AUGUST 28, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, TEXAS 2

The three runs that the Twins score off Ranger starter Tommy Hunter is just barely enough to beat Texas, as Brian Douchebag puts forth his first solid start as a major leaguer. To give Douchebag props, he went out there and shut down a potent Rangers offense, limiting them to three hits over seven innings. Of course, shutting down potent offenses over seven innings and 96 pitches is just too much to ask, so Matty Guerrier was on the hill for the eighth inning, and if not for Joe Mauer throwing out potential base stealer Elvis Andrus, Guerrier would have surrendered a run, and David Murphy's blast off Joe Nathan in the ninth came about five feet from clearing the baggie. By the hair on their chinny-chin-chin, the Twins squeek one out at home, but again fail to move on the Tigers, as they handily defeat the Rays at home. The Twins do move into second place due to the White Sox losing to the Yankees, but as long as the Tigers continue to win, they're going to be hard to catch coming down the stretch.

The Twins did some roster maneuvering on Friday, acquiring both Jon Rauch from Arizona and Ron Mahay from Kansas City to "bolster" their bullpen. The Rauch acquisition I actually like, as the Twins will likely retain Rauch for next season at a modest price (around $3 million). The tallest player to ever play in the big leagues, the 6-11 Rauch could also potentially be a boon for the Timberwolves, as their GM has been so anti-Bill Smith this offseason (i.e., making moves) that I couldn't name you two players on that team right now. Mahay, on the other hand, is the classic Twins move. He's had a terrible season with the Royals this season; a 4.79 ERA for a left-handed one out guy ("LOOGY," as they're referred to in some circles) isn't that impressive, and he's given up a whopping 55 hits in 41 innings, including nine home runs. It's funny that Craig Breslow, who the Twins shipped out in May, has benefited from the change of scenery in Oakland and has had a pretty good run with the A's; Mahay's acquisition is such that he basically becomes a lesser Breslow, and in no way does his presence in that bullpen do anything to improve the ballclub. Sure, he may alleviate the pressure and stress on Jose Mijares' arm, but if the guy can't get batters out, it doesn't really matter. Yet, the Twins acquisition that I disliked the most was the one that flew completely under the radar, and that was the Twins sending Yohan Pino, their best starter in Rochester, to the Indians to complete the Carl Pavano deal. Remember that I had said that Pino was more deserving of the call-up than Armando Gabino was, and now the Twins have dispatched Pino for the two months that they'll get from Pavano. You'd like to think that the Twins got Rauch for next to nothing, as a "player to be named later" was sent to the D-Backs; but, knowing Bill Smith, that player to be named later just might as well be Danny Valencia or Anthony Slama.

Joe Crede finally went on the disabled list (for the first time this season, amazingly) and Jose Morales was dutifully called up from Triple-A. Crede's injury likely means more playing time for Nick Punto, and we all know how great that is. And with the rosters expanding in September, the suddenly new-look Twins are about to get a new batch of fresh faces to join them for the "pennant chase." Remember what Ron Gardenhire did last season when he put those minor-leaguers in key spots down the stretch -- he damn well lost the season because he put Jason Pridie (in his major league debut) in for defense in Toronto and Pridie ended up committing a costly error which cost the team the game (and, by extension, the season). So what green rookie is Ron Gardenhire planning on ruining the season with this September?

Photos: (1) AP/Andy King; (2) AP/Ben Margot

AUGUST 21, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 5, KANSAS CITY 4 (10 innings)

The Twins win a sloppy game in Kansas City, using some terrible Royal defense to parlay that into a couple runs. Denard Span hit a Little League homer in the sixth when outfielder Josh Anderson twice "Seldom'd" the ball as he attempted to return it to the infield (obviously a reference to Twins "outfielder"/butcher Seldom Young), and Orlando Cabrera's game winner in the tenth was turned into a gift triple due to Willie Bloomquist (ironically in for Anderson for defensive purposes) struggling to play the carom. Joe Nathan blew a save, giving up a two-out, two-strike home run to pinch hitter Brayan Pena, and then held on for a heart-attack save (OK, not technically a save, but you get it) in the bottom of the tenth. Nathan threw 53 pitches in his two innings, which likely means that Ron Gardenhire will give him anywhere from five to ten days off before he next sees action. What was hilarious was Nathan waving off Gardenhire after his 11-pitch battle with Alberto Callaspo, which resulted in Nathan getting the second out of the tenth, precluding Gardy from removing Nathan. Here's a man, Ron Gardenhire, who is all too prepared to take out his best pitcher and risk it with Jose Mijares or Bobby Keppel or Jesse Crain just because Joe Nathan had thrown a few too many pitches that is considered "normal" or "ideal" for a closer. Yeah, if ever there's a push-over manager in the majors, one that the best players can merely wave off as if they were declining finger food from an annoying caterer, it's Ron Gardenhire. Way to freaking go, Joe Nathan.

I had a dream last night that I'd like to share with the readers here today. Now, please understand that I am certainly not part of that ilk which lionizes Freudian analysis of rapid eye movements and psychosomatic imagery, but the fact remains that this dream was the first such interlude that I had experienced in quite some time, and it does relate to the MTRC. See, I was at the Metrodome watching the Twins play the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, and Nick Blackburn was pitching. Apparently in the dream Blackburn had also been recently pitching like an absolute dog turd too, so it was accurate in that respect. Blackburn, surprisingly, had a no-hitter going after eight innings, but it was one of those no-nos that sneak up on you. The Twins were winning big, like 9-0, and there had been a few errors and walks and hit batsmen -- far from a perfect game, mind you. But I had always wanted to be able to say that I had seen something special at the ballpark -- a no-hitter, a cycle, a three-homer game, for instance (the closest thing to a miracle I've seen at a ball park was probably a two home-run game from the legendary Tom Prince back in 2002). Blackburn gets the first two batters out in the ninth and suddenly the rest of the crowd seems to pick up the fact that he's on the precipice of history. For some reason, the Angels still have David Eckstein, and he's sent up to pinch-hit for whoever was supposed to hit. I'm sitting next to my father, and we both look at each other, thinking that Eckstein's one of those guys who's going to get that cheesy, Cesar Tovar-esque hit to break up the no-hitter. Then, out of nowhere, something really dreamy happens -- Ron Gardenhire takes Blackburn out of the game in favor for Craig Breslow. I know; Breslow's with Oakland now (and it's not like Eckstein plays for the Angels, anyway) and he's a lefty where Eckstein is a right-handed batter. It's probably something that Ron Gardenhire never would do. It turns out that Breslow gets Eckstein to finish the no-hitter, but everyone in the building is so pissed off at Gardenhire that they simply don't care.

Somehow, I make my way down to the Twins clubhouse and I confront Ron Gardenhire. I get the most disgusted look on my face and just ask him point blank, "Why?" He starts giving me this bullshit half-answer, it's classic political-speak, and I'm thinking this guy should bloody run for Congress. He's ready to just walk away when I tell him I'm a blogger and I'm going to put this whole show verbatim at the MTRC, and then he turns around and he brings me into his office. He sits down at his desk and his mouth's open, like he's ready to finally tell me the truth. I'm half expecting a Pete Rose kind of confession, like he's got bookies breathing fire on his back and he's been throwing games for years. And then it comes, like a torrent of springtime rains: the man simply weeps like a baby. He's crying and weeping and muttering something incoherent, something about letting down his family and his father in particular, and then he gets on his knees, right, like some groveling loser, and collapses in a dead sort of unmoving stasis and just lies there, at my feet.

Then I woke up.

Photos: AP/Charlie Riedel

MAY 20, 2009 -- CHICAGO 7, MINNESOTA 4

The losing streak has hit six, and there's no end in sight for Ron Gardenhire's bunch right now. Even a post-game meeting after Tuesday's loss was not enough to shake up the troops, as Wednesday's defeat was pretty much the same as the previous five losses -- get a lead, blow it, try meekly to come back and end up on the short end of the score. Francisco Liriano pitched another poor game -- he's really had only one or two quality starts this whole season -- and a seven-run fifth inning, capped by a Jermaine Dye grand slam, was the difference in the ballgame.

Liriano followed what has appeared to become Twins-on-the-road protocol this season, which is to take a Twins lead and immediately give up that lead and put your team completely behind the eight-ball. Glen Perkins did that in spades on Monday, and was put on the disabled list afterwards as an excuse for his lame effort. Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn did that very well in the two matinees in the Yankee series, and Liriano outdid the rest of the staff on Wednesday. The 2-0 lead that the Twins built (compliments of an Alexei Ramirez error) lasted a whole two batters, when Paul Konerko tied the game with a home run in the bottom half of the fifth. Liriano could have bore down and gotten out of the inning with his team still in the game, but these are the Minnesota Twins we're talking about -- competing in games is gravy to these guys. Winning games is a whole different ballgame. Doesn't it seem like it was a month ago that the Twins swept the Tigers at home?

The inning opened up with two key at-bats by sore thumbs in the White Sox order. Sore thumbs, you'll remember, refers to the weakest spots in an opponent's batting order. For the Yankees, it was Brett Gardner and Francisco Cervilli, whose hits on Friday and Monday were crucial to New York victories. For the Chisox, ex-Twins great catcher Corky Miller doubled and Jayson Nix walked in front of the Dye grand slam. If you expect to beat anybody, you need to get the sore thumbs of the batting order out. Look at it from the other angle -- opponents who play the Twins know that in order to beat them, they've got to get their sore thumbs out (Nick Punto, Carlos Gomez, Matt Tolbert), and it's no surprise that during this six-game slide, those hitters (like any other time of the year) aren't hitting.

We need to revisit the case of Corky Miller to see actually how bad this guy really is. As I mentioned, he was a Twin for a brief time, breaking camp with the team in 2005. He was hitless in twelve at-bats before the Twins jettisoned him, but that cup of coffee was just part of a major-league slump that Miller experienced. Get this: from September 2003 to the end of 2006, Miller had a string where he went 1 for 59 at the plate. Let me repeat that: Miller had one hit in fifty-nine at-bats! That's a .017 batting average! This was with three teams (the Reds, Twins, and Red Sox) and most notably included his 2004 campaign with Cincinnati, when Miller went an astounding 1 for 39. Those are Nick Punto-type numbers right there. Wait a minute -- the Twins signed this guy after he went 1 for 39?!! Amazing how much credit this team gets.


On an "elated" note, the Twins lost left-handed reliever Craig Breslow on waivers to the Oakland A's! Breslow was an absolute train-wreck for the Twins this season, proving to everyone that his stellar 2008 campaign was a fluke. Most of the time Breslow's demeanor on the mound was such that it appeared that Breslow wanted no part of pitching in ballgames, and that was reflected in his 6.28 ERA and 11 walks in 14 innings. To replace Breslow, the Twins called up super-prospect Anthony Swarzak, who'll fill Glen Perkins' spot in the rotation Saturday night against the Brewers. Kudos to the Twins finally calling this guy up, but with Breslow gone from the bullpen, it may mean more innings for slugs like Luis Ayala and Matt Guerrier and Jesse Crain. The guy it affects the most is Jose Mijares, now the lone lefty in the 'pen, who has been erratically inconsistent this season. Losing Breslow was no big blow, but the fact remains that the Twins should be desparate for bullpen help and will likely grin and bear it for the remainder of the season.