SEPTEMBER 11, 2009 -- OAKLAND 12, MINNESOTA 5

Talk about inspiring confidence in your fans that you can actually, let's say, finish the season over .500. A 12-5 thumping at home to the last-place Oakland Athletics says a lot about your team -- a whole lot. Frankly, it wasn't even as close as the 12-5 score would indicate. The A's mashed and bashed their way to a Texas-sized romp of the Twins. Facing one of the worst offenses in the entire major leagues, the Twins have found ways to give up 12, 16 and 14 runs in individual games to Oakland this year -- that's just plain unacceptable. Oakland came into Friday dead last in the American League in hitting home runs, so what do they do? They clobber five bombs over the wall and by the end of the third inning the Twins are out of the game. What's funnier is that the Tigers lost again, this time to the Blue Jays, so again the Twins could have "climbed their way back into this thing" if they could have taken care of the second-division ballclub they were facing. But alas, the loss drops the Twins under .500 again, and makes even the most optimistic fan question the Twins' actual talent.

As always, it comes down to pitching, and Nick Blackburn again didn't have it on Friday. He hasn't "had it" since Ron Gardenhire's masterful plan to rest his then-ace pitcher for ten days in between the All-Star break. I've mentioned that umpteen times since he decided stupidly to do that, for the mere reason that, of all the boneheaded managerial moves Gardy has made just this season (and there's a whole low-light reel worth of them, trust me), that one might turn out to be the most costly. Sinkerball pitchers tend to tighten up when they receive too much rest, and even a fan mildly interested in the art of pitching knows that. When they tighten up, their sinkers don't quite sink, and especially if you don't have strikeout stuff to begin with (like Blackburn), your pitches are going to get hit, and hard. Jack Cust's home run in the second inning was more like a moon shot -- a towering, majestic big fly that landed some 440 feet later. Add a few more home runs to unlikelier sources -- Cliff Pennington (who?) and Mark Ellis, and Blackburn's day was quick and unproductive, like most of his second-half starts. Ron Mahay formally introduced his presence in the Twins bullpen to the fans by giving up the nail-in-the-coffin three-run blast to Daric Barton, and Armando Gabino continued to etch his name in the pantheon of Twins obscurity by surrendering the fifth and final Oakland home run to Kurt Suzuki. One bright spot for the Twins was Francisco Liriano, finally pitching out of the bullpen, who pitched two scoreless innings, notching four strikeouts. Now if only he did that when the season was still up for grabs...

Photos: AP/Ann Heisenfelt

AUGUST 28, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, TEXAS 2

The three runs that the Twins score off Ranger starter Tommy Hunter is just barely enough to beat Texas, as Brian Douchebag puts forth his first solid start as a major leaguer. To give Douchebag props, he went out there and shut down a potent Rangers offense, limiting them to three hits over seven innings. Of course, shutting down potent offenses over seven innings and 96 pitches is just too much to ask, so Matty Guerrier was on the hill for the eighth inning, and if not for Joe Mauer throwing out potential base stealer Elvis Andrus, Guerrier would have surrendered a run, and David Murphy's blast off Joe Nathan in the ninth came about five feet from clearing the baggie. By the hair on their chinny-chin-chin, the Twins squeek one out at home, but again fail to move on the Tigers, as they handily defeat the Rays at home. The Twins do move into second place due to the White Sox losing to the Yankees, but as long as the Tigers continue to win, they're going to be hard to catch coming down the stretch.

The Twins did some roster maneuvering on Friday, acquiring both Jon Rauch from Arizona and Ron Mahay from Kansas City to "bolster" their bullpen. The Rauch acquisition I actually like, as the Twins will likely retain Rauch for next season at a modest price (around $3 million). The tallest player to ever play in the big leagues, the 6-11 Rauch could also potentially be a boon for the Timberwolves, as their GM has been so anti-Bill Smith this offseason (i.e., making moves) that I couldn't name you two players on that team right now. Mahay, on the other hand, is the classic Twins move. He's had a terrible season with the Royals this season; a 4.79 ERA for a left-handed one out guy ("LOOGY," as they're referred to in some circles) isn't that impressive, and he's given up a whopping 55 hits in 41 innings, including nine home runs. It's funny that Craig Breslow, who the Twins shipped out in May, has benefited from the change of scenery in Oakland and has had a pretty good run with the A's; Mahay's acquisition is such that he basically becomes a lesser Breslow, and in no way does his presence in that bullpen do anything to improve the ballclub. Sure, he may alleviate the pressure and stress on Jose Mijares' arm, but if the guy can't get batters out, it doesn't really matter. Yet, the Twins acquisition that I disliked the most was the one that flew completely under the radar, and that was the Twins sending Yohan Pino, their best starter in Rochester, to the Indians to complete the Carl Pavano deal. Remember that I had said that Pino was more deserving of the call-up than Armando Gabino was, and now the Twins have dispatched Pino for the two months that they'll get from Pavano. You'd like to think that the Twins got Rauch for next to nothing, as a "player to be named later" was sent to the D-Backs; but, knowing Bill Smith, that player to be named later just might as well be Danny Valencia or Anthony Slama.

Joe Crede finally went on the disabled list (for the first time this season, amazingly) and Jose Morales was dutifully called up from Triple-A. Crede's injury likely means more playing time for Nick Punto, and we all know how great that is. And with the rosters expanding in September, the suddenly new-look Twins are about to get a new batch of fresh faces to join them for the "pennant chase." Remember what Ron Gardenhire did last season when he put those minor-leaguers in key spots down the stretch -- he damn well lost the season because he put Jason Pridie (in his major league debut) in for defense in Toronto and Pridie ended up committing a costly error which cost the team the game (and, by extension, the season). So what green rookie is Ron Gardenhire planning on ruining the season with this September?

Photos: (1) AP/Andy King; (2) AP/Ben Margot

AUGUST 25, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 7, BALTIMORE 6

Another one-run squeeker against one of the worst teams in the American League goes the Twins way, as Seldom Young's fourth hit of the ballgame drove home the winning run with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning. The Twins clawed their way back from three runs down twice against the Orioles' horrendous pitching staff, and the game featured a little poetic justice, as the Twins' three runs in the sixth were charged to former Twins great Brian Bass, who at least pitched the sixth inning like he did last season with the Twins. These games are very important for the Twins if they feel like playing well the rest of the way, as their easy, easy schedule affords them the opportunity to play last-place and second-division clubs frequently down the stretch. After Baltimore leaves town after Wednesday's tilt, the Twins entertain two playoff contenders, Texas and Chicago, so it's imperative to beat the teams that you need to beat. With Detroit's second consecutive impressive win in Anaheim against the Angels, the Twins fail to gain any ground on the division leader, but with the White Sox loss in Boston, the Twins have moved into a tie for second place. More importantly, the Twins are back to the .500 mark, which is certainly impressive seeing as they were six games under .500 just a little over a week ago. Yes, the season-long five game win streak was compiled against the likes of Baltimore and Kansas City, but the way the Twins play (i.e., inconsistently), any run of victories is for sure a good sign.

The Armando Gabino experiment failed miserably, to say the least. Gabino was all over the plate, showing no signs that he was even ready to pitch in the big leagues or wanted to, for that matter. The ineffectiveness and the surprising early-onset male pattern baldness will likely combine to make Gabino's major-league stint a short-lived and somewhat forgettable. Even idiots like Ron Gardenhire and Rick Anderson know that they can't survive getting only eight outs from their starters. That's bad enough, but when you've got Philip Humber and Bobby Keppel as your options beyond the poor start, that just compounds the mistakes. If the Twins had been facing a halfway decent opponent on Tuesday, the score wouldn't have been close. But the Orioles pitching staff is worse off than the Twins (and that's saying a lot, mind you) and starter Brian Matusz nearly matched Gabino's lack of command, and the Twins were able to come back on Baltimore. Any game just wouldn't be complete without a Ron Gardenhire head-scratcher, and Tuesday's came compliments of Gardy delusionally believing that Jesse Crain could go a third inning in relief. Crain had completed two solid innings of relief to keep the Twins in the game, and Gardenhire put him out to start the ninth. Let me get something clear, Gardy -- you get six outs out of Jesse Crain in a week, you should be satisfied. If Crain is able to get six outs in a game, you take him out of there like he just committed a crime. Sure as shit, Crain gives up a leadoff double in the ninth, and only Jose Mijares' superb relief stint made it possible for the Twins to win it in the ninth. It all goes back to a familiar theme with Ron Gardenhire, and that's his babying protection of Joe Nathan. If the game's tied in the ninth and you're at home, you put your closer into the ballgame. You don't keep your sixth-best relief pitcher on the mound to try to get a third inning out of him. But, hey, Nathan pitched fifty pitches last week, so he still needs the rest.

Photos: AP/Andy King

AUGUST 24, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 2, BALTIMORE 1

The Twins are able to scratch across two runs against the worst pitching staff in the American League, and they were lucky enough to do that. During Orlando Cabrera's at-bat in the sixth inning, a two-strike curveball by Baltimore starter Chris Tillman appeared to break straight across the middle of the plate belt-high. Even Bert Blyleven and Dick Bremer appeared to think that home plate umpire Paul Emmel made the incorrect call by judging the pitch a ball. With second life at the plate, Cabrera lined a single to center field, moving Denard Span to third base with nobody out, and Span would eventually score the game-winning run on a Jason Kubel sacrifice fly. But strangely absent from any post-game commentary was a rant by Baltimore manager Dave Trembley, who really should be bitching about umpires missing calls that turn out to be the difference of the game. I mean, what kind of manager wouldn't just take the easy way out and blame officiating when bigger, more crucial problems are actually in the manager's control to change? It was just very odd, this display of professionality and class by Mr. Trembley -- something that just would never happen if it were the other way around. It's always refreshing to know that whenever the Twins play another team, there's one professional manager in the stadium that doesn't cry over sour milk or whine and moan when things don't go his way. It's funny that, when the shoe is on the other foot, Ron Gardenhire's suddenly a quiet fan of Mr. Emmel's strike zone and poor calls.

So the Twins have run off four straight wins against last-place ballclubs; if we're talking about a good team, that wouldn't be noteworthy, but when we're discussing the 2009 Twinkies it should be duly noted. The problem is that you're only as good as the next game's starter, and in this case it's wild-eyed rookie Armando Gabino, who'll be making his major league debut against the Orioles. Since every game is extremely important from here on out, it's pretty hard to accept this line of reasoning from the front office and Ron Gardenhire, that Armando Gabino represents the best chance of netting the team a victory on Tuesday. It's usually the case, however, that rookie pitchers tend to have a successful first couple starts (see Swarzak, Anthony), due mostly to the fact that a solid advance scouting report has yet to be circulated throughout the league. The Orioles can hit, that's for sure, but I would be surprised if Gabino totally implodes. It's hard to expect wins out of guys pitching in the big leagues for the first time ever, and Gabino's no different. Hell, this guy was mainly a reliever for Rochester; he's started only five games for the Red Wings this year and only 13 in his entire professional career, dating back to 2004. It would appear that, out of the Red Wings' current staff, Yohan Pino would be more deserving of a major-league promotion, as he's pitched very well in eight starts in Triple-A since being promoted from New Britain. But whatever the case, the fact remains that games in late August that are the most critical to your ballclub just plain cannot be started by guys like Armando Gabino. Here's to eight innings of shutout ball, kid.

Photos: (1) AP/Tom Olmscheid; (2) www.rockcats.com

AUGUST 22, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 8, KANSAS CITY 7

Two wins in a row against the pitiful Royals, and with the Tigers losing at Oakland, the Twins are "back in the thick of things," as certifiable idiot Dick Bremer would say. They're still three games below .500, mind you, and the Royals haven't been playing like a major league team in the last three months. Saturday's game was an example of a game that if the Twins needed to pitch one more inning, the Royals were likely going to finally overtake them. Brian Douchebag pitched the game of his life, which at this point in his career is just five innings and two earned runs. Because of the short start, the Twins had to rely on their bullpen, and what's worse was that Joe Nathan's 53-pitch outing on Friday apparently made him unavailable on Saturday, making Matt Guerrier the de facto closer [Gulp]. Ron Coomer, filling in for Bert Blyleven on color this weekend, was quoted as saying that this series is something like make or break, the most important series of the year and they desperately can't lose games like this. If that's the case (and it is, unless you want to fall further back in the division), you need to have Joe Nathan on the mound in the bottom of the ninth inning. Frankly I don't care if Nathan had to throw 120 pitches on Friday, if these games mean that much, you've got to have your best players in the spots that they are asked to deliver in. What's the worst that could happen, Gardenhire? You're banking on one good inning from Joe Nathan -- 15-20 pitches at most. Who in their right mind wouldn't be able to throw that many pitches, no matter how many they threw the night previous. Considering Nathan's classic "brush-off" of the push-over Gardenhire the night before, I thought that perhaps Nathan could easily talk his way back into the game. But alas, Matty Guerrier got the save, nearly giving up the tie in the eighth and giving back the insurance run the Twins cheaply got in the top of the ninth to win by the narrowest of margins.

After Douchebag left after the fifth, the Twins had to seriously patch it up until Stopper Guerrier came in in the eighth. Bobby Keppel and Jesse Crain helped get the Royals back in the game in the sixth and seventh innings, each surrendering two runs in their less-than-one-inning performance. Both of these slugs have proven that they simply cannot get major league batters out, but I have a sneak feeling that the front office will bring both of these guys back for 2010. Hell, considering the pay hike that Billy Smith gave Nick Punto last offseason, Keppel's 5.55 ERA may be due for a raise. That the Twins were even able to win this game was a testament to how truly bad the Royals are. The three runs that the Twins got in the top of the sixth were mainly due to Joe Mauer reaching first on a wild pitch on strike three, and Michael Cuddyer's pop-up in a clutch situation in the ninth (Cuddyer popping up in the clutch? No, really???!!!) needed to be caught, and that turned out to be the difference in the game. But the seventh inning was a classic, as the Royals loaded the bases with nobody out against Jesse Crain. Jose Mijares inherited that mess and promptly gave up a single to cut the lead to 7-5. After a key Cuddyeresque pop-up by Mitch Maier for the first out, the madness ensued. Yuniesky Betancourt hit a can of corn to center field, and Carlos Gomez dropped the ball, and instead of getting the easy force play right in front of him at second, threw to third to get the out there instead. To cap it off, Josh Anderson lined a ball to left, and Seldom Young, instead of retreating back on the ball, did a standing leap and barely caught the ball. It was literally one of the funniest things I'd ever seen; I laughed for a solid minute after seeing that patheticness.

The Twins go for the sweep on Sunday, with Carl Pavano making the start for the Twins. Anthony Swarzak, by the way, was finally outrighted back to Triple-A, and some guy named Armando Gabino was called up. Not sure whether this Gabino is going to get a shot at the starting staff, but whatever his role is, there are two things that are important with this transaction: 1) Swarzak's back in the minors, where he belongs, and 2) even the thought of a guy like Gabino making critical starts down the stretch for a "contending" team should tell everyone that the team has zero chance of getting to the playoffs. But hey, anybody's a step up from Swarzak, who in his last four or five starts was serving more meatballs than Olive Garden.

Photos: AP/Charlie Riedel