SEPTEMBER 14, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 6, CLEVELAND 3

Again the Twins sleepwalk through seven shutout innings against mediocre-at-best Jeremy Sowers, and it appeared as if the Twins were on their way, thanks to a late comeback win by the Tigers, to falling further behind Detroit. But then a funny thing happened on the way to third place: the Twins came back, picking themselves off the mat. A clutch three-run home run off the bat of Michael Cuddyer (no, really!) tied the game off reliever Chris Perez, and then the Twins used rinky-dinky cheeseball to take the lead. Matt Tolbert, playing in a "pennant race" for some reason, doinked a bloop double behind third base after Seldom Young had singled, and Young would score on a wild pitch/passed ball. Jason Kubel would launch a home run later in the at-bat, and the Twins' six-spot they put on the board in the eighth was enough to carry them past the pitiful Indians. It was nice to see the Twins win a game when their opponents' reliever put up a Matt Guerrier Special, but the biggest news of the night would come to the surface during the post-game interviews.


Justin Morneau's done for the season, as is Joe Crede's (most likely), as both players' backs have officially crapped out. Morneau, frankly, has been nothing short of terrible lately, but it goes without saying that this injury is potentially fatal for the Twins' chances of holding on to second place. Add Crede's injury, and that means a few things: one, it means more playing time for guys like Carlos Gomez and/or Seldom Young, and it means more playing time for Nick Punto and/or Matt Tolbert. Any way you cut it, the two injuries makes the Twins that much worse offensively. Especially when you have a manager who's willing to play guys like Matt Tolbert in "key games down the stretch," these injuries will force Ron Gardenhire to be creative, which is kind of like asking a kindergartener to go without cake at his birthday party. Lots of tears will ensue and it'll probably mean that you'll have to clean the drapes afterwards.


If the Twins want any shot at first place, they'll have to sweep the Tigers this weekend at the Dome, and if they really want that to happen, they're going to have to win these games against an inferior opponent in order to gain momentum. Scott Baker has been pitching lights-out as of late, and he faces Fausto Carmona, owner of some pretty ugly numbers who mowed down the Twins the last time he faced them.

Photos: (1) AP/Jim Mone; (2) AP/Ben Margot

JUNE 20, 2009 -- HOUSTON 6, MINNESOTA 5

One day after rinky-dinky cheese-ball scores them five runs (well, three legitimate runs, not counting the Seldom Young line drive that was misplayed into two runs), the Twins power their way to five runs, all via the long ball, and they lose the game 6-5 due to their bullpen. The game was a throwback in many ways to the Twins of 2008, when Ron Gardenhire regularly lost the game with his pathetic bullpen. This time around he takes out Scott Baker with the lead in the seventh inning and entrusts Sean Henn with a lead for the umpteenth time, and for the umpteenth time, Henn comes in and loses the game. We all know that Gardenhire is obsessed with his bullpen pitchers having set-in-stone “roles”; but the rapid ascension of Henn from career minor-league journeyman to seventh-inning left-handed stopper on a “competing” team is baffling even to Gardenhire’s most outspoken critic. Henn did nothing prior to assuming this new important role to suggest that he could hold leads and be anything close to reliable. But Ron Gardenhire has embraced the idea that Henn is a guy who can come into close games late and lose them pathetically. After all, Henn’s lost three games in two weeks since becoming that guy, and with Matt Guerrier having an uncharacteristically “good” year, all indications are that Henn is quickly becoming the new yukster in the ‘pen, a Guerrier version.2009, if you will.

When Gardenhire took Baker out, it was expected that Sean Henn would definitely not hold the lead. The only thing up in the air was whether Henn would produce the true Matt Guerrier Special (MGS), in which the reliever not only gives up the lead but puts his team behind by at least two runs. Henn came through in spades, as he gave up the tying hit to .200-hitting Jason Michaels and then a two-run home run to the power-deficient Michael Bourn, who absolutely mashed the ball into the right field football seats. In every sense of the word, Henn’s MGS was efficient, as he faced three batters, gave up two hits, two runs (in addition to the inherited runner who scored), and took the loss. His ERA is quickly climbing to that level known as, well, Sean Henn career numbers – by that I mean the 7.50 range. He came into the season as a career minor leaguer whose major league numbers would offend somebody’s mother-in-law, and after a few deceivingly “good” appearances for Ron Gardenhire in mop-up duty, Henn had “proven” himself for the Twins and thereby was called upon to lose games on a regular basis. To add insult to injury, Ron Gardenhire put in Luis Ayala when he yanked Henn three batters too late, and Ayala came through again with his role, which is to extend opponent’s leads. Lance Berkman fouled one off Ayala that went half-a-mile, then he dutifully ripped one that was definitely fair over the fence. Berkman’s home run ended up being the winning run – how many times does Luis Ayala give up the winning run but fail to get any negative attention lavished on him? He’s certainly immune to the microphones of Fox Sports NoTruth, who were busy lionizing Nick Punto for getting his average over .220.

Speaking of St. Punto, his patheticness had to leave the game after a head-first slide apparently bruised his ribs in the middle-innings. Hooray! As my earlier feature “In The Doghouse” stated, I am all for Punto’s head-first slides, as one of these days he’ll seriously injure himself and thereby not be available for Ron Gardenhire to put him in the everyday lineup. I always thought it would be a separated shoulder, but bruised ribs? I’ll take it. It was getting almost unbearable to hear Dick Bremer and Ron Coomer to take turns lauding the exploits of Punto. They were heaping praise on Punto during his first at-bat, and he ended up grounding out weakly to the second baseman, and Coomer was extolling how “even in his outs, he hits the ball hard.” WHAT??!?! The rest of the lineup didn’t produce much of anything outside of the four home runs hit by the top of the order. Three of the four bombs were of the solo variety (Brendan Harris, Joe Mauer, Seldom Young) and one was a two-run shot (Jason Kubel). Following a familiar script, the top of the order came through while the bottom of the order failed to contribute anything, and the Twins paid for it. All they were able to manage off of retread Brian Moehler (3-4, 6.66 ERA, .322 opponent’s average) was four hits and three runs in six innings, and Moehler ended up with the win. That’s absolutely unacceptable, especially for a team that would like to consider themselves “contenders.” You don’t lose to pitchers like Brian Moehler if you fancy yourselves a good team.

Glen Perkins goes Sunday against Wandy Rodriguez, who’s a pretty good lefty for the Astros. For a team who sucks so bad on the road, it is imperative for the Twins to win the rubber game of the series. A 4-2 homestand against the fifth-place Pirates and last-place Astros is nothing to write home about, but it’s better than 3-3, and they need all the wins that they can afford at home if they plan on sucking it up on the road. How about some production from Justin Morneau, eh? He plain hasn’t done squat in the last few weeks, and frankly he’s looked ugly on some swings. As I’ve said before, the team will go only as far as Mauer and Morneau take them; Mauer’s been pulling his load, but Morneau has not. Not surprisingly, the Twins are only hovering at the .500 mark.

JUNE 19, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 5, HOUSTON 2

The Twins cheesed their way to a 5-2 victory over the last-place Houston Astros, as Kevin Slowey pitched good enough for his incredible tenth win of the season against two losses. The Twins' runs were produced via a sacrifice fly, a squeeze bunt, a Michael Cuddyer double and a Seldom Young "double" that was in reality a ball lost in the lights by outfielder Jason Michaels. The offensive production was what people love to call "Twins baseball," which is pretty much a euphemism for "rinky-dinky cheese-ball that's good enough to win division titles but nothing more." It's actually nice to see line drives hit across the field and it's refreshing when your team wins because they hit the ball with authority. It doesn't need to go over the fence, but it looks better and sounds better when batters make good solid contact with the baseball. But I'm a Twins fan for life, and I suppose I have to accept this brand of baseball. I get it -- Nick Punto can't hit the broad side of a barn, and he's basically a pitcher at the plate, so why not suicide squeeze with Punto at the plate. It's sure as hell better than having Matt Tolbert lay down a suicide squeeze -- we know what happens then.


But wins like these are almost so cheezy that you're kind of
embarrassed to be a Twins fan, like saying it's the only way that we can consistently win, by bunting and hitting high choppers that turn into turf hits. Hey, it's going to win you some division titles and give you a good story for Tim Kurkjian to write about how a small-market team "consistently competes," but when playoff time rolls around, you're going to realize that the teams that are actually good, that have relied on talent to get them to the playoffs, are going to roll over you time and again. Even the 2006 Oakland A's, who weren't all that talented but are the epitome of anti-smallball, beat you handily. This isn't the '80s, when teams like the Cardinals and Astros regularly competed with the speed-based, Astroturf-assisted smallball that the Twins are apparently following. Classic Ron Gardenhire -- playing the game 20 years behind its time. Next year things are going to be different without artificial turf. I have a feeling that the team will remain largely the same, and the philosophy of small ball will still be intact. With Target Field playing totally different than the Metrodome, that could lead to some horrible results.


Slowey uncharacteristically walked four batters in his six innings, but Ron Gardenhire, one game after Nick Blackburn put forth the first (and perhaps only) complete game of the season, apparently thought that his starters couldn't go past six innings on Friday, so he characteristically lifted Slowey after ninety pitches for good ol' Matt Guerrier for the seventh inning. Guerrier pitched a clean seventh, though of course not without a mild heart attack, and Jose Mijares came on for the eighth inning. Mijares gave up a home run to some guy named Jeff Keppinger, which is unacceptable. The Twins have been doing this way too often lately -- giving up home runs to "some guys" -- people that you've never heard of that are pathetically terrible. I'll list the players who got home runs in the Pirates series and raise your hand if you've even heard of any of them -- Naijer Morgan, Andrew McCutchen, and two LaRoches (Andy and Adam). Now career journeyman infielder Jeff Keppinger goes deep on them. Terrible.


Then in a move of utter surprise, Ron Gardenhire brought in Joe Nathan to face Miguel Tejada to close out the eighth inning. It's the second time this month that Gardenhire has stooped to this level -- by that I mean make the obvious, correct managerial decision. Nathan got Tejada to strike out, and in the bottom of the eighth Seldom Young got his cheezy two-run lost-in-the-lights double to pad the lead and thereby seal the win for the Twins. Scott Baker goes tonight against Brian Moehler, he of the very hittable stuff and devilish 6.66 ERA. Twins better win.