APRIL 14, 2010 -- BOSTON 6, MINNESOTA 3

The first weather-affected game goes against the Twins, as the Red Sox get the clutch hits and take the middle game of the three-game series. The Twins offense was dreadfully pathetic, as they couldn't come up with the big hit all game long. The key at-bat in the game came in the seventh inning, when the Twins loaded the bases with two outs. Boston was up a run at 3-2 and brought in Hideki Okajima to face Justin Morneau. Morneau, predictably, popped up -- just about as pitiful of an at-bat as you could come up with. Jesse Crain then returned to his old self in the top of the eighth by surrendering three insurance runs to effectively put the nail in the coffin. Those three runs were driven in by none other than Jeremy Hermida, no doubt the weak link in the Boston lineup. What Crain's history will tell you is that when he struggles, all that he can figure out to throw is a straight fastball, and that's when bad hitters like Hermida can feast on Crain. Many people were expecting big things from Crain this year, but I'm pretty skeptical. The only big thing I see from Crain in 2010 is his ERA (hey-o!). Worth mentioning as well is Michael Cuddyer's fly-out to end the game. He represented the tying run and of course failed to deliver. His home run in the eighth was classic Cuddyer -- a meaningless homer that pads the stats and looks good on his baseball card. If he would ever hit a homer that would actually mean something...

Kevin Slowey pitched poorly, barely getting through five innings and obviously struggling to pitch through the weather. As mentioned before, Crain's terrible outing put a stain on the bullpen's overall impressive start to the season, and they'll be getting some help in the form of Ron Mahay, who was called up from extended spring training. Alex Burnett drank his cup of coffee and he's back to Rochester and will likely sink into Twins oblivion. The Mahay call-up has everything to do with Jose Mijares, who's looked as good as a pregnant woman on roller skates so far this year. As Hank eluded to yesterday, to see Ron Gardenhire put Brian Douchebag late in the game for multiple innings is a plan waiting to backfire. Mahay's endurance is questionable, however -- he's always been a lefty to face a batter or two; certainly not full innings. In a sense, the Twins got an emergency pinch-hitter, too. Some may be surprised to hear that Mahay first broke into the big leagues as an outfielder for the Red Sox. His numbers translate to a Nick Punto-esque kind of career at the plate, so it's a great thing that he turned out to be left-handed, because he's made quite a career for himself out of pitching exclusively to left-handed batters.

Just as a quick sidenote, we are officially nine games into the season (that's 153 to go!) and Dick Bremer is already in pennant chase mode. In the middle of Wednesday's game, he was giving all-too-frequent-for-the-middle-of-April updates on the Kansas City-Detroit game, saying that it'd be a "good thing" if the Royals were able to beat the Tigers. Dude, it's APRIL. Last season is over -- there is no need to keep us apprised of the Tigers. For all we know, the Royals might be the team to catch this season -- it wouldn't be good for the Twins if KC won then, would it? Just do me a favor Dick: give it fifty games at least before you start blowing shit out of proportion. 50 games. That's all I ask.

Photos: AP/Andy King

SEPTEMBER 30, 2009 -- DETROIT 7, MINNESOTA 2

The Twins are now on the brink of elimination, thanks to a pitiful hitting performance off spot starter Eddie Bonine and terrible pitching by Carl Pavano. After scoring two runs off Bonine in the first on four hits, Jose Morales grounded into a double play, knocking the wind out of the Twins' sails and serving the Tigers really well. Bonine was on the ropes in the first, and had Morales delivered a hit it likely would have ended the night for the Tiger pitcher. Instead, he keeps the damage to a minimum and then watches his offense come back on Pavano and the Twins. The second inning was a classic Detroit hit parade, as Pavano gave up two singles and a walk before back breaking hits by Brandon Inge and Ramon Santiago gave the Tigers a 4-2 lead. The real nail in the coffin came in the fifth, when Magglio Ordonez cleared the gap with a double that extended the lead to 7-2 and effectively put the Twins away. For all the "good" that Pavano has given the Twins -- just listen to Bremer and Blyleven laud Pavano as if he were the second coming of Johan Santana -- he's been supremely average with the Twins, going 4-4 with a 4.50 ERA. Granted, when you have yuksters like Francisco Liriano and Glen Perkins in the rotation before Pavano came over to the Twins, you'll sure as heck take those middling numbers. But when it counted, Pavano failed miserably, and if that was his last start as a Twin, "au revoir."

The Twins' backs are officially against the wall, as they sit three games back with four to play. Thursday's game is an absolute must-win, and in all reality they need to win out while the Tigers need to win no more than one more game. In other words, the Twins have a 4% chance of winning the division, according to the ESPN number crunchers. But at the very least, their win on Tuesday clinches a winning season for the Twins, which was something that looked bleak a few weeks ago. After the season I plan on doing a season summary of the Twins and I'll express more there, but what I think is the real tragedy here is that the last two weeks are going to make the previous five and a half months seem insignificant. People are going to remember the 11-2 run and, because of that, consider the season a success, yet another example of the Twins "always being there at the end." It's that sort of thinking that needs to be re-educated, as I think the Twin Cities are the only market in the country that accepts this sort of second-place mediocrity. More to follow next week.

Photos: AP/Paul Sancya

AUGUST 22, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 8, KANSAS CITY 7

Two wins in a row against the pitiful Royals, and with the Tigers losing at Oakland, the Twins are "back in the thick of things," as certifiable idiot Dick Bremer would say. They're still three games below .500, mind you, and the Royals haven't been playing like a major league team in the last three months. Saturday's game was an example of a game that if the Twins needed to pitch one more inning, the Royals were likely going to finally overtake them. Brian Douchebag pitched the game of his life, which at this point in his career is just five innings and two earned runs. Because of the short start, the Twins had to rely on their bullpen, and what's worse was that Joe Nathan's 53-pitch outing on Friday apparently made him unavailable on Saturday, making Matt Guerrier the de facto closer [Gulp]. Ron Coomer, filling in for Bert Blyleven on color this weekend, was quoted as saying that this series is something like make or break, the most important series of the year and they desperately can't lose games like this. If that's the case (and it is, unless you want to fall further back in the division), you need to have Joe Nathan on the mound in the bottom of the ninth inning. Frankly I don't care if Nathan had to throw 120 pitches on Friday, if these games mean that much, you've got to have your best players in the spots that they are asked to deliver in. What's the worst that could happen, Gardenhire? You're banking on one good inning from Joe Nathan -- 15-20 pitches at most. Who in their right mind wouldn't be able to throw that many pitches, no matter how many they threw the night previous. Considering Nathan's classic "brush-off" of the push-over Gardenhire the night before, I thought that perhaps Nathan could easily talk his way back into the game. But alas, Matty Guerrier got the save, nearly giving up the tie in the eighth and giving back the insurance run the Twins cheaply got in the top of the ninth to win by the narrowest of margins.

After Douchebag left after the fifth, the Twins had to seriously patch it up until Stopper Guerrier came in in the eighth. Bobby Keppel and Jesse Crain helped get the Royals back in the game in the sixth and seventh innings, each surrendering two runs in their less-than-one-inning performance. Both of these slugs have proven that they simply cannot get major league batters out, but I have a sneak feeling that the front office will bring both of these guys back for 2010. Hell, considering the pay hike that Billy Smith gave Nick Punto last offseason, Keppel's 5.55 ERA may be due for a raise. That the Twins were even able to win this game was a testament to how truly bad the Royals are. The three runs that the Twins got in the top of the sixth were mainly due to Joe Mauer reaching first on a wild pitch on strike three, and Michael Cuddyer's pop-up in a clutch situation in the ninth (Cuddyer popping up in the clutch? No, really???!!!) needed to be caught, and that turned out to be the difference in the game. But the seventh inning was a classic, as the Royals loaded the bases with nobody out against Jesse Crain. Jose Mijares inherited that mess and promptly gave up a single to cut the lead to 7-5. After a key Cuddyeresque pop-up by Mitch Maier for the first out, the madness ensued. Yuniesky Betancourt hit a can of corn to center field, and Carlos Gomez dropped the ball, and instead of getting the easy force play right in front of him at second, threw to third to get the out there instead. To cap it off, Josh Anderson lined a ball to left, and Seldom Young, instead of retreating back on the ball, did a standing leap and barely caught the ball. It was literally one of the funniest things I'd ever seen; I laughed for a solid minute after seeing that patheticness.

The Twins go for the sweep on Sunday, with Carl Pavano making the start for the Twins. Anthony Swarzak, by the way, was finally outrighted back to Triple-A, and some guy named Armando Gabino was called up. Not sure whether this Gabino is going to get a shot at the starting staff, but whatever his role is, there are two things that are important with this transaction: 1) Swarzak's back in the minors, where he belongs, and 2) even the thought of a guy like Gabino making critical starts down the stretch for a "contending" team should tell everyone that the team has zero chance of getting to the playoffs. But hey, anybody's a step up from Swarzak, who in his last four or five starts was serving more meatballs than Olive Garden.

Photos: AP/Charlie Riedel

AUGUST 17, 2009 -- TEXAS 8, MINNESOTA 5

Yet another bad start for Francisco Liriano, and after the game Ron Gardenhire announced that the young southpaw would be placed on the disabled list for a "tired arm," or technically speaking, "suck-itis," which is a disease that has plagued the pitching staff all season long. It doesn't seem like there's any real reason for Liriano to be put on the DL; if anything it may be better for his morale than if the team rightfully sent him back down to Triple-A. My guess is that the Twins are just going to shut Liriano down for the rest of the season and figure out a gameplan for how to use Liriano in 2010 -- either in the starting staff or in the bullpen. In any case, Phil Humber returns from Triple-A, in yet another example of the Twins calling up less deserving guys from Triple-A. Slama and Delaney continue to toil in the minors, and even Juan Morillo, who looked awful in a cup of coffee early in the season, has apparently righted the ship in Rochester and throws absolute gas. But Humber it is; apparently they tried to call up Kevin Mulvey but his phone went straight to voicemail and it's pointless to leave a message at that point because you know they aren't going to get the message for at least a day.


Liriano's line was a gaudy one on Monday: two innings pitched, seven hits, seven runs, two walks, a hit batter, and one strikeout. And this was after he was given a brief lead by Joe Mauer's 23rd homer of the year in the first inning. Mauer, by the way, was the only hitter it seemed that wasn't catatonic, as he collected almost half the Twins' hits (3 of their seven) and pushed his average to .380. For the third straight game, Ron Gardenhire was forced to exhaust his bullpen early, and this time Bobby Keppel came in and did a pretty good job in relief, throwing 3 1/3 shutout innings to provide a little bit of relief and allowing the Twins to get back in the game. Then Gardy had to use Jose Mijares and Matty Guerrier earlier than usual, in the fifth, sixth, and seventh innings; aside from the expected Matt Guerrier insurance run that he surrendered, those innings went fine. Then Ron Gardenhire did a very strange thing: he put in Brian Douchebag, who he had announced would (graciously) start for Anthony Swarzak on Thursday, on the mound for the eighth inning. What??? After the game, of course, Ron Gardenhire told the press that Swarzak would make the start after all because he felt forced (apparently) to use Douchebag in the eighth inning when guys like Jeff Manship, a converted starter who's thrown exactly 2 1/3 innings since being called up last week, were more than available to pitch. This was the second straight game where Ron Gardenhire made some curious moves with his pitching staff (sending in Jesse Crain in the third inning on Sunday, when the team is glutted with long relievers) and it's further proof that this man is purely bat-shit insane.


One piece of good news that did occur for the Twins on Monday was their signing of first-round pick Kyle Gibson. In classic Twins fashion, the deal went right down to the deadline, as the two sides agreed to terms about ten minutes before the midnight deadline. Gibson's a college pitcher, and this is an organization that's suddenly pitching thin, so Gibson's signing, though his impact at the major league level is a few years away at the least, is good news for the club. Hell, the Twins need to fill Liriano's spot in the rotation on Saturday -- I wonder what Gibson's up to that day? It can't be any worse than the prospect of seeing Douchebag or Phil Humber out there. And it keeps getting funnier (but sad at the same time) to hear Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven still believe that the Twins can make a run. Take a look at their starting rotation -- how on earth can teams even ponder the idea of postseason baseball when Thursday's starter comes into the eighth inning on Monday and Saturday's starter is potentially flying in from Triple-A? The acquisitions of Orlando Cabrera and Carl Pavano (Tuesday's starter) continue to be dwarfed by their divisional rivals -- the White Sox will try to plug their fifth-starter spot in the rotation by Freddy Garcia, and more importantly the Tigers addressed their biggest weakness (the lineup) by getting Aubrey Huff from Baltimore for virtually nothing (a Single-A reliever). Huff's 73 ribbies will fit in nicely in that order and make Detroit that much better come playoff time. But, hey, keep us informed on that "three-team" divisional race in the Central, Dick.

Photos: (1,2) AP/Tony Gutierrez; (3) University of Missouri Media Relations

AUGUST 14, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 11, CLEVELAND 0

Well, the Twins won on Friday, so that must mean two things: one, that they won by six or more runs, and two, that they'll likely lose on Saturday. The Twins haven't won back-to-back games in the month of August, and again there's nothing that can signal to Twins fans that Friday's 11-0 romp is a harbinger of future success. On Friday, they were clicking on all cylinders: Scott Baker pitched an outstanding two-hit shutout (which likely means that his next start will be as frustratingly horrendous as this one was terrific), and the hitting was both timely and came from all parts of the lineup. Hell, even Alexi Casilla had two hits, including a bunt single that Dick Bremer blew all out of proportions, basically saying that it was the hit of the year and it likely will spark the Twins to overtake Detroit and win the division -- in fact, they probably won't lose another game the rest of the way because of Lexi's awesome single that raised his batting average to a still paltry .179. Jason Kubel continued his dominance over Cleveland, driving in five runs and hitting his sixth home run this season against the Tribe. When you win 11-0, most fans will condone such failure as two inning-ending double plays with runners on third and one out (compliments of Justin Morneau, and, not surprisingly, Michael "I Live to Fail in the Clutch" Cuddyer, whose lone contribution to the scoring came when the game was out of reach). People who follow this blog know that I'm not that forgiving. That kind of crap won't be tolerated here at the MTRC, and if they want to go anywhere, their "star players" need to get the job done in those situations. This is a team that hasn't won a close ballgame in over two weeks; if you're going to make a run at the division, at-bats like those are going to be the difference in games and perhaps the season. If I'm Ron Gardenhire, I -- wait, wait, wait. I'm not Ron Gardenhire and I don't even like the thought of being that weasel. Forget it.

Thanks to Dick Bremer's delusions, the broadcasters kept us well apprised of the goings-on in Detroit, where the Tigers won a classic pitcher's duel with a walk-off home run in the ninth inning, so the Twins' victory only prevented them from falling further behind the Tigers. The fact that anyone seriously believes that a team that came into Friday's action four games below .500 could actually win a division or even play consistent baseball is proof enough that Bremer belongs in a straitjacket. But I've heard this garbage for more than twenty years with this fool, and it ain't gettin' any better. I'd love to be able to mute the TV and flip on the radio for the play-by-play, but John Gordon and the Wrench, Danny Gladden, continue to yuk it up on the radio waves. One thing I will give the radio guys credit for (and especially Gladden) is that it doesn't appear that they're being paid to wax poetic on the heroic exploits of losers like Casilla and Punto. Gladden will tell you exactly what he thinks, which is a good thing when he's rightfully doing color, but it is a formula for disaster when he's calling the action. My vote is for Jack Morris to do Twins games more often -- anybody with me?

Any time that I have to criticize the broadcasters more than the players must mean that the Twins did well, and that they did. But as I said after Wednesday night's blowout win over the Royals, this team has done nothing to prove to their fans that they can ride these wins and start a winning streak. Most importantly is the fact that Anthony Swarzak gets the ball on Saturday afternoon, and he has lapsed into the scared rookie that most people figured he would be when he was first called up. David Huff, whom the Twins have roughed up twice this season, gets the ball for the Indians.

AUGUST 1, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 11, MINNESOTA 6

The Angels score eleven runs off the Twins pitching staff for the second straight game, spoiling Orlando Cabrera's debut with the Twins. Anthony Swarzak pitched like sour milk, and then the bullpen pitched in with a five-run, three home run sixth inning that was a tandem effort by R.A. Dickey and Bobby Keppel, who after giving up two moon shots to the first two batters he faced, is quickly falling out of favor with everyone watching the Twins except Ron Gardenhire and Rick Anderson. But, as Dick Bremer would say, it's refreshing to hear someone like Keppel be upfront and "take responsibility" for Friday's pathetic eleventh inning. Refreshing, sure; but what would really be refreshing is if Bobby Keppel could get batters out, or even better, it'd be damn refreshing if the Twins cut their ties with this guy. It would be refreshing to be a fan of an organization that knows talent and tries its best to put the best players on the roster, and to use the best out of those players to place in their everyday lineup. That would be refreshing, yes, but the reality is is that I'm likely going to stay thirsty here for quite a while.


One example of this poor talent assessment is the transaction that the Twins made before the game on Saturday, when Brian Buscher was inexplicably sent down over Alexi Casilla's .171 average to Rochester to make room for Cabrera on the roster. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not here to laud praises on a guy hitting .225, but when the choices are .225 with a little pop who can deliver a pinch hit once in a while and a guy who's hit progressively worse in three seperate stints with the club, can't play consistent defense, is a mentally putrid player and sucks the team dry of offensive production in the bottom of the order, I'll take Busch any day of the week. What had Casilla done to deserve staying on the roster? He was recalled just before the All-Star break when his average was .180; somehow the guy found a way to lower that another ten points. The guy has simply failed at every aspect of the game, and his value as a fifth infielder at this point has to be lower than Buscher's value as a pinch-hitting option. Again, not to say that Buscher absolutely deserved to stay with the club, either, but everyone in the entire league has outperformed Alexi Casilla in 2009, and there's no excuse for leaving him on the roster.


But there is, according to Ron Gardenhire (who said this, according to Dick Bremer). The main reason for Casilla to stay on the ballclub, according to these two clowns, was that the veteran presence of Orlando Cabrera could perhaps help the young Casilla get a better understanding of the game of baseball. Casilla can learn from Cabrera, and it would be more valuable for the Twins long-term if Casilla were directly mentored by Cabrera for the two months that he's going to be in a Twins uniform. This notion is at once pathetic and self-defeating in all its intentions. This is a kind of thing that non-competitive teams do. If you're the Kansas City Royals or the Washington Nationals or the Pittsburgh Pirates, you can afford to do things like this and you probably could benefit from such a move. But according to everyone paid to like the Twins, this is a "competitive" ballclub that has set its sights on winning the division. How can a "competitive" baseball team afford to keep minor-league talent on their roster when they're trying to win a division? A move like this, and the philosophy behind it, should signal to Twins Nation that this team has no intentions of trying to win a Championship (I would consider an A.L. Central Division title a supremely lower-case "championship"), and as a lifelong fan I can't help but be offended at such a philosophy.


Speaking of offensive philosophies, I think my respect of Ron Gardenhire sank even lower after I heard Dick Bremer report to everyone listening that some of the content of last Saturday's "closed-door" meeting following their 11-5 thumping at the hands of the Angels in Anaheim regarded foolish outfield defensive plays "such as missing the cutoff man." According to Bremer, Gardenhire had told his outfielders that if they missed the cutoff man, that they would get benched on the spot. That's something that I agree with 100%; especially when you're dealing with Mensa antitheses like Carlos Gomez, you need a "tough-love" approach to management. But on Friday, when Gomez missed the cutoff man in the first inning (which led to an extra run for the Angels, which by extension was a major reason the Twins lost the game), Gardenhire sat on his hands and did nothing of what he had threatened his players with just a week before. That is not only a terrible way to manage a baseball team, but that's a horrible way to run a company, to raise a family, to be in an interpersonal relationship -- you can add to the list ad infinitum. Do you have any idea what happens when you set clear-cut boundaries and specific penalties and then welsh on those parameters which you yourself set up? The behavior that you had attempted to extinguish in the first place will *undoubtedly* happen again. If you're a parent, it's like telling your sixteen year old not to have a party when you're gone for the weekend, and if he/she did that they would be grounded; and then you return home to find your kid's hosting a party at that minute, and then join in on the festivities. What does that signal to your sixteen-year-old? That he/she can do that again and not take anything you say in terms of "threats" seriously. As a manager of a major-league baseball team, you lose all credibility with your players and those who follow the team closely. In fact, if I were Brian Buscher, I would have had a hard time believing Ron Gardenhire when Gardy told him he was sent down Saturday, for the mere reason that Gardenhire did not follow through on his "promise" that he initiated just a week prior. This much is guaranteed, Gardenhire -- Carlos Gomez will miss the cutoff man again, and probably sooner rather than later. What are you gonna do about it? Remember that all the respect your players had has been transfered to the status of simply a buddy-buddy manager whose words can be taken very lightly. Yeah, we all knew you weren't Knute Rockne, but at the very least, don't be a f***ing Pinocchio, Gardenhire.

JULY 31, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 11, MINNESOTA 5 (11 innings)

The Twins lead 5-2 going into the seventh inning and watch Nick Blackburn and the bullpen give up the last nine runs of the game, and the Angels beat the Twins at the Metrodome in a game in which the Twins needed to win. This is the type of game that competitive ballclubs do not lose, and it was fitting that on the day that the Twins continued their year-and-a-half long trend of failing to improve their bullpen via outside help, the bullpen lost the game for the Twins. Matt Guerrier came through with his first Matt Guerrier Special in months, promptly giving up the game-tying home run to the first batter he faced in the eighth inning, Mike Napoli. After Guerrier and Nathan mowed down Los Angeles through the tenth inning (and the Twins offense shut down against an Angel bullpen comprised of the likes of Justin Speier and Jason Bulger and Kevin Jepsen), Ron Gardenhire decided to lose the game in the eleventh when he started the inning with Bobby Keppel, who failed to retire a batter and took the loss. Gardenhire made sure that the Twins were pathetically embarrassed when he turned to Jesse "Gas on the Fire" Crain, who failed to retire any of the four batters he faced, and by the time R.A. Dickey completed the six-run eleventh, the Twins were supremely out of the game. Not surprising that the Twins' bullpen lost this one for the Twins, as it will doubtless be the area of the team that, again, will likely preclude the team's postseason chances.


Fans may have been clamoring for Orlando Cabrera when Brendan Harris made a fool of himself in the eleventh inning, on a play that my anger was merely supplanted by my bursting out in laughter at the sheer patheticness of Harris. With runners at first and third, Howie Kendrick, who of course is in my good graces due to his first name, grounded a ball to Harris' left. Harris hesistated and wanted to come home with the ball, but then tripped over his own feet and did a head-first digger into the turf. It was one of those plays bound to make the blooper reel, and it would be really funny if the game hadn't been on the line at that point. I don't mind that Harris wanted to throw home, seeing as that's the go-ahead run and all, but both Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven were criticizing Harris for not turning the double-play. In reality, with Jesse Crain coming into the game and not getting anybody out, it's unlikely that the Angels wouldn't have extended their lead, but Harris' gaffe no doubt opened the floodgates on a big inning. For those counting at home, that's the fourth time in the last eleven games that the Twins' pitching staff has allowed an inning of six runs or more; but hey, they didn't need another arm badly or anything.


The loss dropped the Twins back to third place, one game over .500 at 52-51. Again, to consider that the White Sox and Tigers made significant moves to improve their club's chances not to win the Central Division but to compete for the World Series, it's going to be increasingly difficult for the Twins to overcome both the Sox and Tigers. Take a second to ponder the White Sox acquisition of Jake Peavy and its inherent risk. Peavy likely won't be able to pitch for almost a month, and so in effect Chicago mortgaged a good part of their future (four pretty good pitching prospects) for, at most, five or six starts in the regular season. As Kenny Williams said, it's a move that was made in order to win a championship, and I had a sneak feeling that he meant a real championship (i.e., a World Series) rather than what the Twins have set as their goal (i.e., winning the weakest division in baseball). With Orlando Cabrera mainly being a Brendan Harris in masquerade, I have to strongly disagree with Bremer and Blyleven that the move is even a "good" move at this point. He's certainly not a player that's going to put the team over the top, and definitely he's not going to make them be able to beat the Yankees any more. And most importantly, I hope to God that Bremer is wrong when he reports that Cabrera's going to be placed in the #2 hole, but I'm pretty sure that'll happen. Ron Gardenhire likes to change things that are going right, and Joe Mauer in the #2 hole is a natural fit. As ESPN's Eric Karabell reports, Cabrera's .318 on-base percentage "should not alter" the current batting order with Mauer hitting second, and that Cabrera should be hitting low in the Twins' lineup; unfortunately Karabell doesn't know who he's dealing with with Ron Gardenhire, who's a logician's nightmare. Mauer, after all, is only hitting .398 from the #2 hole, and they've won more games with Mauer hitting there than anybody else. Why change something that's worked?

JULY 29, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, CHICAGO 2

The Twins sweep the Sox, getting a decent enough spot start from Brian Douchebag, who pitched admirably in Francisco Liriano's turn in the rotation. Alexi Casilla had two hits and two RBIs on the day that the Pirates dealt Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez (not surprisingly, neither of them went to the Twins, who desperately need middle infield help). Instead of looking for outside help, the Twins will use Wednesday's performance from Casilla to prove to their fans that he is capable of putting good wood on the ball, which is wrong on so many levels. First off, both of Casilla's hits were of the fly-ball variety, and this is a guy who should never be putting the ball in the air. How this guy got eight home runs last year is beyond me, and I don't think it's inappropriate to bring up the S-word with this guy when talking about Casilla's flukish success in 2008 (that's steroids, not...yeah, you get it; this year he's been the other S-word). Secondly, the goat of last night's game was arguably whatever Chicago coach had Scott Podsednik playing Casilla deep to center field, because Casilla's second hit was nothing more than a can-of-corn pop up to medium deep center field, and because of Podsednik's already limited range, he had no chance of catching it. So we're talking one legitimate hit and one cheeser -- but again, if you're struggling to hit .171, you'll take 'em any way you can. Nonetheless, Ron Gardenhire will point to this one two-hit performance as "proof" that Casilla can do the job. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Casilla's hitting in the #2 hole on Friday. I'm serious; we are talking about one of the stupidest men in the game, after all.


Liriano was scratched from his start on Wednesday due to "swelling in his pitching forearm." According to certifiable idiot Dick Bremer, team doctors had checked out Liriano and given him the green-light to pitch on Wednesday, and then Ron Gardenhire went ahead and gave Douchebag the start anyway. Which brings up an interesting question: why even send Liriano to the doctor? If you weren't going to listen to the doctors, why not just put him on the disabled list for the hell of it? I can just see Ron Gardenhire going to a Mexican restaurant and asking the waiter if the fajitas are better with chicken or steak, hearing that the waiter highly recommends the steak, and then saying "thanks, but I think I'll go with the fish tacos instead." Doctors, schmoctors, Gardy would say; it's not like they've been to school for decades and might have an educated opinion on a medical issue. Face it, Gardy -- you've just been too pleased with Douchebag's horrendous pitching out of the bullpen that you wanted to put him on the mound to start a game. He did report to Dick Bremer that Douchebag's bullpen outings were "fine," which if anything changes the dictionary definition of "fine," because Brian Douchebag was far from "fine." Well, if by "fine" you mean "f***ing horrible," then I s'pose, Gardy. Keep eatin' those fish tacos, Ronny Boy.


Less than 48 hours to the trading deadline, or as it's known here in the Upper Midwest as "Status Quo Day" or "Time to Spiel The Old 'We Tried to Improve Our Team But We Didn't Want to Endanger Our Future' Rigamarole Day." Seriously, the only thing I expect Bill Smith to do come midafternoon on Friday is move his bowels. The Twins already made their quasi-move when they signed Mark Grudzielanek a few weeks back, and we'll see if he even makes it on the roster before the season is up. But, as some others have said, the Twins have so many holes right now that addressing all of them would require a complete overhaul of the team. In short, the team could use two top starters, a couple good bullpen arms and a new middle infield. And the way the other real contenders are actually addressing their needs, the Twins are going to be even more mismatched if they make it to the playoffs. If the Twins were to win the Central, they would likely face the Yankees in the first round; does that sound like wins to you? The Twins fan base is going to be teased again mainly because the Central is the worst division in baseball. If the Twins were in the AL East, they'd be 10.5 games back; the AL West, 9 games back; and that's not even considering the fact that with the Twins in the Central, their schedule is so much easier because of lots of games against bottom feeders like Cleveland and Kansas City. So yeah, go out and get Orlando Cabrera, because that's going to make us be able to beat the Yankees.

JULY 24, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 6, MINNESOTA 3

Another inconsistent start for Francisco Liriano, as he pitches decent but gives up three home runs -- a solo shot to Jeff Mathis (he of the Puntoesque batting average of .197), a two-run home run to part-timer and ex-Gopher Robb Quinlan (his 25th career home run in seven seasons) and a back-breaking three-run home run to Mike Napoli, who won the game with a double the game earlier. It was especially disappointing considering the fact that the Twins desperately needed a good start from Liriano to save the bullpen if nothing else. After Glen Perkins went one pathetic inning against Oakland on Wednesday and Scott Baker amassed a huge pitch count on Thursday and had to leave after five innings, the Twins were counting on Liriano to pitch deep in the game. But the Twins have been counting on Liriano to pitch well all season, and he has just not stepped up to the plate at all. He's only had maybe one instance where Liriano pitched well in two consecutive starts; for the most part, Liriano's been bad with patches of brilliance. It's the kind of recipe that would make for a pretty successful relief pitcher, and it really makes sense to move him to the bullpen when you consider what the Twins have out there currently. But Ron Gardenhire stupidly believes in Liriano, and this crap will continue for the rest of the year. The loss drops Liriano to 4-10 and he's also the owner of a dismal ERA of 5.56. As long as Ron Gardenhire keeps going to Liriano every fifth day, he's easily going to lose fifteen games, with a good chance to lose a few more after that. Pathetic.

According to Dick Bremer, Ron Gardenhire has moved Joe Mauer into the #2 hole "at least in the short term, permanently." First off, what the hell does that mean? It's either permanent or in the short term, there, brainiac. In all fairness, I'm not sure which idiot has the information wrong -- Gardy or Bremer. A pipeline of information like that is something that I cringe at, but any way that it goes, we know that that info's going to be worthless however you interpret it. It's kind of like when Bremer reported that Gardenhire had commented that reliever Brian Duensing (5.82 ERA) was doing "fine." Whaaaaaaat? If that's "fine," I'm scared of what your opinion of "good" is -- well, we kind of already know, since Nick Punto has the best job security on the planet, as even the jaws of life couldn't pry Punto from the starting lineup. Getting back to the #2 hole controversy, Gardy claimed he did this earlier in the season to, in May, when the season could still be salvaged. Let's just put this into perspective; Ron Gardenhire waited until July 24 -- 97 games into the season -- to address the weakest part in his batting order. He gave Alexi Casilla three separate occasions, Matt Tolbert way too many opportunities, and it got so bad that he put Nick Punto there earlier in the road trip. I'm shaking my head just thinking about that stupidity. The higher you hit in the lineup, the more at-bats you're going to eventually get during the season. Why any person -- baseball person or not -- would hit a guy hitting in the .160s over a two-time batting champion is absolutely beyond me. Casilla, by the way, went 0 for 3 again, putting him at 3 for 29 since being recalled from the minors again. It's incredible how each time that Casilla has been called up, he's been miraculously worse every single time. And Nick Punto, who had a three-hit game in Texas last week that apparently prompted Gardenhire to bat him second in Oakland, has exactly one hit since then, going an incredible 1 for 17, dropping his average to a .202 average that is, well, Puntoesque. Mauer, by the way, went 2 for 4 with 2 home runs hitting out of the #2 spot on Friday.

JULY 21, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, OAKLAND 2 (10 innings)

A big win for the Twins, coming back from their worst loss in twenty-five years and beating the lowly Athletics in extra innings, 3-2. The Twins and Michael Cuddyer in particular got a break on Tuesday, as Oakland outfielder Ryan Sweeney inexplicably missed Cuddyer's catchable fly ball that ended up being the game-winning triple for the Twins. Granted, it would have been a nice running catch, but did you think that Cuddyer could actually have a clutch hit that wasn't screwed up in some way by the defense? The guy thrives on cheesy hits and pour-it-on run production, and we all knew that if it were Cuddyer that gets the winning run home, it was going to have to be on a play just like that. But, whatever, the Twins will take it, as they desperately needed to pick themselves off the mat after the Oakland Disaster on Monday night. The star of the game was undoubtedly Anthony Swarzak, who surprisingly pitched like a calm and collected veteran on the mound. He made the correct adjustments against the A's, a team that had beaten Swarzak a month ago, and his strong seven inning performance kept the Twins in the game and gave them a chance to win. Thanks to a misplay by Ryan Sweeney, the Twins took advantage.

Matt Guerrier got the win for the Twins, pitching two innings of near-perfect relief. Now, I will say this -- Guerrier is having a great season, but it's as good a time as any to bring up the fact that Guerrier is still in The Doghouse. Guerrier did this last year too -- pitch well in the first half only to implode (and I mean implode) in the second half. Last season he pitched to a 3.35 ERA ERA in the first half (over 45 games) and held opponents to a .241 batting average -- stellar numbers, especially considering that he had assumed Pat Neshek's eighth-inning role in mid-May and was still learning the role. The second half, however, Guerrier went 1-5, had an 8.88 ERA and opponents teed off against Guerrier to the tune of a .336 batting average. Along with the fact that Ron Gardenhire continued stupidly to bring Guerrier into close ballgames, Guerrier was perhaps the biggest reason that the Twins missed out on the playoffs last season, so it's mainly that resentment that's still lingering to this season. Even though Guerrier's been absolutely fantastic this season -- 2.18 ERA, 5-0 record, 0.86 WHIP, .191 opponent's batting average -- my heart still skips a beat every time that he's brought into the game. If Guerrier can put together a solid season -- an entire season, and not just a good half -- he'll be out of The Doghouse, but until then, he's still under hard watch. And think of it this way -- if Guerrier doesn't give up another run for the rest of the season but the Twins don't make the playoffs, that's still one blown season that's on Guerrier's record. So the resentment will always be there.

In a pre-game interview, Ron Gardenhire suddenly turned into Ozzie Guillen for a little bit, and his comments regarding how managers should be able to throw "red flags" like coaches can in the NFL were a little embarrassing. Gardenhire actually said it best after the game on Monday, that Mike Muchlinski's call should not have mattered because the Twins did not deserve to lose. He manned up and took full responsibility for the loss (well, he didn't blame himself, and that's the real issue here, but close enough). Then Gardenhire has to give this interview, and it makes him come off quite unprofessional, whiny, and still lingering on the bad call from Monday. Added to that was the fact that Gardy's "plan" was just plain asinine. I'm still having trouble making sense of the plan, so here it is from the horses' mouth, printed in the Pioneer Press:

"You'd have to have one (challenge) an inning, just for fun," Gardenhire said. "You throw it out and they go, OK, let's go look at it. Have a guy in a box that has a red scorecard and a green one and if (the call was right) he (holds up) green, you got it right, umpire. If you were wrong, you got red. You don't even have to talk."

So the umpires wouldn't look at the play? Some dude would hold up colored placards and that's it? One challenge per inning? Do we want to play a nine-inning game in five hours? I thought Bert Blyleven said it best during Tuesday's telecast, in response to Dick Bremer (not surprisingly) calling for expanded instant replay, "Why do we even need umpires then? Why not just have machines and robots make the calls?" If you're going to expand replay to calls at home plate, then you're going to have to expand it to include calls at all the bases, and then sooner than later you're going to just have a machine call balls and strikes. It's a game played by humans that involves some amount of human error -- Ron Gardenhire is certainly a prime example of a human making many mistakes -- what should be addressed is the fact that minor-league umpires like Mike Muchlinski are simply not trained well enough for the big-leagues. Why a Triple-A ump was given the task of umpiring home plate is beyond me. Clearly Muchlinski was out of position to call the final play on Monday -- what needs to be addressed is that these umpires, whether full-time or substitute, must be adequately trained for the big-leagues. As far as replays go, yeah -- do anything except whatever Ron Gardenhire was blathering about. That's childishly stupid, Gardy.

JULY 18, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 4, TEXAS 1

Another key win for the Twins against the Rangers, and Scott Baker throws by far his best game of the season. I said it yesterday and I'll say it again: if the Twins plan on doing any contending in the second half of the season, Scott Baker must pick it up. He pretty much sleepwalked through the first half of the year, and part of that may have been due to his arm injury that he had to begin the season, but at many times in the first few months of the season, what was so disappointing about Baker was that his demeanor just wasn't there on the mound. He looked as if he didn't want to be pitching, period, and that killer instinct that he appeared to have last season looked non-existent. But maybe with Saturday's eight-inning performance, Scott Baker can turn the corner, and with that the Twins may be able to mount a rally to win what is a pretty winnable division.


The offense again did just enough to win on Saturday, as Michael Cuddyer got two hits that were as clutch as Cuddyer can get -- a run-scoring double and a solo home run that was reminiscent of a Tom Watson golf shot. Usually Cuddyer's production comes in blowout victories or failed comeback wins, but with half of the team's RBIs on Saturday, that damn near qualifies as clutch in Cuddyer's book. Alexi Casilla went 1 for 4 out of the #2 hole, making him 1 for 8 since his call-up, but that didn't stop certifiable idiot Dick Bremer from beatifying Casilla for that one hit. It was a two-out, nobody on base single in the eighth inning, and Casilla ended up scoring that inning. I was just waiting for Bremer to lay the praise on Casilla for that one hit, and sure enough, there's Bremer putting Casilla into the Hall-of-Fame because of a 1 for 8 weekend. I can somewhat understand now what I think Ron Gardenhire might be thinking when he puts guys like Casilla and Matt Tolbert in the second hole. Take a look at that lineup -- Casilla is protecting Joe Mauer in that lineup. With Mauer, Morneau, and Kubel following Casilla, pitchers are going to give whoever hits second a lot of fastballs, and perhaps Gardenhire is putting Casilla there to make him prove to the on-field staff that at least he can hit hittable pitches. If he doesn't produce in the #2 hole, really where will Casilla get hits? In a way the #2 hole in the lineup is an express lane to finding out who's good on the team. There's a few problems with that philosophy, however -- first off, this isn't spring training or tee ball, this is the majors and you can't cripple your team by putting minor leaguers near the top of the order, and secondly, Casilla has hit in the #2 hole everytime he's been on the club and he's hitting .170. The experiment has failed, Gardenhire, three times in fact, so now you quit the whole experiment and cut ties with Casilla. The guy just can't get the job done. Case in point, the ninth inning on Saturday, when Casilla had the bases loaded, two outs, and had the count full. With Joe Mauer on deck, everybody in the ballpark knows a fastball is coming, and what does Casilla do with that fastball? Pop it up to second base. That's it Gardenhire -- that's the real Alexi Casilla.


I'm going to make a first here at the MTRC -- I'm going to give Ron Gardenhire props. I'm going to give him props about his tantrum he threw in the ninth inning which resulted in his getting ejected from the game. Gardenhire is good at acting like a six year old whose mom has sent him to the corner. It's extremely entertaining, in fact, and I got a good chuckle out of Gardenhire and first base umpire Gary Cedarstrom pointing fingers at each other and bitching back and forth. That's the one trait that Gardenhire has that is from the old school -- too bad that his unwavering 100-pitch count philosophies, coddling of sucky players like Casilla and Nick Punto, and consistent dicking with professional hitters' swings is terribly new school and pathetic. I'm not sure what school he belongs to that adheres so closely to Gardenhire's philosophy of "we can never win in the playoffs" -- that one must be unique to Gardenhire and Gardenhire alone.


Speaking of the umpires, I was getting a little restless watching home plate umpire Brian O'Nora run off the field every fifteen minutes to ice his midsection. He got hit in the cubes by a foul ball early in the game, which is something I don't wish on anybody. But the joke got pretty old by about the fourth time that O'Nora had to run to the clubhouse to fix his jock strap. Of course Dick Bremer was busy heralding O'Nora's "perseverance" and "toughness," but c'mon -- you're an overweight umpire who not only got hit in the nuts but was obviously struggling to survive the Texas heat. It was a three-hour game to begin with, and then because of O'Nora's stubbornness to stay in the game (not perseverance, but stupid insistence) the game drug out another half-hour. It should not take anybody three and a half hours to play a 4-1 game, and thank you Brian O'Nora for "persevering" through it all.

JULY 10, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 6, CHICAGO 4

A quick write-up today, as I am planning on bicycling the Lake Wobegon Trail tomorrow morning and I am trying to get some extra rest tonight. Thankfully, the Twins won on Friday, but the truth is that they didn’t really deserve it. They happen to have a guy on their team named Joe Mauer who is a phenomenal player, and it was Mauer who bailed out his team from what would have been an especially stinging loss. They jumped on John Danks’ wildness in the first inning, scoring four runs before Danks got an out. Then Michael Cuddyer, who had just produced an RBI single, provided a major momentum shift with a few seconds of pure idiocy, when he gets picked off first base. The next pitch, Danks strikes out Joe Crede with a runner at third (still) and Danks got Seldom Young to get out of the inning with just the four runs given up. You knew at that moment that Cuddyer was picked off that the White Sox would use that bonehead play to pick themselves off the mat, and they sure did. It took them a few innings, but they tied the score off ace pitcher Nick Blackburn, and it was 4-4 when Mauer came through with a clutch two-out single off tough lefty Matt Thornton.

The run was largely created because Octavio Dotel had walked Nick Punto to open the inning, and I have to use this space to congratulate Bert Blyleven for providing a glimmer of truth on what has become a big lie-fest, the Fox Sports Net coverage of the Minnesota Twins. Dick Bremer, who might as well run for Congress with his lying ability, can’t seem to bring himself to acknowledge the fact that Nick Punto is an abysmal baseball player, but Blyleven at least has gotten his head out of his ass. He predicted that the walk may come back to haunt the White Sox considering that the .210-hitting Punto is basically a pitcher at the plate – he used that exact comparison, which needless to say tickled me. Sure enough, Punto scored what turned out to be the winning run later that inning. Bremer tried to spin it into the fact that, though Punto is hitting just about his weight, he “can draw walks,” or something like that, which I’m all for. Actually what I would suggest is that Punto rest the bat on the shoulder full-time and try to take a walk every time up, because do you see this guy take full swings? It’s practically a train wreck, what with Punto stepping into the bucket and stumbling out of the box. I’d rather watch Jesse Ventura hit a tee shot that see Punto even attempt to swing the bat it’s that bad.

Good win for the Twins, who will have a challenge to win either of the last two games of the series. Gavin Floyd damn near no-hit the Twins last year and Glen Perkins apparently had the swine flu (H1N1, sorry), so they’ll be mismatched on Saturday, and Mark Buehrle’s primed for a complete-game, 90-pitch shutout on Sunday to end the first half of the season. Oh yeah, and Scott Baker pitches that day. Good luck.

JULY 8, 2009 -- NEW YORK 4, MINNESOTA 3

I think that Ron Gardenhire has to get on his knees and thank the schedule makers for the unbalanced schedule. Another loss to the Yankees makes the Bombers 6-0 against the Twins on the season. I always laugh when idiots like Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven rue the fact that the unbalanced schedule makes it so the Yankees and Red Sox only come to the Metrodome once a season. Dudes, do you realize that the Twins can't beat those teams without getting seriously lucky? The Twins should be pleased as punch that they don't have to play the Yankees more than seven times this season, as it's only seven games that they have to lose. It's only seven times that Ron Gardenhire has to scratch his head and figure out a way to lose to the Yankees. He didn't even try on Tuesday, when the Yankees smoked the Twins, but he was back at it again on Wednesday, as New York beat the Twins for the fourth time this season by the margin of one run. Terribly un-clutch hitting by the Twins and giving up key hits to the sore thumb of the Yankee lineup is a recipe for a loss, and that worked in spades on Wednesday. Brett Gardner again got a clutch hit against the Twins, a two-run, two-out single off Anthony Swarzak in the second inning that made the lead 3-0. Gardner and Nick Swisher are the only two Yankees in that lineup that have not made an All-Star team, and they combined to drive in three of the four runs. Every game against the Yankees this year has featured a hit by the sore thumb of the lineup, and a big hit at that, whether the sore thumb be Jose Molina or Brett Gardner or Francisco Cervelli. No wonder you don't win a game against them.

The Twins were absolutely dreadful with runners on base on Wednesday. Remember all that stuff I said about Michael Cuddyer being a terrible hitter in key spots yesterday? Yeah, well, you might as well etch that in stone, because Cuddyer's at-bat in the fifth inning was one of the most pathetic at-bats I've ever seen in my life. The situation: bases loaded, two outs, Yankees up by two. A.J. Burnett has struggled with his command all game long, especially not being able to get the curveball across the plate. He had walked the pitcher -- Nick Punto -- earlier that inning, for crissakes. Instead of waiting for a fastball to hit, Cuddyer fishes for two curveballs in the dirt and takes two half-swings that looked more like dry heaves set in motion. For the millionth time this season, Cuddyer folds in a pressure situation. But, hey, he's on pace for a thirty-homer season, so we'll accept him striking out like a Little Leaguer in spots that actually mean something. Absolutely pathetic, Cuddyer.

In the sixth inning the Twins had a chance, too, but then Nick Punto's turn in the batting order came up with two guys on base. Are we at all surprised that Nick Punto struck out? Are we at all surprised that Ron Gardenhire didn't pinch hit for Punto then, and not in the eighth inning, when there was nobody on base? The answer, of course, is pathetically "no" to both questions. It's a strange paradox that Ron Gardenhire displays with his playing Nick Punto. He apparently acknowledges that Punto sucks at the plate (I mean, you'd have to be beyond stupid to not realize that -- dumber that Gardenhire, even) but he would rather keep Punto in the game as long as he can until he pinch-hits for him. Again, look at it as if Punto were the pitcher at the plate (he basically is). In the bottom of the sixth inning, with your team down by two runs against a team that you haven't beaten this season, you may not get an opportunity like you had in the sixth again. You need to pinch hit anyone for Nick Punto right then and there and take your chances with Matt Tolbert in the field from there on out. They're basically the same player -- terrible offensively, average defensively -- so it's not like you're losing anything with the glove. Instead, Ron Gardenhire thinks it's too early to pinch-hit for the pitcher, and he loses probably the best chance he has to tie the game by sticking with Punto. Denard Span struck out following Punto to end the inning, and save for a Joe Mauer home run in the seventh, the Twins' threats were all but done for the night.

Here's props to Joe Girardi on making the correct managerial decision on Wednesday by bringing in Mariano Rivera with two outs in the eighth inning. It's the kind of move that good teams make, by acknowledging the fact that Rivera is a surefire Hall-of-Famer and you'd have to be out of your gourd not to use him in situations that call for your best reliever to handle. It's a move that I'm sure made Ron Gardenhire go, "Really?" in the dugout when he saw Girardi call for Rivera. It's not as if the situation was so dire that only Rivera could extinguish the rally -- there was one guy on base and two outs, with pinch hitter Jose Morales at the plate. Ron Gardenhire would only use Joe Nathan in the eighth inning if the bases were loaded or if Matt Guerrier's arm had fallen off the socket. Doubtless Gardenhire was shocked when he saw the best reliever in the last decade and a half come to the mound, because he's been taught that a closer only comes in for the ninth inning, and pitches the ninth inning only. Hey, the Twins have lost countless games and at least one division title operating under that mantra, and if anything else, it rattled Gardy's confidence, because, after all, the move worked. Rivera got Morales to end the eighth and then mowed down the side in the ninth, throwing a whole eleven pitches to get four outs. And guess what -- I'm pretty sure Girardi would be willing to do the same thing again today.

I do have to give Ron Gardenhire props for his classic cop-out regarding Glen Perkins, who was scratched from Wednesday's start because Perkins was "sick." I suspect Perkins got sick when he tried to recall his start against New York in May, when he gave up six runs in 2/3 of an inning. Either that or, more likely, Ron Gardenhire didn't want a replay of that horrendous outing but needed a good way to lie to the fans and said that Perkins was under the weather. Even more likely is the possibility that Perkins was indeed sick because Gardenhire poisoned his food the night before; good liars are ones that can back up their lies, and if need be, Perkins can show up with his face the color of guacamole and back up Gardenhire's excuse. Whatever the case, it was strangely perfect timing for Perkins to call in sick, and now that means that Francisco Liriano will pitch Thursday afternoon against spot-starter Alfredo Aceves, who picked up two wins in that nightmarish four-game sweep in May.

JUNE 7, 2009 -- SEATTLE 4, MINNESOTA 2

The Twins, not surprisingly, lose two out of three to the Mariners, as Eric Bedard finally beats the Twins for the first time in his career, and Kevin Slowey puts forth a subpar start and drops to 8-2 on the season. Slowey gave up three home runs to the Mariners in 4-2/3 innings, one each to Russell Branyan, Jose Lopez, and, unacceptably, Jamie Burke, a career minor-leaguer who was just called up earlier in the day. Here's a guy, Burke, who's 37 years old and has only 350 major league atbats in his whole career, with now three home runs. He came into the game hitting .077 (1 for 13) on the season, and Slowey picks this guy to beat him. This gets back to my idea of the sore thumbs of an opponents' lineup -- in order to have a chance of winning, you need to get the guys in the lineup that are so bad that they stick out like sore thumbs. If ever there was a sore thumb in a lineup (and Seattle has plenty) Jamie Burke's the guy. He's got two claims to fame in his spotty major league career: 1) he was bowled over at the plate by Torii Hunter when he was with the White Sox and 2) he lost a game while pitching for the Mariners last year in a 15-inning game. But, hey, I suppose the guy's a career .280 hitter (in the minors). But there's no good reason to give up hits to people like Jamie Burke, much less home runs. Absolutely ridiculous.

Speaking of sore thumbs, Michael Cuddyer has become quite literally a sore thumb in the Twins lineup, or to be more precise, a sore forefinger. Cuddyer missed a few games because of swelling in the finger, and for some reason was not put on the DL. He played in Saturday's game and looked Cuddyeresque (i.e. pathetic) and then there he was again in the lineup Sunday, even after Cuddyer said the finger swelled again. It looked obvious, as Cuddyer was unable to wrap the finger around the bat. Great -- that's all we need. Look, Cuddyer, you suck with ten fingers; with this swelled index finger you're basically as good as a nine-fingered frog. Do the team a favor and go on the disabled list. For one thing, we as fans won't have to see pathetic strikeouts like the one you did in your first at-bat Sunday.

Cuddyer aside, the rest of the team did not perform Sunday at the plate, nor for the entire series for that matter. The 1-2-3 hitters in the lineup went a combined 5 for 35 in the series (.143). In the three games, the Twins went 2 for 24 with zero hits to the outfield and zero RBIs with runners in scoring position in the series -- you're not going to score many runs ever if that's the case. Alexi Casilla came to the plate with runners on base all day long and he choked all day long. I'd like to give Casilla a new nickname a la Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson, who uses All Day AP as his sobriquet. It's All Day AC -- meaning Alexi Casilla chokes all day long. It's pretty bad when Brendan Harris, an admirable player but by no means great, is carrying your lineup. Harris' hitting streak stretched to twelve games, and with Nick Punto due to come off the DL on Friday, it will be interesting to see whether Gardenhire benches Harris in the midst of a hitting streak in favor of the perennial rally killer Punto. And for how bad the Twins looked this weekend, it's not like this is a surprising streak of baseball -- remember the series last month against the Yankees? The Twins couldn't buy a clutch hit that weekend, and that same horror show was on display in Seattle this weekend.

The Twins on the road, I believe, are the real version of this team. They aren't underperforming on the road, as spinners like Dick Bremer would posit, but they're overperforming at home, plain and simple. I love it when Bremer keeps the fans posted as to the status of the other teams in the division, as if the pennant race is already in full swing. It's June, dipshit, and the Twins aren't even at .500. Put it this way -- the Cincinnati Reds have a better record than the Twins do right now. These Mariners, who lost 100 games last season, have a better mark than the Twins do. With the June schedule being road-heavy, this might be the part of the schedule that sinks the team's chances. Though the Central Divison is certainly winnable, it appears that the Tigers are poised to run away with it, and I like their chances. They've got three pitchers right now on the top of their game that is comparable to any top three starters in the league (Jackson-Verlander-Porcello) and their lineup is certainly potent, with Cabrera and Ordonez et al. Don't forget that the Tigers arguably have the best manager in the league (Jim Leyland) and could get Jeremy Bonderman back from injury. You heard it hear, folks: the Twins are in trouble.

The Magical Mystery Tour which is this ten-game road trip continues tonight in Oakland, where the Twins haven't been successful of late. The A's are a young team that features a lefty-heavy pitching staff, which will spell doom for the Twins. And it doesn't hurt that the Athletics come into tonight with a six-game winning streak. Two rookies battle each other tonight: Anthony Swarzak for the Twins, and Josh Outman for the A's.

JUNE 3, 2009 -- CLEVELAND 10, MINNESOTA 1

After two straight one-run wins, the Twins fall back to earth, as they receive an ass-kicking at the hands of the fourth-worst team in baseball, the Cleveland Indians. Cliff Lee cruised to his third win of the season, and Anthony Swarzak did not look particularly good as he droppped to 1-2 on his young career. This outing might be good for Swarzak, however, as he needs to learn how to lose at the big league level and be able to come back in his next start and rebound. And frankly, only one ball was hit with any authority against Swarzak -- Jhonny Peralta's crippling three-run home run -- and it seemed the other hits for the Tribe were a collection of broken-bat bleeders that were hit where the fielders weren't. It was a pathetic display of baseball from every facet of the game, so let's get going.

The offense continued to sputter, as Lee pretty much shut the door on the Twins from the get-go. I would like to comment on this whole Cliff Lee-Carlos Gomez fued that's been supremely overblown by the Twins media. Apparently this stems from last season, when Gomez tried to bunt his way on every time at the plate against Lee, and Gomez was at it again on Wednesday. The problem is, Gomez is a terrible bunter, and he did one of the most pathetic things you can do in baseball in his first at-bat: strike out by fouling a bunt with two strikes. Correct me if I'm wrong, but does Gomez have a bunt hit this season? If he does, it's no more than one or two, but yet he tries at least four times a game. Lee apparently does not appreciate Gomez trying to bunt every time up, and I just have to say: Cliff, buddy, don't let this fool Gomez rattle you. You have a Cy Young on your resume, and what does Gomez have? A few Web Gems and a terrible approach to hitting? You are so much better than Gomez. The only reason he tries to bunt on you is because he knows he can't get a real hit off of you. Take it as a compliment.

Watching Gomez at the plate is almost as bad as seeing Seldom Delmon Young take a few hacks with the stick. Young went 1 for 4 (the one hit being a bloop single -- what a surprise), made four outs in his three other at-bats, and struck out twice, making him 4 for 34 with 19 Ks since returning from the family emergency list. If you go back a little further, the slump he is in is actually 4 for 41 (.097 average!) with 21 strikeouts. Seldom's on an amazing ten-game streak -- not a hitting streak, obviously, but a strikeout streak -- ten games in a row with at least one strikeout. For a guy who rarely gets on base and never hits home runs, that's just pathetic. Even missing a dozen games, the guy is 25th in the league in strikeouts. It's getting close to the time that a shake-up needs to be made, and usually the beginning of June marks the annual Twins shakeup. This was about the time that Juan Castro and Tony Batista were jettisoned in 2006, and also the time that Mike Lamb and Craig Monroe lost the majority of their playing time last season. The only thing going for the Twins regarding Young is Young's age; because he's only 24, you might get some team drunk enough to take the bait. And, as I said yesterday, whoever gets Young will be glad they did, as he'll blossom into that five-tool player everyone thought he was.

Alexi Casilla's error in the eighth inning led to two meaningless runs scoring off of Luis Ayala in the eighth inning. Casilla's defense continues to be underwhelming, and we all know that his offensive production is nonexistent. The Twins have a major hole at second base right now, and neither Casilla or Matt Tolbert or anyone that they put there can do the job at this point. It should be that the Twins are on the market for a second-baseman, but knowing Ron Gardenhire and the front-office, they're more than happy to drop games with talent-deficient infielders. The bad thing about Casilla's error last night was not that it led to two runs, but that those two runs were unearned against Ayala. We need Ayala's ERA to skyrocket, and quick, because the Twins are apparently fine with Ayala giving up runs in every outing; maybe with a 7.00+ ERA, the Twins would be forced to cut ties with the righthander. Ayala has a 4.07 ERA -- talk about deceiving.

As a sidenote, Dick Bremer's guess on last night's trivia question was pathetically wrong. When asked what pitcher holds the record for the most losses in a season after they won the Cy Young award, Bremer came up with Denny McLain, who he believed had a bad year after his 31-win 1968. Bremer was only a little bit off -- McLain went 24-9 in 1969 and won a second consecutive Cy Young.

MAY 31, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, TAMPA BAY 2

The Twins snap their three-game losing streak with a victory at the Trop, with Nick Blackburn outdueling Matt Garza for a 3-2 win. It was the first save for Joe Nathan this year on the road, and he retired the Rays 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth. The bullpen did admirably – which might be the first time (and only time, perhaps) that I utter those words; it’s too bad that Ron Gardenhire’s continued overmanagement of that area of the game is yet another talking point for today. Plenty to get to in what was a pretty ugly win for the Twins, but at this point I’ll take them anyway we can get them on the road.

Carlos Gomez drove in the winning run for the Twins in the top of the seventh with a bloop hit just out of the reach of the infielders. Most of Gomez’ hits are of the cheesy variety, and Sunday’s game winner was certainly Cheddarific. My stance was that Gomez should not have batted in that situation and I still say that. You had guys on at first and third and one out – Gomez loves to fail in those situations as he fails in every situation. For how bad a hitter Gomez is, he is absolutely dreadful in situations which actually mean something. Ron Gardenhire had the best hitter in the planet on the bench – Joe Mauer – but in his infinite wisdom, Mauer needed a “complete day off,” so Gomez it was, and Gomez shockingly came through with one of the fartsiest hits I’ve ever seen. Gomez made up for it in the ninth inning, when he came to the plate in the same situation as the seventh – first and third, one out – and this time he showed his meddle by striking out pathetically. The game-winning hit may have overshadowed his first at-bat of the game, in which Gomez did something so bad that I’ll have a hard time describing it. He squared to bunt, then moved his hands up on the bat and sort of took a half-swing jab at the ball, and it rolled back pathetically to the mound. The at-bat was so bad it actually made me embarrassed to be a Twins fan. Seriously – that guy is in the major leagues? There’s no better option than someone who callously gives up their at-bats like that? Unbelievable.

Alexi Casilla is no better than Gomez, and it was Casilla who was trying to bunt for base hits most of the night. Casilla, a hitter hitting .160, was batting second in the lineup for some inexplicable reason. Batting orders aren’t rocket science, Gardenhire. You try to put the best hitters near the top, power hitters in the middle, and Punto or pitchers in the #9 hole; how does a guy hitting his weight bat second in any lineup at any level? There was Casilla on Sunday, coming up constantly with guys on base and pathetically getting out every time at the plate. When he tries to bunt for a hit (which is often) it signals to anybody watching the game that Casilla himself has no confidence in his abilities to actually get a real base hit. Ron Gardenhire hitting Casilla second – another example of the supreme stupidity of the Twins skipper.

Gardenhire’s insanity can be most easily evidenced in the management of his bullpen, and though he lucked out Sunday, it was yet another shining example of the man’s pathetic overmanaging. First, he takes out Nick Blackburn after six innings and 98 pitches – ridiculous for a guy who is basically your staff ace at this point. You’re supposed to ride your ace and have them put the team on their backs, a la Jack Morris or Frank Viola. The only thing worse than the manager taking out Blackburn after six innings is that Blackburn’s OK with it; to pitch 6 or 7 innings is the goal for a Twins pitcher at this point because of the demented approach instilled by the regime. Gardenhire has lefty Sean Henn come it to face one batter – Dioner Navarro, who has the worst OPS in the league among qualifying hitters. Navarro’s a switch hitter, and apparently Gardenhire wanted Navarro to hit right-handed against the southpaw Henn. Dude, the guy is statiscally the worst hitter in the league. He’s got numbers that suggest Puntoesque Patheticness – I don’t think it matters what side of the plate the guy hits from. Of course, Navarro tagged a hanger from Henn and the ball landed inches foul before Henn came back to get Navarro out. Gardy skipped out of the dugout and resumed the cavalcade of ridiculousness which is his bullpen. Matty Guerrier pitched un-Guerrier-like (i.e. he got batters out) and Jose Mijares held down the fort in the eighth, though not without a booming hit off the bat of B.J. Upton that almost left the building. Mijares showed some rare athleticism when he caught a pop-up that had ricocheted off of the roof; he staggered and did a digger on the mound following the catch, which had to remind Twins fans of another popular overweight Mexican, Dennys Reyes. Mijares is admittedly more than a few trips to Sizzler away from really imitating Reyes, by far the jowliest pitcher in the bigs. But here’s to trying, Jose.

Seeing that Joe Nathan had not pitched in three days and the team had an off-day on Monday, it would make perfect sense for Joe Nathan to go two innings on Sunday to get the save. “Perfect sense” and “Ron Gardenhire” are mutually exclusive terms, however – you can’t have one and the other at the same time, so Gardenhire was content with letting his middle-relievers try to blow the game themselves. Mijares came within a few feet of doing just that (the Upton hit), but Gardenhire dodged a bullet and lucked out big-time.

As a side note, I’m getting quite peeved to hear Dick Bremer continuously refer to this as the 1/3 mark of the season, and that we can just multiply the hitters’ numbers by three and that’s what they’ll be at the end of the season. This would mean that Michael Cuddyer would have 100 RBIs and 27 home runs, for instance. Dude – when does projecting numbers like that ever work out? You have to factor in variables, like Michael Cuddyer sucks, and then you might have an accurate projection for Cuddyer -- .260, 15 HR, 75 RBIs, give or take. Think of it this way – Joe Mauer’s stats for 2008, had they followed a “projection” of his stats at the end of May, would have been .315, 0 HR, 63 RBI. They were a little off, as he ended up .328, 9 HR, 85 RBI.

Props to Bert “The Homophobe” Blyleven, whose dialogue with Bremer early in the game provided me one of the most awkwardly hilarious moments I have ever heard. In response to a viewer’s question regarding the two broadcaster’s favorite players growing up, Bremer had said Bob Allison, and one of the criteria that went into that boyhood adoration was apparently that Allison was “good-looking.” I’ll try my best to replicate the following discussion.

BERT: I don’t know about good-looking.
DICK: You don’t think he was good-looking?

BERT: [dead serious] I don’t look at guys that way.
DICK: [trying to divert the conversation] Gabe Gross now at the plate for the Rays.
BERT: [dead serious] You’re being gross right now.

Twins open a short three-game homestand against the reeling Indians, who are now without Grady Sizemore for a few weeks. Kevin Slowey goes for win #8 on Tuesday in the opener, and he opposes rookie David Huff.