MAY 13, 2009 -- VIKINGS 14, LIONS 10

Fran Tarkenton throws a last-minute touchdown pass to Ahmad Rashad for the game-winning touchdown…or, Joe Crede hits an improbable walk-off grand slam in the 13th inning, giving the Twins a 14-10 victory over the Tigers. Quite obviously this game was not without its share of mistakes, which I’ll focus on later. But for those who think I am just a joyless pessimist, I have to say that I really enjoyed this game. Truly it was a Metrodome Classic, a game that just won’t be the same in Target Field. But enough accolades. There’s plenty to get to, so let’s just get started.

Pitching was not a strong suit tonight for the Twins. Yet again, the bullpen fails to hold multiple leads. Without the improbable comeback from the Twins, this blog would have lamented The Brain’s continued mismanagement of the bullpen. Luis Ayala was kept in the game two batters two late, setting the stage for the situations which have made Matt Guerrier (im)famous. Guerrier comes through with his first true Matt Guerrier Special of the year, giving up a go-ahead three-run home run on the first pitch he threw to Miguel Cabrera, and two batters later he gave up a center-field blast to some dude named Jeff Larish. This is an ideal MGS: Guerrier inherits a lead, gives up that lead and allows an insurance run to boot. This gives conformation to my hunch that Guerrier’s string of decent performances was all just a tease. This is the Matty Guerrier that we all know and love.

These failings were all forgotten when Jason Kubel came through with a booming pinch-hit home run to tie the game in the bottom of the eighth. Tigers flame-thrower Joel Zumaya pumped a 98-mile-an-hour fastball that left the building just as quick. If I was a Tiger fan, I’d be a lot more content with Zumaya blowing leads throwing absolute smoke. It sure looks and sounds better than seeing these pathetic 87-mile-an-hour cookies from Matt Guerrier getting drilled every time out. At least they are losing with their best talent on the mound, rather than the Twins losing consistently with their fourth-best reliever.

Hilarious sidenote to the bullpen continuing to suck is Dick Bremer’s comments. Bremer, a certifiable idiot, remarked that both Luis Ayala and R.A. Dickey were having real trouble with the first batters that they’ve faced in appearances this season. Wait a minute, Dick, they’ve had trouble getting any batter out this season, and only especially do they struggle with first hitters. Get it right, Dick. See, morons like Bremer, for many Twins fans, provide the only source of opinions on the Twins, and he loves to sugarcoat things. This re-emphasizes the importance of this blog, which seeks to re-educate those wayward fans who are too used to the type of undeserved praise constantly heaped on the team by fools like Dick Bremer, who are essentially cheerleaders paid for by the Twins.

Now, when the offense was non-existent in the 9th, 10th, and 11th innings, it appeared that the loss was warming up in the bullpen – the loss in this case being Jesse Crain, who’s looked absolutely dreadful this season. It underlines a major hole for the Twins – they are so incapable of winning games which are relegated to battles of the bullpen. Detroit’s bullpen is leagues better than the Twins’ bullpen, especially when The Brain chooses to use his best reliever (Joe Nathan) for one measly inning. Contrast that to the Tigers, who used Zumaya for fifty pitches and Brandon Lyon (the eventual loser) for sixty pitches. Fifty pitches are about a month’s worth for Joe Nathan, but look at the results – Zumaya was still touching 98 on the last pitches of his appearance. This proves the fact that these pitchers are certainly capable of stretching it out, and the theory damn near won the ballgame for the Tigers. Think of Brandon Lyon’s sixty-pitch performance this way – had he started the game for the Twins, Ron Gardenhire and Rick Anderson would have been thinking of taking him out soon, as he was approaching the 100 pitch count!

Had Crede not bailed out the team with his home run, the goat of the game no doubt would have been Jesse Crain. When he entered the ballgame, you knew the Twins were going to lose – all that was undetermined was the way the Tigers would do it. So surprising was the 12th inning, when Crain induced a double-play ball and pitched a scoreless inning! Considering Jesse Crain’s lack of talent, we knew that trend wouldn’t continue, and when Curtis Granderson hit a triple in the top of the 13th, we knew we were well on our way. We just needed to know how it would end. When Crain’s on the mound, we’ve learned to expect the worst possible way to lose, so it wasn’t surprising when he got Placido Polanco to pop up to left. Now, with two outs and Granderson on third, how was it going to happen? An error – no, that would mean it wasn’t Crain’s fault. A base hit – that would require talent from the hitter, which certainly isn’t a prerequisite when facing Crain. A home run – I like the way you’re thinking, but we need something more pathetic than that. A wild pitch – now this would be pathetic. It happened on Sunday with Crain on the mound, and it looked like a perfect spot for another. Crain had two strikes on the hitter, setting up a perfect opportunity for a back-breaking wild pitch.

Then Crain did something incredible – he outdid himself. He found a way to allow the run on a more pathetic way than I had even imagined – he balked in the run. Of course Bremer spun it that Granderson so shrewdly deked out Crain, forcing him to alter his delivery and not come set. No, Dick, no. What really happened on the play is that Jesse Crain is a f***ing idiot, and there’s no bullpen sessions or minor-league assignments that can change that.


One more thing. The Re-Education Center gives some serious props to Tiger skipper Jim Leyland on his ejection in the seventh inning. Leyland’s old-school bitching and barking at umpire Paul Schreiber (who called an awful game behind the plate, btw) was classic, and it’s that sort of negativity and pessimism that is so prized here at the MTRC.