SEPTEMBER 6, 2009 -- CLEVELAND 3, MINNESOTA 1

The nail-in-the-coffin road trip that I thought would really come to fruition in Toronto has blossomed a little premature with the Twins' second pathetic effort in three games against the second-division Indians. David Huff was a guy who the Twins just pummeled the first two times facing him, and on Sunday all the Twins were able to scratch across against Huff in seven innings were two measly base hits in the fifth inning. Add to the fact that Nick Blackburn gave up three back-breaking two-out hits, and that's a formula to lose a game in which you desperately need to win. It's not the formula that the Twins have used all that frequently in the second half -- they love to use the "three-inning, seven-run performance by a starter" formula, but the hallmark of a bad team is that they find different ways to lose. The Twins aren't simply one-track losers; they can scratch and claw their way to losses and, most importantly, be creative in their patheticness. Case in point Sunday, when they use a botched run-down to directly lead to the Cleveland insurance run. Michael Brantley had just knocked a two-out single to score the go-ahead run, and the throw to the infield was cut off, and Brantley was a dead duck between first and second. But, because of the Twins' ineptness, they fail to get Brantley out, mainly because Michael Cuddyer playing first base has no clue how to defend his position. Sure enough, Brantley would end up scoring on a base hit in the next at-bat. Though the extra run certainly wasn't needed considering the Twins offense on the road, it was yet another stroke of the hammer banging down on that coffin nail.

Contrast the Twins' sluggish performance on Sunday against a miserable opponent with the Tigers' character-building classic comeback against Tampa Bay. Down 3-1 with one out in the ninth, Brandon Inge hit a grand slam home run, leading the Tigers to a 5-3 win that extended their division lead to a comfy seven games. Though the Tigers' magic number is 20, that home run might have damn well clinched the division for Detroit. A three-game sweep on the road against the defending AL champs, in which all three games featured the Tigers scoring late runs to win the game, is proof positive that the Tigers are for real. Can you see the Twins having that impressive of a series on the road against a good team? The Twins can't even win two out of three against the Cleveland Indians -- facing the team with the second-worst team ERA in the league, the Twins scored a whopping seven runs in the entire series (it certainly doesn't help when your "stars" like Cuddyer and Justin Morneau are in extended slumps -- 0 for 16 for Cuddyer, 0 for 19 for Morneau). As I've said before, the lone drama that will unfold here in September is whether the Twins can hold on to second place. Before the season I predicted an 82-80 third-place season for the Twins, a prediction that resulted in sneers and derision and skepticism from overly optimistic fans who banked on the notion that 2008 wasn't an outrageous fluke. Though I hoped I was wrong, I just didn't see how certain players could duplicate their success in 2009 (guys like Casilla and Buscher and the entire starting staff). Unfortunately, it looks like my prediction has turned out to be precient, though I would like to see the team put it together here at the end and finish above .500.

Photos: AP/Tony Dejak

AUGUST 2, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 13, MINNESOTA 4

Another thorough ass-kicking to the hands of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, as they shellack the Twins pitching for the third straight game. It was the kind of game that reminded all Twins fans following their three-game sweep of the White Sox that this team simply cannot compete with the cream of the crop in the American League. Against the three best teams in the league -- the Yankees, Red Sox, and Angels -- the Twins are 6-17, and three of those wins earlier came against a depleted Angels team that was decimated by injuries. Fortunately for the Twins, they're done with those teams for the remainder of the season, and in reality the schedule certainly advantages the Twins down the stretch. They've got 24 games against the Central bottom feeders, the Indians and the Royals, so it's still in the realm of possibility that the Twins can win the division. But that's going to be a largely false accomplishment considering their competition in the division, and you would have to be insane or on drugs (or both) to think that the Twins could beat any of the actual contenders in the A.L. in the playoffs.

The biggest reason that they can't compete is that they just don't have the pitching, plain and simple. The team's ERA is 4.65 -- that's reminiscent of the mid-'90s pitching staffs helmed by the immortal Dick Such, when guys like Bob Tewksbury and Mike Morgan and Rich Robertson were toiling away on the mound. Glen Perkins was quoted as saying something along the lines of being frustrated in his last start to the White Sox after giving up a couple of home runs, because he "wasn't pitching his game." While that pearl of wisdom still confuses me, I think what he meant was that "his game" was more similar to his performance on Sunday afternoon, in which he gave up nine runs (eight earned) on a dozen hits in just four innings. Yeah, putting up a quality start is simply un-Perkins, and this kind of "pitching" was more of the regular Glen Perkins that we've become all too accustomed to. Now, when your starting pitcher gives up nine runs in four innings, you're basically out of the game at that point, but it doesn't help when you have nothing in the form of bullpen help that can perhaps salvage a game out of it. Brian Douchebag and Jose Mijares coupled to put the embarrassing finishes on one of the most embarrassing series that I've witnessed in years. Kendry Morales hit two three-run home runs for the Angels, and they pounded out fifteen hits yet again. The drubbing was so bad that it actually was historic in a bit; the Angels became just the second team in seventy-one years to score ten runs with at least fifteen hits in three straight ballgames (joining the infamous 1986 Cleveland Indians), according to the Elias Sports Bureau, which means that the Twins have never in their history been on the receiving end of such a pathetic pounding. Add to this the fact that Friday's game should have been a victory, and you may have had the worst weekend series in club history. Awesome.

Orlando Cabrera hit a home run in this game, but more important to me (and absent in any in-game or post-game discussion by paid liars Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven) was Cabrera's error on a ground ball in the fourth inning that led to the lone unearned run in the game. The play was as routine as routine gets, and Cabrera seemingly coughed it up with ease. Certifiable idiot Bremer was one to say that the acquisition of Cabrera would mean that the Twins would get a Gold Glover at shortstop, which is true I guess in the fact that Cabrera has indeed won a Gold Glove in the past, but his decline in the last two years has been nothing short of precipitous, and that includes his defense. His error was his fifteenth on the season, which is the -- wait for it, wait for it -- most errors in the Major Leagues! That's not just the most errors among major league shortstops -- nope, that's the most errors committed by any one player at any position. Why exactly did we trade for this guy?

The Twins' batters seemed to be swinging potato peelers on Sunday, because the Angels racked up thirteen strikeouts against the Twins. Justin Morneau was the only Twin not to strike out, and Carlos Gomez took the sombrero, striking out all three times (each time more pathetic, I may add) he was at the plate. Alexi Casilla showed everyone why the Twins were wise to keep him on the roster instead of Brian Buscher by going 0 for 3 with two strikeouts, lowering his average to a paltry .166. Michael Cuddyer is nursing a minor injury right now, which normally I would definitely welcome, but that means more playing time for Seldom Young, who responded to the rare opportunity to start by going 0 for 4. For the greatness that the Twins do have in the lineup -- Joe Mauer, Morneau, Jason Kubel, and for the most part Denard Span -- the Twins have an awful bottom third of the lineup, and their fringe guys are not producing much either. Young, Brendan Harris, Gomez, Casilla, Nick Punto, and Joe Crede all have on-base percentages hovering around a measly .300. Brian Buscher, for what it's worth, did have a pretty solid .350 OBP, all the more reason to look at that transaction on Saturday and plain shake your head. It's becoming increasingly obvious that the Twins management does not seem to consider talent as an asset. But in reality, the lineup problems are secondary now to the pitching woes, and if the pitchers can't get anybody out, the Twins could score 13 runs and lose (wait...didn't that happen not that long ago?).

AUGUST 1, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 11, MINNESOTA 6

The Angels score eleven runs off the Twins pitching staff for the second straight game, spoiling Orlando Cabrera's debut with the Twins. Anthony Swarzak pitched like sour milk, and then the bullpen pitched in with a five-run, three home run sixth inning that was a tandem effort by R.A. Dickey and Bobby Keppel, who after giving up two moon shots to the first two batters he faced, is quickly falling out of favor with everyone watching the Twins except Ron Gardenhire and Rick Anderson. But, as Dick Bremer would say, it's refreshing to hear someone like Keppel be upfront and "take responsibility" for Friday's pathetic eleventh inning. Refreshing, sure; but what would really be refreshing is if Bobby Keppel could get batters out, or even better, it'd be damn refreshing if the Twins cut their ties with this guy. It would be refreshing to be a fan of an organization that knows talent and tries its best to put the best players on the roster, and to use the best out of those players to place in their everyday lineup. That would be refreshing, yes, but the reality is is that I'm likely going to stay thirsty here for quite a while.


One example of this poor talent assessment is the transaction that the Twins made before the game on Saturday, when Brian Buscher was inexplicably sent down over Alexi Casilla's .171 average to Rochester to make room for Cabrera on the roster. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not here to laud praises on a guy hitting .225, but when the choices are .225 with a little pop who can deliver a pinch hit once in a while and a guy who's hit progressively worse in three seperate stints with the club, can't play consistent defense, is a mentally putrid player and sucks the team dry of offensive production in the bottom of the order, I'll take Busch any day of the week. What had Casilla done to deserve staying on the roster? He was recalled just before the All-Star break when his average was .180; somehow the guy found a way to lower that another ten points. The guy has simply failed at every aspect of the game, and his value as a fifth infielder at this point has to be lower than Buscher's value as a pinch-hitting option. Again, not to say that Buscher absolutely deserved to stay with the club, either, but everyone in the entire league has outperformed Alexi Casilla in 2009, and there's no excuse for leaving him on the roster.


But there is, according to Ron Gardenhire (who said this, according to Dick Bremer). The main reason for Casilla to stay on the ballclub, according to these two clowns, was that the veteran presence of Orlando Cabrera could perhaps help the young Casilla get a better understanding of the game of baseball. Casilla can learn from Cabrera, and it would be more valuable for the Twins long-term if Casilla were directly mentored by Cabrera for the two months that he's going to be in a Twins uniform. This notion is at once pathetic and self-defeating in all its intentions. This is a kind of thing that non-competitive teams do. If you're the Kansas City Royals or the Washington Nationals or the Pittsburgh Pirates, you can afford to do things like this and you probably could benefit from such a move. But according to everyone paid to like the Twins, this is a "competitive" ballclub that has set its sights on winning the division. How can a "competitive" baseball team afford to keep minor-league talent on their roster when they're trying to win a division? A move like this, and the philosophy behind it, should signal to Twins Nation that this team has no intentions of trying to win a Championship (I would consider an A.L. Central Division title a supremely lower-case "championship"), and as a lifelong fan I can't help but be offended at such a philosophy.


Speaking of offensive philosophies, I think my respect of Ron Gardenhire sank even lower after I heard Dick Bremer report to everyone listening that some of the content of last Saturday's "closed-door" meeting following their 11-5 thumping at the hands of the Angels in Anaheim regarded foolish outfield defensive plays "such as missing the cutoff man." According to Bremer, Gardenhire had told his outfielders that if they missed the cutoff man, that they would get benched on the spot. That's something that I agree with 100%; especially when you're dealing with Mensa antitheses like Carlos Gomez, you need a "tough-love" approach to management. But on Friday, when Gomez missed the cutoff man in the first inning (which led to an extra run for the Angels, which by extension was a major reason the Twins lost the game), Gardenhire sat on his hands and did nothing of what he had threatened his players with just a week before. That is not only a terrible way to manage a baseball team, but that's a horrible way to run a company, to raise a family, to be in an interpersonal relationship -- you can add to the list ad infinitum. Do you have any idea what happens when you set clear-cut boundaries and specific penalties and then welsh on those parameters which you yourself set up? The behavior that you had attempted to extinguish in the first place will *undoubtedly* happen again. If you're a parent, it's like telling your sixteen year old not to have a party when you're gone for the weekend, and if he/she did that they would be grounded; and then you return home to find your kid's hosting a party at that minute, and then join in on the festivities. What does that signal to your sixteen-year-old? That he/she can do that again and not take anything you say in terms of "threats" seriously. As a manager of a major-league baseball team, you lose all credibility with your players and those who follow the team closely. In fact, if I were Brian Buscher, I would have had a hard time believing Ron Gardenhire when Gardy told him he was sent down Saturday, for the mere reason that Gardenhire did not follow through on his "promise" that he initiated just a week prior. This much is guaranteed, Gardenhire -- Carlos Gomez will miss the cutoff man again, and probably sooner rather than later. What are you gonna do about it? Remember that all the respect your players had has been transfered to the status of simply a buddy-buddy manager whose words can be taken very lightly. Yeah, we all knew you weren't Knute Rockne, but at the very least, don't be a f***ing Pinocchio, Gardenhire.

JUNE 29, 2009 -- KANSAS CITY 4, MINNESOTA 2

A pathetic performance from the Twins on Monday, who managed a paltry two hits -- two -- of young Royal righthander Luke Hochevar, who's a terrible pitcher in every sense of the word. He struggled mightily early on just getting the ball over the plate, as he allowed two Twins to reach in each of the first three innings, but the Twins did not break through with a hit until the fourth. In that inning, Michael Cuddyer doubled to lead off the inning, and was unacceptably left there, as the vaunted combo of Brian Buscher, Seldom Young, and Nick Punto all flew out to the outfield. Yeah, that's Nick Punto folks, "healthy" again and in the everyday lineup. It was said, however, that Punto's ribs felt good enough to play on Monday but if they were to flare up again, Ron Gardenhire would have no choice but to put Punto on the disabled list. I'm crossing my fingers in the hope that those ribs flare up (and soon) and I even like that he played on Monday, because if he did go on the DL, he would miss the full 15 days, whereas if they had disabled him prior to Monday's game, he would have been eligible to play in about a week and a half, seeing as he had already missed five games. My hope is is that Gardy plays Punto tonight and he slides headfirst into first base again and he injures himself. In fact, while you're at it, break a leg, Punto, because you gone for the season would make this .500 team that much better to watch.

Speaking of injuries, Joe Crede's nagging injuries are back, and now it involves what Twins fans were dreading all along. Apparently Crede's back was giving him problems in St. Louis and that forced him out of the game on Monday. For the first three months, Crede had more injuries than I even think is humanly possible, but none of them concerned the back that was cited as Crede's liability in the offseason. Now the back is starting to hurt, and that could mean more playing time for Brian Buscher. That's not exactly a good thing, because Brian Buscher sucks -- I mean sucks. The guy's hitting .198 with little power, and he's no defensive upgrade, wherever he plays. Buscher doesn't belong in professional baseball -- he fits the mold of a good St. Paul Saint, in that he a) sucks, and b) he's got a Minnesota connection that could bring in a few fans here and there. He reminds me of another ex-Twin that I happened to notice scanning through the Northern League boxscores the other day: outfielder Dustan Mohr, who did have a pretty good year for the Twins in 2002, and then fell off the face of the earth and is now playing for the Wichita Wingnuts of the Northern League. Buscher's success last year was nothing more than a fluke, and he's proving it to everyone who follows the Twins now (well, except Ron Gardenhire). The Twins apparently have a top-notch prospect at third base named Danny Valencia, who was recently promoted to Triple-A. If Crede's back craps out, you might as well bring Valencia up -- the Twins aren't going anywhere this season anyway, and since Valencia will probably be the starter come Opening Day 2010, it might be a good idea to give the guy some experience now.

Nick Blackburn pitched very well for the Twins in the first five innings, surrendering only a two-out, unearned run in the second inning (caused by Michael Cuddyer stupidity, who insanely threw the ball into the left field corner to score a run). Then came the sixth, when Blackburn gave up back-to-back home runs to Alberto Callaspo and Miguel Olivo. I know, who???! You don't give up hits to guys like Alberto Callaspo, much less home runs. It should also be said that Blackburn gave up a base hit to Tony Pena Jr., who is by far the worst hitter among position players in the major leagues. Nick Punto looks like God at the plate compared to Pena, who came into the game hitting .088!!! It's not as if it's an anomaly, either -- Pena hit .169 in 95 games last season for the Royals, with an unheard-of OPS of .398. Blackburn's stuff is conducive to giving up some base hits, but if you're giving up hits to Tony Pena Jr. you don't belong in the bigs, I'm sorry.

Scott Baker pitches tonight for the Twins against right-hander Brian Bannister for the Royals, who's done well against the Twins in his career. Baker has done very well against the Royals in his career, too, notably coming close to a perfect game against KC in 2007. Baker had a no-hitter after six innings against the Royals this year (and had a 4-0 lead) and ended up losing the game in what was one of the most pathetic games I have ever seen. This Royal team has really struggled since the Twins first saw them this year, but the way the Twins' are (i.e. wildly inconsistent), it would make a lot of sense for them to win two series on the road against teams tied for first place and then get swept by the fourth-place Royals. Let's hope that doesn't happen.