OCTOBER 6, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 6, DETROIT 5 (12 innings)

I've got to tell you guys -- with a little salt and pepper, crow actually doesn't taste that bad. I'm more than happy to eat a little crow, however, after the Twins completed their miraculous comeback to win the Central Division title (or, as Ron Gardenhire calls it, the Holy Grail). In many ways Tuesday's tiebreaker was a whole lot like the majority of Twins games -- plenty of missed opportunities by guys that are deservedly in The Doghouse, some lucky breaks that go the Twins way, and in the end a Doghouse Denizen gets the game-winning hit. I kind of saw Alexi Casilla's game-winner coming, as he had failed to score the winning run a few innings before due to his stupidity; granted, that was on a Nick Punto sacrifice fly, and at least God has a sense of humor, or at least good sense, because Nick Punto just cannot win the biggest game of the season for the Twins. All in all, it was a whale of a game, and now they get to go to the Bronx and throw Brian Duensing to the wolves. I've heard it all been said -- "anything can happen in October" -- but a Twins win over the Yankees here would be nothing short of apocalyptic. Whatever. Go get 'em, Douchebag.

I had the pleasure (I guess) of watching most of the second half of the game at a local watering hole, and it was there that I found some startling facts out about certain Twins fans. One, that some Twins fans actually like Matt Tolbert, which I thought was damn near impossible. I thought the only reaction any person could have regarding Matt Tolbert was that he was absolute garbage on the baseball diamond. Another was that a lot of people were surprised when Matty Guerrier delivered his most timely Matt Guerrier Special of the season. I predicted Guerrier would blow the lead once Orlando Cabrera put the Twins ahead in the seventh with his home run (everybody was just going nuts over Cabrera, saying that he'd been the biggest piece of the puzzle and the key for the Twins' turnaround!) and got some knowing glances once Magglio Ordonez promptly tied it off Guerrier in the eighth. These "fans" also weren't livid when Ron Gardenhire, in his infinite wisdom, burned his bullpen by the eighth inning and had to get two innings out of Joe Nathan, then had to turn to Jesse Crain and Bobby Keppel to preserve the tie. Crain gave up the lead, and the Twins were bailed out only because Ryan Raburn lost Michael Cuddyer's liner in the lights and misplayed it for a triple. Keppel gave up the lead, too, but umpiring saved the Twins big time in the 12th. With the bases jammed, Keppel clearly grazed Brandon Inge's jersey with a pitch, but home plate umpire Randy Marsh didn't see it that way, and that turned out to be the biggest call of the game, as Inge would force out a runner at home and Gerald Laird struck out to end the inning. As always, the Twins rely on a little bit of luck, both with their ballpark and the men in blue.

I probably could go on further about the game, but let's just leave it at that. It was a terrific, exciting thriller that will go down in Metrodome lore. It's almost too bad that they have to get their butts kicked by the Yankees; if only that could be the swan song on the Teflon Treasure. As mentioned before, Duensing pitches today for the Twins at 5:07 local time, and he opposes Twins killer C.C. Sabathia. Sabathia's 13-8 with a ERA just about 3 in his career against the Twins, and he seems to pitch exceptionally better when there's something on the line. Like everybody says, anything can happen in October, and the Twins are hot. But as Tuesday's contest showed, the Twins' biggest problem remains the bottom of the order. How many times in the game did Matt Tolbert and Nick Punto come up with the game on the line? How many times did Ron Gardenhire let those two slugs hit? That will come back to haunt them against New York, mark my words.

Photos: (1)AP & Star Tribune/Brian Peterson; (2)AP/Tom Olmscheid; (3)AP/Paul Battaglia

SEPTEMBER 14, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 6, CLEVELAND 3

Again the Twins sleepwalk through seven shutout innings against mediocre-at-best Jeremy Sowers, and it appeared as if the Twins were on their way, thanks to a late comeback win by the Tigers, to falling further behind Detroit. But then a funny thing happened on the way to third place: the Twins came back, picking themselves off the mat. A clutch three-run home run off the bat of Michael Cuddyer (no, really!) tied the game off reliever Chris Perez, and then the Twins used rinky-dinky cheeseball to take the lead. Matt Tolbert, playing in a "pennant race" for some reason, doinked a bloop double behind third base after Seldom Young had singled, and Young would score on a wild pitch/passed ball. Jason Kubel would launch a home run later in the at-bat, and the Twins' six-spot they put on the board in the eighth was enough to carry them past the pitiful Indians. It was nice to see the Twins win a game when their opponents' reliever put up a Matt Guerrier Special, but the biggest news of the night would come to the surface during the post-game interviews.


Justin Morneau's done for the season, as is Joe Crede's (most likely), as both players' backs have officially crapped out. Morneau, frankly, has been nothing short of terrible lately, but it goes without saying that this injury is potentially fatal for the Twins' chances of holding on to second place. Add Crede's injury, and that means a few things: one, it means more playing time for guys like Carlos Gomez and/or Seldom Young, and it means more playing time for Nick Punto and/or Matt Tolbert. Any way you cut it, the two injuries makes the Twins that much worse offensively. Especially when you have a manager who's willing to play guys like Matt Tolbert in "key games down the stretch," these injuries will force Ron Gardenhire to be creative, which is kind of like asking a kindergartener to go without cake at his birthday party. Lots of tears will ensue and it'll probably mean that you'll have to clean the drapes afterwards.


If the Twins want any shot at first place, they'll have to sweep the Tigers this weekend at the Dome, and if they really want that to happen, they're going to have to win these games against an inferior opponent in order to gain momentum. Scott Baker has been pitching lights-out as of late, and he faces Fausto Carmona, owner of some pretty ugly numbers who mowed down the Twins the last time he faced them.

Photos: (1) AP/Jim Mone; (2) AP/Ben Margot

SEPTEMBER 2, 2009 -- CHICAGO 4, MINNESOTA 2

Probably the worst lost of the season. One of those games where you look back on your season after it's over and you put a big red circle around this game. The White Sox were reeling. They had lost five straight and had just traded two of their veterans, apparently waving a white flag on their season. Joe Nathan had two outs, nobody on base, and an 0-2 count on Gordon Beckham, with the Twins leading 2-0. Beckham worked the count full, plastered a fastball into the left field seats, and Paul Konerko would do just about the same exact thing in the very next at-bat to tie the game. Two walks later would prompt The Brain to inexplicably take Nathan out of the game in favor of Matt Guerrier. Such a dick-head move by Ron Gardenhire, yet so predictable. What's better, Guerrier sucks so much that he grooves an 0-2 curveball down the heart of the plate to Alexei Ramirez, who pasted it to left to drive home the game winning run. A wild pitch during the next at-bat would complete the Matt Guerrier Special, which is extra special in this case because Guerrier's stats are completely clean according to the boxscore. That's what makes Gardenhire's move that much more of a prick move -- you let Matt Guerrier allow runs that go on Joe Nathan's ERA while Guerrier gets off scot-free. And Joe Nathan's your best pitcher -- I don't care if he walked three batters in a row, you don't replace your best reliever for Matt Guerrier with guys on base. Joe Nathan has earned the right to get out of his own mess. But, since Ron Gardenhire (rightly) let Joe Nathan pitch 53 pitches in Kansas City like three weeks ago, he's been extra cautious with his closer, and that in turn has led to this game slipping through his fingers.


Mike Redmond has to be commended for putting his two cents into losing the game for the Twins. On Ramirez's game-winner, Denard Span's throw to home beat pinch-runner DeWayne Wise by ten feet, but the old, craggly Redmond couldn't field the one-hopper, or much less block the plate, and allowed Wise to score. Then on Guerrier's wild pitch, Redmond put forth a quasi-effort, the sort of effort that screams "well I'm damn near forty and these knees are barkin' dogs right about now, but I still get the respect of the manager and the fans, so they won't really mind because Guerrier sucks anyways." Mike Redmond looks old on the field and more importantly he plays old. The talent that he has in terms of athleticism left him a few years ago, and the only value he has anymore is that of a mentor. Sadly, you don't pay mentors millions of dollars a year, or at least you shouldn't (try telling that to a team that pays Nick Punto $4 million dollars more than what he's worth). Jose Morales' pinch hit single in the bottom of the ninth raised his average to a mere .362, but hey -- don't think for a second that he's better than Mike Redmond. No sirree Bob.


A deflating loss like this not only drops them a critical game in the standings, but it takes the momentum that they had built over the past two weeks and throws that out the window. Now they embark on a seven-game road trip against Cleveland and Toronto, two second-division ballclubs, but that surely doesn't mean it's going to be easy for the Twins. Case in point Friday's starter for Cleveland, southpaw Jeremy Sowers, who throughout his career has posted some ugly numbers (5.07 career ERA) but has somehow been able to be very stingy against the Twins (3.35 ERA in five starts, including a complete-game shutout). And don't get me started on the struggles the Twins have had against the Blue Jays -- they've amazingly lost twelve of their last thirteen games against Toronto, and haven't won north of the border since April 2006. Most importantly, the 2009 Twins team has continued to be an enigma, and their two-week stretch of near-brilliance may just as easily be backed up by two weeks of gut-wrenching futility.

Photos: AP/Ann Heisenfelt

SEPTEMBER 1, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 4, CHICAGO 3

Jeff Manship does a yeoman's job as a spot starter, tossing five innings of one-run ball to keep his team in the game, and Jose Morales, he of the "I shoulda been playing in the majors all year long but the team likes its no-talent character guy bring-your-lunch-in-a-lunchpail Mike Redmond more," delivers the game-winning hit in the bottom of the ninth inning to give his team the victory. Tom Kelly was quoted as saying that Jose Morales is "the most professional hitter" the Twins have in Triple-A, which is saying something whe you see how many non-professional hitters the Twins have on their major league roster (Redmond, Nick Punto, Alexi Casilla). Morales' hit bailed out Matty Guerrier, who delivered another Matt Guerrier Special in the top of the eighth inning when he gave up the game-tying home run to the first batter he faced, Gordon Beckham. Jon Rauch got his second victory in two appearances since becoming a Twin, quickly making a name for himself as the vulture of the bullpen.

Morales' hit also bailed out Carlos Gomez, whose ninth-inning at-bat with the game on the line is such an epitome of the terrible hitter that Gomez is that it will certainly not go unnoticed. After Jason Kubel singled off Sox reliever Matt Thornton to start the inning, Brendan Harris singled pinch-runner Nick Punto over to third base with one out. That's the situation: first and third, one out. A sacrifice fly would win the game. In all likelihood a ground ball up the middle might end the game, because Gomez's speed is such that a double-play would be tough to turn. In short, Gomez has plenty of ways in which he can make an out and the game would be over. But, as I've mentioned in my Doghouse post on Gomez, he is probably the last player on the team that I'd want at the plate in this kind of situation. Everyone in the building knows that Gomez is going to strike out; it's not even a question at this point. You might as well name a church after Gomez if he actually produces the run because that's damn near a miracle in my book. Sure as shit, Gomez strikes out, and everyone gets to forget about that folly because Morales came through in the next at-bat, pinch-hitting for Alexi Casilla. My question is this, Ron Gardenhire: why not pinch-hit Morales for Gomez?

The Twins go for the sweep this afternoon with Brian Douchebag on the mound facing Mark Buehrle. The Tigers beat the hapless Indians on Tuesday, so the Twins remain three and a half games behind Detroit for first place. Every game from here on out is crucial, and especially when you're facing a team that's down and out like the White Sox, you need to win these games.

AP: (1) AP/Ann Heisenfelt; (2) Getty Images/Jonathan Daniel

AUGUST 9, 2009 -- DETROIT 8, MINNESOTA 7

The Twins make a valiant comeback after they let the Tigers take control of the game in which they had an early 3-0 lead, but it's all for naught once Matt Guerrier serves it up in the eighth, providing Twins fans of a glimpse of the 2008 Matty Guerrier that we know and love. The classic Matt Guerrier Special came back to haunt the Twins in the eighth, where Guerrier not only gave up the lead to the Tigers, but like all classic MGSes, he gave up the critical insurance run as well that ended up to be the deciding run in the game. In all the Twins pitching staff gave up fifteen hits, which is simply incredible -- it was the fifth time in nine games that the staff had surrendered that many hits in a game. Not surprisingly, the Twins have lost all five of those games. Tom Kelly used to say that the three most important facets of the game of baseball were pitching, pitching, and pitching, and never is that more true than with the 2009 Twins. They're hitting the cover off the ball right now, smacking three long home runs in Sunday's game and collecting fourteen hits of their own. If only they could get some consistent pitching, they'd be running away with the division and be in a position to actually compete with the elite of the American League. But alas, Sunday's loss drops them 5 1/2 games behind the front-running Tigers, and more importantly the Twins remain three games below the .500 mark.


Mike Redmond surprisingly got three hits for the Twins today. Perhaps Jarrod Washburn wasn't as "tough" an assignment for a backup player, which is a reference to Redmond's curious statements following Thursday's loss to Cleveland, where Redmond basically hinted that he shouldn't have been in the lineup facing Fausto Carmona. It's so bad that even the talent-free Redmond knows he's got nothing left in the tank, but he doinked three hits on Sunday and helped produce some runs. But his actual value for the Twins has continuously diminished, and that was emphasized on Sunday, when Ron Gardenhire was forced to remove Redmond from the game in the eighth inning for a pinch runner. Of course, when Gardenhire does that, that means that Joe Mauer must move from the DH spot to the catcher's position, which means that the pitcher must now assume the vacant DH spot in the batting order. By needing to pinch-hit for the .176-hitting Alexi Casilla in the same inning, Gardenhire effectively exhausted his bench in that one inning, and it nearly made for an embarrassing situation in the ninth inning. The pitcher's spot was sixth in the batting order for the Twins in the ninth, and that meant that if they were to mount a rally against Fernando Rodney, the Twins would have had no recourse but to send a pitcher to the plate with the game on the line (and no, I'm not using that as a euphemism for Nick Punto -- an actual pitcher (which, by the way, probably would be a better opportunity to score than if Punto had been at the plate)). It goes to show how having guys like Redmond and Casilla (who you're going to replace late in close ballgames anyway because they suck in more than one way) on the team absolutely cripples your roster. Again, there's a guy down in Triple-A who has a major-league batting average this season residing in Joe Mauer-land who's young, energetic, and isn't any more of a defensive liability than the elder statesman Redmond is. Why the Twins refuse to make the obvious talent upgrade is beyond me and I'm sure it continues to confuse Twins fans elsewhere. I would have loved to see Joe Nathan taking hacks at Fernando Rodney with the tying run on base with two out in the ninth inning -- actually I would have more enjoyed the look that Ron Gardenhire would have had on his face at that point. But, the patheticness of Seldom Young made that an impossibility when he took a brutal quasi-swing at Rodney's first pitch and tapped weakly to third base to end the ballgame.


The Twins have an offday Monday and then travel home to open a six-game homestand against the AL Central's two bottom feeders, the Kansas City Royals and the Cleveland Indians. Once again the Twins will luck out and not have to face Zach Greinke in that Royals series, but the real story will be that the Twins will have to have good starting pitching down the stretch if they want a sniff at the divisional title. It doesn't matter who you're playing -- the Yankees or the Royals -- if you can't pitch, like the Twins haven't lately, you simply won't win ballgames. The Twins aren't even sure who's going to make the Thursday afternoon game at this point, and Francisco Liriano is tentatively penciled in to make Tuesday's start. My bet is that Brian Douchebag makes one of those starts, and something tells me that Ron Gardenhire will go ahead and let Liriano make another start. It sure as hell doesn't inspire a whole lot of confidence when you are unclear who's going to be pitching the majority of the innings in an upcoming series. Especially when you consider yourself a playoff "contender."

JUNE 20, 2009 -- HOUSTON 6, MINNESOTA 5

One day after rinky-dinky cheese-ball scores them five runs (well, three legitimate runs, not counting the Seldom Young line drive that was misplayed into two runs), the Twins power their way to five runs, all via the long ball, and they lose the game 6-5 due to their bullpen. The game was a throwback in many ways to the Twins of 2008, when Ron Gardenhire regularly lost the game with his pathetic bullpen. This time around he takes out Scott Baker with the lead in the seventh inning and entrusts Sean Henn with a lead for the umpteenth time, and for the umpteenth time, Henn comes in and loses the game. We all know that Gardenhire is obsessed with his bullpen pitchers having set-in-stone “roles”; but the rapid ascension of Henn from career minor-league journeyman to seventh-inning left-handed stopper on a “competing” team is baffling even to Gardenhire’s most outspoken critic. Henn did nothing prior to assuming this new important role to suggest that he could hold leads and be anything close to reliable. But Ron Gardenhire has embraced the idea that Henn is a guy who can come into close games late and lose them pathetically. After all, Henn’s lost three games in two weeks since becoming that guy, and with Matt Guerrier having an uncharacteristically “good” year, all indications are that Henn is quickly becoming the new yukster in the ‘pen, a Guerrier version.2009, if you will.

When Gardenhire took Baker out, it was expected that Sean Henn would definitely not hold the lead. The only thing up in the air was whether Henn would produce the true Matt Guerrier Special (MGS), in which the reliever not only gives up the lead but puts his team behind by at least two runs. Henn came through in spades, as he gave up the tying hit to .200-hitting Jason Michaels and then a two-run home run to the power-deficient Michael Bourn, who absolutely mashed the ball into the right field football seats. In every sense of the word, Henn’s MGS was efficient, as he faced three batters, gave up two hits, two runs (in addition to the inherited runner who scored), and took the loss. His ERA is quickly climbing to that level known as, well, Sean Henn career numbers – by that I mean the 7.50 range. He came into the season as a career minor leaguer whose major league numbers would offend somebody’s mother-in-law, and after a few deceivingly “good” appearances for Ron Gardenhire in mop-up duty, Henn had “proven” himself for the Twins and thereby was called upon to lose games on a regular basis. To add insult to injury, Ron Gardenhire put in Luis Ayala when he yanked Henn three batters too late, and Ayala came through again with his role, which is to extend opponent’s leads. Lance Berkman fouled one off Ayala that went half-a-mile, then he dutifully ripped one that was definitely fair over the fence. Berkman’s home run ended up being the winning run – how many times does Luis Ayala give up the winning run but fail to get any negative attention lavished on him? He’s certainly immune to the microphones of Fox Sports NoTruth, who were busy lionizing Nick Punto for getting his average over .220.

Speaking of St. Punto, his patheticness had to leave the game after a head-first slide apparently bruised his ribs in the middle-innings. Hooray! As my earlier feature “In The Doghouse” stated, I am all for Punto’s head-first slides, as one of these days he’ll seriously injure himself and thereby not be available for Ron Gardenhire to put him in the everyday lineup. I always thought it would be a separated shoulder, but bruised ribs? I’ll take it. It was getting almost unbearable to hear Dick Bremer and Ron Coomer to take turns lauding the exploits of Punto. They were heaping praise on Punto during his first at-bat, and he ended up grounding out weakly to the second baseman, and Coomer was extolling how “even in his outs, he hits the ball hard.” WHAT??!?! The rest of the lineup didn’t produce much of anything outside of the four home runs hit by the top of the order. Three of the four bombs were of the solo variety (Brendan Harris, Joe Mauer, Seldom Young) and one was a two-run shot (Jason Kubel). Following a familiar script, the top of the order came through while the bottom of the order failed to contribute anything, and the Twins paid for it. All they were able to manage off of retread Brian Moehler (3-4, 6.66 ERA, .322 opponent’s average) was four hits and three runs in six innings, and Moehler ended up with the win. That’s absolutely unacceptable, especially for a team that would like to consider themselves “contenders.” You don’t lose to pitchers like Brian Moehler if you fancy yourselves a good team.

Glen Perkins goes Sunday against Wandy Rodriguez, who’s a pretty good lefty for the Astros. For a team who sucks so bad on the road, it is imperative for the Twins to win the rubber game of the series. A 4-2 homestand against the fifth-place Pirates and last-place Astros is nothing to write home about, but it’s better than 3-3, and they need all the wins that they can afford at home if they plan on sucking it up on the road. How about some production from Justin Morneau, eh? He plain hasn’t done squat in the last few weeks, and frankly he’s looked ugly on some swings. As I’ve said before, the team will go only as far as Mauer and Morneau take them; Mauer’s been pulling his load, but Morneau has not. Not surprisingly, the Twins are only hovering at the .500 mark.

MAY 27, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 4, BOSTON 2

Another victory for the Twins against the BoSox on Wednesday, as they beat the erratic Daisuke Matsuzaka, who threw four wild pitches in five sloppy innings. Kevin Slowey pitched good enough to get his seventh win on the season against only one defeat. His 99-pitch performance was deemed good enough for Ron Gardenhire, who lucked out with his bullpen on Wednesday. Jose Mijares pitched a clean seventh inning and started the eighth. Mijares got the first batter, and with two right-handed hitters up (and lefty David Ortiz following that), The Brain chose to keep Mijares in the game. Mijares would walk Kevin Youkilis, which prompted Gardenhire to bring in Matt Guerrier to face Jason Bay, one of the best hitters in the league. Talk about a mismatch, but Gardenhire lucked out again, as Bay grounded into a double play.

My question is, why stick with Mijares if you're going to take him out if he puts a man on base anyways? The only scenario in which Mijares would have finished the inning is if he got both right-handed batters out, or if he got Youkilis, Bay reached base, and Mijares faced Ortiz. If you're going to overmanage the game, overmanage it. Bring Guerrier in to face Youkilis and see what that gives you. It's these kind of moves that just make one scratch their heads. Suppose Guerrier gave up a hit to Bay -- now what do you do? Do you bring in lefty Sean Henn to face Ortiz? Are you prepared to use seven pitchers in an inning, Gardenhire? Moving a guy like Francisco Liriano to the bullpen would alleviate these concerns, as he could be that one or two-inning reliever that could bridge the gap from the starter to Joe Nathan, or at the very least be a consistent eighth-inning option. As long as Ron Gardenhire is committed to taking out his starters after six innings and 99 pitches, he's going to have nights like this, where his bullpen does its job. But probably more often he's going to have bullpen implosions, but apparently Ron Gardenhire is willing to let that happen thousands of times before he changes his gameplan.

Late in the ballgame, when Joe Nathan was warming up in the bullpen, the TV cameras caught a glimpse of Luis Ayala filling a role that I think is just fantastic -- ball boy. He was the guy that was "guarding" Nathan by defending possible foul balls from hitting the pitcher warming up. Talk about a really good role for Ayala -- too bad he would have to be the most expensive (and oldest, probably) ball boy in the history of the game. But it's a change that I certainly welcome. The way this guy throws the baseball makes one vomit.

Speaking of vomit, Nick Punto made up for his RBI single on Tuesday by sucking it up big time on Wednesday. He committed an error on a routine groundball in the first inning -- his fifth error of the season. As I've said before, the only way this guy has any value to a team is if he plays shortstop like Luis Aparicio. Instead, Punto's on pace for a 15-20 error season at shortstop, which is pretty pedestrian for a shortstop. The error almost led to a run for the Red Sox, as Dustin Pedroia was at third with one out. Slowey bailed out his shortstop by pitching out of that jam, but later in the game Punto made up for it at the plate. With Carlos Gomez on third (pinch-running, mind you -- it's not like he made it to third by himself) and one out, Punto was at the plate in a 4-2 ballgame. For whatever the reason, Ron Gardenhire didn't safety squeeze Gomez home -- he let Punto swing away. Of course, the guy meekly grounded out to second base, and Gomez was cut off trying to score on the play. In reality the guy that got hurt the most by Punto's patheticness was Red Sox catcher George Kattaras, who was bowled over by Gomez at the plate in a bone-rattling collision. Part of the blame has to go on Gardenhire here -- dude, do you know how bad Punto sucks at the plate? Do you watch to same game that I do? One thing that Punto can do fairly well is bunt the ball (it is, after all, the easiest thing to do in all of sports). Think of it this way -- if you're in the National League, what would you do in that situation if the pitcher was batting? Do you think you'd let him swing away?

The Twins go for the series win on Thursday afternoon, and Anthony Swarzak battles Red Sox ace Josh Beckett. Swarzak's major league debut went along swimmingly, and he'll no doubt have a tougher challenge on Thursday. Here's more good luck to the youngster; if he continues to pitch well, the Twins will be forced to make a rotation alteration. My stance remains the same -- move Liriano to the bullpen. It's not that I don't like Liriano -- I do, but I think that the move would be better for Liriano, the bullpen, and the team. Considering that, Ron Gardenhire probably won't do it.

MAY 13, 2009 -- VIKINGS 14, LIONS 10

Fran Tarkenton throws a last-minute touchdown pass to Ahmad Rashad for the game-winning touchdown…or, Joe Crede hits an improbable walk-off grand slam in the 13th inning, giving the Twins a 14-10 victory over the Tigers. Quite obviously this game was not without its share of mistakes, which I’ll focus on later. But for those who think I am just a joyless pessimist, I have to say that I really enjoyed this game. Truly it was a Metrodome Classic, a game that just won’t be the same in Target Field. But enough accolades. There’s plenty to get to, so let’s just get started.

Pitching was not a strong suit tonight for the Twins. Yet again, the bullpen fails to hold multiple leads. Without the improbable comeback from the Twins, this blog would have lamented The Brain’s continued mismanagement of the bullpen. Luis Ayala was kept in the game two batters two late, setting the stage for the situations which have made Matt Guerrier (im)famous. Guerrier comes through with his first true Matt Guerrier Special of the year, giving up a go-ahead three-run home run on the first pitch he threw to Miguel Cabrera, and two batters later he gave up a center-field blast to some dude named Jeff Larish. This is an ideal MGS: Guerrier inherits a lead, gives up that lead and allows an insurance run to boot. This gives conformation to my hunch that Guerrier’s string of decent performances was all just a tease. This is the Matty Guerrier that we all know and love.

These failings were all forgotten when Jason Kubel came through with a booming pinch-hit home run to tie the game in the bottom of the eighth. Tigers flame-thrower Joel Zumaya pumped a 98-mile-an-hour fastball that left the building just as quick. If I was a Tiger fan, I’d be a lot more content with Zumaya blowing leads throwing absolute smoke. It sure looks and sounds better than seeing these pathetic 87-mile-an-hour cookies from Matt Guerrier getting drilled every time out. At least they are losing with their best talent on the mound, rather than the Twins losing consistently with their fourth-best reliever.

Hilarious sidenote to the bullpen continuing to suck is Dick Bremer’s comments. Bremer, a certifiable idiot, remarked that both Luis Ayala and R.A. Dickey were having real trouble with the first batters that they’ve faced in appearances this season. Wait a minute, Dick, they’ve had trouble getting any batter out this season, and only especially do they struggle with first hitters. Get it right, Dick. See, morons like Bremer, for many Twins fans, provide the only source of opinions on the Twins, and he loves to sugarcoat things. This re-emphasizes the importance of this blog, which seeks to re-educate those wayward fans who are too used to the type of undeserved praise constantly heaped on the team by fools like Dick Bremer, who are essentially cheerleaders paid for by the Twins.

Now, when the offense was non-existent in the 9th, 10th, and 11th innings, it appeared that the loss was warming up in the bullpen – the loss in this case being Jesse Crain, who’s looked absolutely dreadful this season. It underlines a major hole for the Twins – they are so incapable of winning games which are relegated to battles of the bullpen. Detroit’s bullpen is leagues better than the Twins’ bullpen, especially when The Brain chooses to use his best reliever (Joe Nathan) for one measly inning. Contrast that to the Tigers, who used Zumaya for fifty pitches and Brandon Lyon (the eventual loser) for sixty pitches. Fifty pitches are about a month’s worth for Joe Nathan, but look at the results – Zumaya was still touching 98 on the last pitches of his appearance. This proves the fact that these pitchers are certainly capable of stretching it out, and the theory damn near won the ballgame for the Tigers. Think of Brandon Lyon’s sixty-pitch performance this way – had he started the game for the Twins, Ron Gardenhire and Rick Anderson would have been thinking of taking him out soon, as he was approaching the 100 pitch count!

Had Crede not bailed out the team with his home run, the goat of the game no doubt would have been Jesse Crain. When he entered the ballgame, you knew the Twins were going to lose – all that was undetermined was the way the Tigers would do it. So surprising was the 12th inning, when Crain induced a double-play ball and pitched a scoreless inning! Considering Jesse Crain’s lack of talent, we knew that trend wouldn’t continue, and when Curtis Granderson hit a triple in the top of the 13th, we knew we were well on our way. We just needed to know how it would end. When Crain’s on the mound, we’ve learned to expect the worst possible way to lose, so it wasn’t surprising when he got Placido Polanco to pop up to left. Now, with two outs and Granderson on third, how was it going to happen? An error – no, that would mean it wasn’t Crain’s fault. A base hit – that would require talent from the hitter, which certainly isn’t a prerequisite when facing Crain. A home run – I like the way you’re thinking, but we need something more pathetic than that. A wild pitch – now this would be pathetic. It happened on Sunday with Crain on the mound, and it looked like a perfect spot for another. Crain had two strikes on the hitter, setting up a perfect opportunity for a back-breaking wild pitch.

Then Crain did something incredible – he outdid himself. He found a way to allow the run on a more pathetic way than I had even imagined – he balked in the run. Of course Bremer spun it that Granderson so shrewdly deked out Crain, forcing him to alter his delivery and not come set. No, Dick, no. What really happened on the play is that Jesse Crain is a f***ing idiot, and there’s no bullpen sessions or minor-league assignments that can change that.


One more thing. The Re-Education Center gives some serious props to Tiger skipper Jim Leyland on his ejection in the seventh inning. Leyland’s old-school bitching and barking at umpire Paul Schreiber (who called an awful game behind the plate, btw) was classic, and it’s that sort of negativity and pessimism that is so prized here at the MTRC.

MAY 3, 2009 -- KANSAS CITY 7, MINNESOTA 5

Scott Baker takes a no-hitter into the seventh inning, promptly loses the no-no, the shutout, and the game within five batters. The Brain brings Luis Ayala yet again and again he delivers the Matt Guerrier Special. Ayala is doing his best towards renaming the Matt Guerrier Special after himself, as he continues to show Twins fans that he consistently gives up hits. Today it’s Alberto Callaspo (who?) that drives home the winning double in the seventh.

Then it’s the R.A. Dickey show, and for the second game in a row, Dickey turns a close game into an insurmountable lead for the Royals. In the eighth, Dickey gives up the critical insurance run to make it 6-4 (a seventh run was cut down at home plate). For some reason Dickey starts the ninth and gives up another run, making it a three-run game with Soria coming into the game in the bottom of the ninth. The Twins scratch together a run, but, thanks to R.A. Dickey, the gap was too large to make up. You know it’s bad for a Twins fan when you’re begging to see Matt Guerrier come into the game.

Let’s not forget that the Twins did get four runs off of nemesis Gil Meche. “Seldom” Delmon Young came through with an RBI hit, and Justin Morneau had three hits. Joe Mauer delivered a meaningless pinch-hit RBI single in the ninth, putting his season average at an astounding .700. The Twins do have a pretty decent lineup, notwithstanding constant rally killers Carlos Gomez, Nick Punto, and Alexi Casilla. Brendan Harris rightfully started at second base on Sunday, and Seldom Delmon started in left field and produced a few hits. Though Young is very much deserving of my not-so-affectionate nickname, he is leagues better than Carlos Gomez, who belongs in Double-A. A lineup with Harris and Young rounds out the lineup pretty well; it’s a real good National League batting order when you consider Nick Punto batting ninth is comparable to the pitcher hitting. In reality, pitchers Yovani Gallardo of the Brewers or the C.C. Sabathia of the Yankees are better offensive threats than Nick Punto.

Scott Baker pitched pretty well through six innings; his no-hit effort was deceiving, as some balls were getting hit pretty hard, and he had only one ground-ball out through six innings. Combined with Francisco Liriano, the Twins’ 1-2 starters are now a combined 0-8 through the first twenty-five games of the season. This statistic actually can give Twins fans some hope – seeing as the Twins are only a game under .500 and Baker and Liriano are eight games under .500, it is reasonable to expect that trend not to continue. Once these two pitchers get back on track, expect the Twins’ record to improve.

The Twins get ready to go on the road for four games: two in Detroit, two in Baltimore. The quirky schedule means that the only time the Twins visit the Orioles are for two games at one of the best ballparks in the country.

MAY 2, 2009 -- KANSAS CITY 10, MINNESOTA 7 (11 innings)

WELCOME TO THE MINNESOTA TWINS RE-EDUCATION CENTER

I am your host, Eisenhower McSteele.

Such a pathetic effort from the Twins (again) is reason enough to start venting on a big-league level. This blog’s mission statement is simple: to educate people as to the pitiful nature of the Minnesota Twins and in particular their manager Ron Gardenhire. Each game, wins and losses, will be recapped in detail here to reveal to the pedestrian fans the underlying reasons for why the Minnesota Twins are the most dreadful team in sports – dreadful in terms of the stress and heartache that they cause their fans.

As a prologue, the ordinary fan must be educated about the 2008 Minnesota Twins. They were a terrible team, as undeserving of 88 victories as any team can be, but at the same time they should have easily won the division if not for the horrendous managing of Ron Gardenhire. The 2008 Twins were perhaps the most gut-wrenching, stress-inducing, gray-hair producing team to follow in the sports world. The team performed in spite of Ron Gardenhire’s best efforts to lose games, and in 2009, the same is true. For the Twins to be hovering on or near the five-hundred mark is truly a sign that a God exists. The same crap that happened last year has recurred again this year, almost more so. In particular, Ron Gardenhire’s continuous mismanaging of a pitching staff consistently costs his team wins, and in last year’s case, all it took was one mismanaged game to cost his team a division.

And in Gardenhire’s world, an A.L. Central Division title is code for “mission accomplished.” The Minnesota Twins are perhaps the most ill-equipped World Series contender, but because Ron Gardenhire and the front office’s standard for accomplishment is merely division titles, they believe they have done their job. Never mind the fact that Ron Gardenhire’s career playoff record is absolutely pitiful (6-15) and that he will never, ever win the “big one”; the regime in charge is pleased as punch as long as the Twins are competitive (read: profitable). When the sole goal of the franchise is not to win a World Series (think the Yankees, Red Sox, or pretty much any team) but to turn a profit, it does not behoove the front office to build a serious contender that can actually win a World Series, as it cuts into profit. Hey, the team is bringing in fans in droves right now, and the majority of the fan base is happy with the team. I represent the minority of fans that frankly cannot accept the way the franchise is being run, both on the field and off. As long as Ron Gardenhire is at the helm, the team will continue to be in a state of arrested development. This blog seeks to illustrate this frustrated stagnancy.

TO THE GAME:

Talk about a game where your opponent was almost literally giving the game to you. The Kansas City Royals are a decent team but quite frankly, Saturday was not their best night. But on all facets of the game – hitting, fielding, baserunning, pitching, and of course managerially – the Twins refused to show their fans that they are a legitimate team. At this point, it is clear that Trey Hillman’s Royals are the superior team, and it is indicative of a good ballclub when they can pounce on their opponents’ mistakes – on the road, no less. Let’s take a look at each facet of the game where the Twins failed:

HITTING
When you get seven runs it seems as if the offense did its job, and it certainly provided the run support needed to win a baseball game. But, when the fielding, pitching, and managing fail you, mistakes at the plate are thus amplified. Nick Punto, questionably the worst hitter in the American League (whose lone competition seems to be Alexi Casilla or Carlos Gomez), had a chance to win the game in the bottom of the tenth inning. With the winning run on third base and one out, all Punto needed to do was hit a fly ball in the outfield to win the game. He could have made an out and won the game. But, facing Royals relief ace Joakim Soria, Punto tapped out pathetically to short, failing to get the job done and win the game.

So stupid was I to think that Punto would get a hit to win the game. Banking on the fact that long shot Mine That Bird won the Kentucky Derby earlier Saturday from the eighth position, I saw the Twins’ #8 as the potential hitting hero. Then I saw Punto wave haplessly at two Soria strikes and thought better of that scenario. When Soria uncorked a wild pitch to move the winning run to third base, it was as much a long shot as Mine That Bird winning the Derby that Punto would get a hit. The lesson learned here: Nick Punto sucks.

FIELDING
When is Ron Gardenhire going to sit Alexi Casilla, or, even better, send him down to Triple-A? The guy can’t hit the broad side of a barn, he’s not a good baserunner considering his sheer speed, and now we know he boots routine grounders in clutch situations. In the eighth, Ron “The Brain” Gardenhire leaves Luis Ayala in the game to complete his Matt Guerrier Special (see below) and he is lifted for Jose Mijares after the go-ahead run gets on base. Mijares gets the job done, striking out the first batter and then getting Miguel Olivo to tap out weakly to the right side. Casilla, pathetically, bobbled the easy play, and the go-ahead run scored. What a good, in-your-face manager would have done is to sit Casilla’s ass on the bench right then and there. Brendan Harris doesn’t have the range that Casilla has, but he’s the much better bat and he can make the routine play. It’s an easy decision – guys hitting .160 do not belong in the big leagues. Most likely, however, Casilla will be back in the lineup on Monday night.

PITCHING
The bullpen is in shambles. This is the big difference between the Royals and the Twins. The starting staff for the Royals is a helluva lot better, too, but it’s the bullpen that’s ultimately going to cost them games. Ron Gardenhire and Rick Anderson share a good load of the criticism that must be leveled at the pitching staff because it’s these guys who continue to have faith in them. Luis Ayala has not proven he can get anybody out, yet Ron Gardenhire has apparently chosen him to be his seventh-inning stopper, this year’s version of Matt Guerrier. The 2008 Twins were so memorable because of the many Matt Guerrier Specials that cost the team critical victories down the stretch last year. A Matt Guerrier Special (MGS) is a relief appearance in which a reliever inherits a lead, squanders the lead, and gives up the go-ahead run. A classic MGS involves the eponymous reliever also giving up an insurance run to boot. In 2009, Matt Guerrier has been rightfully relegated to long-relief, and apparently Ron Gardenhire has given the responsibility of squandering leads to Luis Ayala. The difference between this year and last is that there was a time in the 2008 season that Matt Guerrier actually got batters out, which in the second-half of the season led The Brain to believe that Guerrier could get the job done. Interestingly, Luis Ayala has never gotten batters out consistently in 2009 and yet Gardenhire, perhaps arbitrarily, has continued to believe (stupidly) that Ayala can hold leads.

Whereas the classic MGS involves the reliever giving up the lead and the go-ahead run in the same inning, in this game Luis Ayala did it over two innings. Stupidly, Ron Gardenhire brought Ayala back out to start the eighth inning after he let the Royals tie the game the inning earlier, and this led to the Alexi Casilla debacle. Later in the game, The Brain’s classic bullpen management eventually led to their demise. Mijares and Joe Nathan, the only pitchers who have proven they can get batters out, only go 1 2/3 innings; Matt Guerrier struggled through the tenth, and then Craig Breslow and R.A. Dickey (Gardenhire’s favorite human on earth) combined to provide the second MGS of the game, giving up three runs in the eleventh to lose the game.

Not to be forgotten is Glen Perkins’ forgettable performance, which featured pathetic highlights like two-out, two-run triples to light hitting catchers such as Miguel Olivo.

BASERUNNING
Three times the Twins made the third out on the bases, twice at third base. The cardinal rule in baseball is: NEVER make the first or third out at third base, and they managed to do this twice in a game. Alexi Casilla added to his splendid game by being thrown out at third to end the first inning (Casilla’s game: 0-3 at the plate, thrown out at third to end an inning, and a crucial error that cost the team a victory – awesome, dude). More unacceptable is Nick Punto’s baserunning blunder in the sixth inning, getting thrown out trying to advance to third on Casilla’s popout to left field. Though the play was close, Punto is an idiot for failing to realize who is on-deck: Joe Mauer, who was only hitting about .800. Why do you not get thrown out at third to end an inning? Because with two outs, you’re off on the crack of the bat, and you’re going to score on a hit to the outfield from second base anyways. There’s only a few plays that you would score from third base that you wouldn’t score from second, and Punto needs to know that Mauer is on-deck. A classic Punto temper-tantrum added icing to the cake on this bonehead play.

MANAGERIALLY
Ron Gardenhire has authority over all of the facets of the game. Alexi Casilla has deserved to lose his starting job weeks ago; his game-winning hit in the second game of the season seems to be the only reason he continues to keep his job. It’s too bad that that is the only hit of any consequence that Casilla’s had all year long, and the two runs he drove in on that hit are the only runs he’s driven in all year long. Not that Casilla’s supposed to be an RBI machine, but two RBIs in one month – that’s just pathetic. The Brain’s choice to keep Casilla in the everyday lineup only crimps his team’s chances to win, as now his defense is showing holes.

Nick Punto is a terrible player in his own right, but Ron Gardenhire must shoulder some of the blame, as he continues to play him everyday. Nick Punto is the lamest excuse for an everyday player in the American League; for Ron Gardenhire to have confidence in him proves his insanity.

Most of all, Ron Gardenhire’s approach towards managing his pitchers is the biggest travesty to Twins fans. What is his rationale for continuing to go to Luis Ayala to give up leads? Why are you so willing to let R.A. Dickey give up run after run after run? Gardenhire’s willingness to use Dickey to “save” the arms of the rest of the bullpen is self-defeating; once you bring R.A. Dickey into a game, you have clinched a loss – just like when you bring in Matt Guerrier or Luis Ayala in to “hold” a lead (i.e. blow a lead), whenever R.A. Dickey is brought into a game, you have conceded defeat. Because he babied the rest of the bullpen, he had no other choice but to go to Dickey after Craig Breslow walked the bases loaded (why Breslow was not taken out of the game after the second walk I don’t know).

On contrast, the Kansas City bullpen is a big strength to their team. One guy that Twins fans should get used to seeing mow them down in Juan Cruz. Although he did not look impressive on Saturday, this guy has a power arm that the Twins desperately need in eighth-inning situations. The Twins could have had Cruz in the offseason, too. They showed interest in Cruz, who was a Type A free agent from Arizona that waited until March to sign with Kansas City. Because of his Type A status, the Twins would have had to surrender their first-round draft pick this year in order to sign Cruz; because Kansas City’s draft position is in the first sixteen picks, they only had to surrender a sandwich-pick rather than their first-round selection. The Twins tried to swing a sign-and-trade with Arizona but the deal fell through. So typical of the Twins – who’d rather not lose a prospect who may or may not pan out than sign the relief pitcher they desperately need right now. Cruz’s signing with the Royals may ultimately cost the Twins a division title, and the other guys in that KC bullpen – Ron Mahay, Kyle Farnsworth, Jamey Wright, Horacio Ramirez, and of course Soria – make the Royals’ pen much more formidable than the Twins, who other than Joe Nathan, are very thin in between.

With a stronger starting five (even with Sidney Ponson) and a much stronger bullpen, the Royals appear to have a better chance than the Twins do of winning the Central this season. For Trey Hillman, this would be an incredible achievement, whereas for the Twins, another division title coupled with another early playoff exit would continue to put salt in the wounds of Twins fans everywhere.