MAY 17, 2009 -- NEW YORK 3, MINNESOTA 2 (10 innings)

The New York Horror Story continues, as Ron Gardenhire drops to an unimaginable 3-22 career in the regular season in the Bronx. New ballpark, same old crap for Gardenhire, who has seen the Yankees surprisingly struggle to win the first three games of this series. Traditionally, the Twins are good for at least two ass-kickings in a series at Yankee Stadium; this series has seen the Yankees have three walk-off wins, the latest compliments of a Johnny Damon home run in the tenth inning.

Of course there were plenty of goats for the Twins today aside from Ron Gardenhire (who’s mismanagement of games is so consistent now that it’s simply taken for granted at this point). Denard Span has had a terrible series and had two critical misplays in Sunday’s game. In the seventh, Span’s throw to the plate on a sacrifice fly was so pathetic; had the throw been on target they would easily have had the slow Hideki Matsui at the plate. Then in the eighth, Span failed to get the run home when the bases were loaded and one out. Span singled in the first at-bat of the series, and since then he’s gone hitless at the plate, played Brett Gardner’s bloop hit on Friday into a momentum-shifting inside-the-park home run, and also had the horrid throw to the plate on Sunday.

Michael Cuddyer is continuing to prove that he does not belong in the major leagues, and Sunday was especially pathetic. The only way this guy gets on base is by walking – he consistently swings at terrible pitches two feet out of the strike zone – and when by chance he gets on base he finds a way to run his team out of an inning. In the critical eighth, he was on second base and no one out when he was thrown out trying to advance on a Brian Buscher comebacker to the mound. That baserunning blunder was amplified when the Twins would eventually load the bases in the inning – had Cuddyer not screwed up, the Twins perhaps could have won the game. This bonehead play maybe overshadowed his earlier error, when he grounded into an inning-ending double play with runners on first and third in the fourth inning. Twice in the game the Twins failed to get guys home from third with less than two outs – you’re not going to win a lot of games by doing that, especially when you are 1 for 25 (!!!!!!) with runners in scoring position in the first three games of the series.

That one hit was compliments of Matt Tolbert, who is quickly making a case for getting in The Doghouse. This guy is such a terrible hitter, and he’s hitting second!!!! How many guys has he left on base in two games of this series? Eleven! Yet Ron Gardenhire will likely remember the one hit he did have in the series. You have to consider averages though – Matt Tolbert’s a .176 hitter, which is about one hit every six at-bats, so he was simply due. That one hit means that he’ll go five at-bats without a hit – and don’t think that Tolbert hitting .176 is just a “slow start”; as a hitter, he has Single-A abilities. With all due respect, Tolbert doesn’t deserve a spot in the big leagues, and with him hitting second, it only compounds the problems for the Twins. Consider the 7-8-9-1-2 hitters for the Twins and their batting averages: Brian Buscher (.217), Carlos Gomez (.222), Nick Punto (.194), Denard Span (.284, the only legitimate hitter in the bunch), and Matt Tolbert (.176). How low can these averages go until there’s a shake-up? How low can they go? I said in the seventh inning prior to Tolbert’s hit that Brendan Harris should have pinch-hit for Tolbert and I still say that. In a scoreless game, you need to put someone at the plate that actually has a legitimate chance to get a hit. Gardenhire lucked out there, but in the eighth inning Tolbert made up for it. With a 2-0 count, Gardenhire apparently did not tell Tolbert to take a pitch (apparently Gardenhire did not know that the only way the Twins could get the run in the situation was a walk), and Tolbert pathetically fouled out to the catcher. Talk about taking advantage of a hitter’s count.

Nick Punto also has a permanent spot in The Doghouse (a feature will be coming soon) and he proved it again today with a hitless effort. The guy loves to pop the ball up – considering his lack of talent across the board and especially his lack of power, I suggest a Willie Mays Hays approach with Punto – every pop up means ten push-ups for Punto. There is no reason for Punto to be popping the ball up, and it just looks pathetic with him doing it. It seriously makes me want to throw up. Seriously. I give serious props to Bert Blyleven, who commented after Punto’s walk in the seventh inning that it was comparable to walking the pitcher in the National League – finally, someone on Fox Sports North speaks the truth! That’s what I consider Punto at the plate – a pitcher. Unfortunately, with Matt Tolbert and Carlos Gomez also in the lineup, three hitters in their lineup are essentially pitchers at the plate, which does not bode well for future success for the Twins. And I’m getting sick and tired of FSN previewing a feature that they’re airing on Monday, with Ron Coomer and Nick Punto visiting Yankee Stadium’s monument park. It’s basically Nick Punto talking about Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth. Oops – sorry about that. I just put Nick Punto and Babe Ruth in the same sentence. I think God just fainted.

So the game was tied in the tenth, and Jesse Crain was brought in to lose the game. All I asked of Jesse Crain was to make it quick, and he did oblige, though one batter later than I thought it would take. Derek Jeter inexplicably grounded out against Crain, but then Damon parked one into the next borough, and I was satisfied. At least I didn’t have to suffer through any more of this pathetic imitation of baseball. It did make for a cute course of events – in the series, the Yankees have had walk-off wins in the ninth, tenth, and eleventh innings. Cute.

Also worth noting is the fact that this was the second consecutive game in which Ron Gardenhire pulled a dickhead move by removing his pitcher in the middle of the eighth inning. He did it to Nick Blackburn on Saturday and he did it again Sunday with Kevin Slowey pitching a great ballgame. By removing Slowey in the middle of the inning, it erased any possibility of Slowey being rewarded for his excellent performance with a victory and it gave the job of getting the final out of the inning to the crappy bullpen. Jose Mijares’ first three pitches to Hideki Matsui were out of the strike zone, which certainly was not surprising; shocking it was when he came back to strike him out. Still, it’s a primo dickhead move by a dickhead manager; I would be livid if I was either Blackburn or Slowey and I had to watch the bullpen lose the game for them from the dugout.

Only one more game to lose in the Bronx, and Glen Perkins gets the honors Monday night. Here’s to a Yankee blowout; three-straight walk-off wins for the Yankees are ten times worse to watch.