JULY 22, 2009 -- OAKLAND 16, MINNESOTA 1

The Oakland Athletics came into the series with the lowest batting average in the American League. They were twelfth in the league in runs scored. If it weren't for their pitching, which has actually been pretty decent this season (middle of the pack in ERA), the A's might be challenging the Nationals for the worst record in baseball. The Twins, on the other hand, are "competing" for a division title, and had just taken two out of three from the "competing" Texas Rangers. What happens in the three game series? The Twins lose two out of three, give up an incredible thirty-two runs in three games to the offensively-challenged Athletics, and leave the Bay Area on the losing end of a 16-1 ass-whoopin' at the hands of the last-place A's. Twice in the series -- twice -- the Twins gave up seven runs in an inning against Oakland; prior to the series the A's had scored seven runs in a game only six times in their previous thirty-six games. On Wednesday, it was Glen Perkins that gave his best impression of pitching, giving up eight runs and getting three outs, raising his ERA nearly a full run to 5.55. The key at-bat for Perkins was a bases-loaded, two-out walk to back-up catcher Landon Powell, who at nearly 300 pounds is surprisingly a light-hitting Puntoesque hitter. Perkins had Powell 0 and 2 and then dicked around with him, walked Powell to make it 2-1 in the first, and the next batter, the weak-hitting Rajai Davis, cleared the bases with a triple to make it 5-1.

Now, at 5-1, the Twins were out of the game. Never mind the fact that the Oakland A's came back from a ten-run deficit just two nights before. The Minnesota Twins are just not the kind of team that likes to come back from any deficit over three runs. After one inning of play, the Twins basically gave up, and it was reflected in Perkins' demeanor in the second inning, when the first two batters reached on a single and a walk, and Scott Hairston brought them home with a three-run home run that sent Perkins to the showers. Kevin Mulvey came in and did almost worse than Perkins, surrendering four more runs to score in the second to make it 12-1 before the Twins could catch their breath. Now remember -- that's about the score that the Twins were up on the A's at about the same spot in the ballgame on Monday. But did the Twins want to come back? Did it appear that they even wanted to be on the field at that particular point in time? Absolutely not. Only three times in the game did the Twins mount a rally with two runners on base, and their only run came on a solo home run by Justin Morneau in the first inning. The game was an absolute embarrassment. I wonder, though, which is more embarrassing -- losing a ten-run lead or losing 16-1. What do you guys think?

Now the Twins have to actually face a talented team in the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who are streaking with a six-game winning streak after sweeping the lowly Royals in Kansas City. The Twins swept the Angels early in the season, but that was when Los Angeles' pitching staff was heavily depleted by injuries. The three starters that the Twins saw in that series were Dustin Moseley, Darren Oliver, and Shane Loux. It was Oliver's first start in four years and the only start he made for the Angels this year; he's back in the bullpen. Moseley's been on the disabled list for most of the season and Loux was just recalled by the Angels after spending two months in Triple-A. This time around, the Angels are hurting from the other side of the diamond, as both Vladimir Guerrero and Torii Hunter (in the midst of a career year, by the way) are on the mend. But their pitching is back, and the Twins will be facing some tough hurlers this weekend in Anaheim. Jared Weaver pitches tonight for the Halos, and he faces Scott Baker, whose first start after the break was a phenomenal success. Baker's start Thursday will be as important, as he looks to get the Twins off the mat following a disastrous series against Oakland.

JULY 9, 2009 -- NEW YORK 6, MINNESOTA 4

Well, the Twins did it. They were swept in the season series against the Yankees, losing all seven games, including this humiliating three game sweep at your home stadium. Remember all that so-called "momentum" that the Twins had built prior to the Yankees series, winning four consecutive series and narrowing the Tigers' lead over the Twins to two games? Well, that's all gone, as the Twins find themselves at .500, four games out and in third place. With one swift kick to the nuts, the Yankees have brought the Twins down to where they belong, and Thursday's game was more of a mockery of the game of baseball than anything else. What was the difference in the game, you ask? Two at-bats by the Yankees' sore thumb in the lineup -- third baseman Cody Ransom, who came into the game the proud owner of statistics so bad that they remind people of a certain Puntoesque Patheticness. Francisco Liriano walked Ransom with the bases loaded in the three-run second inning, after getting ahead of him 0-2 in the count. Then in the fourth inning, Ransom singled in a run, thereby providing the two runs that turned out to be the difference in the ballgame. Throughout the seven pathetic losses to the Yankees, the Twins were not beaten by Mark Teixeira and A-Rod and Jeter -- it was because of consistent, embarrassing production from the Cody Ransoms and Brett Gardners and Francisco Cervellis that made the difference.


The Twins' made a rash of mistakes on Thursday and quite frankly they had no business being close. Matt Tolbert was batting second and playing second -- all I have to say about that is What??!! and Why??!?!!! Sure as shit, Tolbert makes the key gaffe in the game -- making an error that led to all three runs scoring in the second inning. It's too bad, too, that everyone knew that Tolbert couldn't get those runs back at the plate, because, like everyone in the league is quickly learning, he is absolutely atrocious with the stick. It was around the first Yankee series that Ron Gardenhire first got his head out of his ass and stopped batting the .170-hitting Tolbert in the two hole, but apparently Gardenhire's missed the view of his own intenstines, so there was Tolbert protecting, or rather doing a bad impression of protecting, Joe Mauer in the batting order. Tolbert was able to drive in the run the only possible way he can, by walking with the bases loaded in the fourth inning. Still, the three runs that his error led to in the second inning was enough for the Yankees to beat the Twins again, and once again Twins fans are left scratching their heads, wondering why the hell this horrid excuse for a ballplayer is on a major league roster. Frankly I doubt whether the Kansas City Royals or the Washington Nationals could make good use of Tolbert on their teams -- but for Ron Gardenhire, if you can "hustle," you've got it made in the shade.


Nick Punto is such a terrible -- you know what? I'm just going to save my breath on Punto. We all know what to expect from Punto -- a talentless, vomit-inducing, worthless human being who does absolutely nothing positive for a ballclub. There he was on Thursday, going 0 for 4, dropping his average to an abysmal .211, including striking out with the bases loaded and one out in the fourth. Without question, Punto is the worst ball player I've ever seen, and I'm just going to end it at that.

And what the hell was Justin Morneau thinking in the bottom of the seventh inning? Michael Cuddyer was up, primed to strike out in another clutch situation (representing the tying run), but he never got that chance because Morneau stupidly tried to advance to second on a pitch in the dirt. Jorge Posada picked the ball up and easily threw out Morneau. Factor in Francisco Liriano's horrible pitching performance -- falling behind hitters consistently, throwing forty pitches in the second inning alone, and not appearing to be confident at all with any of his pitches, and the Twins failed at every aspect of the game on Thursday -- pitching, hitting, fielding, and baserunning. Add that to the fact that Ron Gardenhire can't manage to save his life, and that's a great recipe for losing. It's a recipe that Ron Gardenhire has down by heart, in fact, and it especially is used whenever the Twins face the Yankees. Astonishingly, it's the third season out of eight for Ron Gardenhire that the Yankees have swept the Twins in a season series. It happened in Gardy's first two seasons (2002 and 2003) and now it again happens this season. It also makes it two seasons in a row that the Twins have gotten swept in a season series (last year they went 0-6 against the Toronto Blue Jays). For his career, Ron Gardenhire is an amazingly pathetic 16-47 against the Yankees in his career, including, of course, the playoffs. That's head-shakingly terrible, but it's understandable when you realize that he's imparting a certain style of baseball that he believes needs to be played to beat the Yankees. It's classic Ron Gardenhire pins-and-needles baseball, where everyone's afraid to make a mistake. As we've seen time and again, if you are nervous about making a mistake, you're going to make one sooner or later, and good teams like the Yankees pounce on those chances and win games because of them.


Now the Twins have to face the high-flying Chicago White Sox, who have been hitting the cover off the ball of late. The Twins should be grateful that Glen Perkins' "illness" will push him back to Saturday, because they desperately need their ace, Nick Blackburn, to stop the bleeding. Considering the Twins face All-Star and perennial Twin killer Mark Buehrle on Sunday, the Twins need to win on Friday, and it's the kind of game that they need their ace pitcher to provide the stabilizing force and avert a losing streak going into the All-Star Break. John Danks, hero of the one-game playoff last season, will pitch for the Pale Hose.

JUNE 24, 2009 -- MILWAUKEE 4, MINNESOTA 3

The Twins lose on a Little League home run by the light hitting Jason Kendall, and it was also reported that Ken Macha took the entire Brewer team to Dairy Queen after the game for their spectacular come-back win. There was no such joy in the Twins clubhouse, as Nick Blackburn's throwing error cost the Twins a game in which they should have won. Blackburn's pitched at least eight innings in three straight starts now, which is expected from your staff ace. But in all three of those starts, he's had the lead in the eighth and twice he's blown those leads. Two weeks ago in Oakland he was cruising along with a 3-0 lead and, after an Adam Kennedy home run, the game was tied after eight and the Twins would end up losing in the ninth. On Wednesday Blackburn had a 3-2 lead with two out and nobody on base in the bottom of the eighth inning. All he needed to do was to get out light-hitting J.J. Hardy and his night would be satisfyingly complete. Hardy blooped a single to center field -- still, you're fine, as long as you get out the .230-hitting Jason Kendall. Instead, Kendall hits one off the wall, Hardy scores, and because Brendan Harris' throw got past Joe Mauer on the relay to the plate, Kendall took off for third. Nick Blackburn, who was backing up the play at the plate, threw wildly to third, and the ball went into the outfield, and Kendall could walk home with the winning run. In essence, Blackburn made two bad pitches in the entire game: the pitch that Kendall ripped for the double, and the errant throw he made to third. Not sure why Blackburn even threw to third; as long as you get the next guy out, the game's still tied. It would have taken a perfect throw to get Kendall, and instead you make a terrible decision and a horrendous throw and you lose the game right then and there. Ridiculous.

I imagine Ron Gardenhire will be second-guessed for keeping Blackburn in the game. I'm not one of those people who would second-guess Gardenhire for this move, as Blackburn's your ace and you ought to ride your best pitcher. He had a low pitch count (not that that should matter, anyway) and he was in control of the game. And even though Blackburn chose a really pathetic way to lose the game, it's better than seeing Matt Guerrier lose the game. But the reality is, now that Blackburn's lost leads in the eighth inning twice in three starts, it's probably going to make Gardenhire even more cautious with his starters. I think a reason that Blackburn and all of the starters seem to struggle in the eighth inning is that it's uncharted territory to them. The regime has told them, "give me six or seven good innings and you've done you're job," and because of that mentality that has been driven into them even as early as the minor leagues, when they get to the eighth and ninth innings, they feel that they shouldn't be on the mound. If they're good, they should possess that killer instinct that great pitchers have. Not only do they not have that, but they're managed by a guy who loves to lose with his bullpen. So Blackburn's struggles will likely force Gardenhire's hand. The next time that the Twins are up by a run going into the eighth inning, expect Matty Guerrier to be in there. That means that Guerrier will be pitching a whole lot more than he has already this season, which means that Guerrier will eventually be overused, which means more Matt Guerrier Specials (MGS), which means more Twins losses. So it'll all even out as it should.

Blackburn's eighth inning was pretty pathetic, but it's not as pathetic as the earlier runs that he surrendered. Looking at the Brewer lineup, it's surprising that the team is competing for first place (considering the Twins, that sounds familiar). Aside from Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder, there isn't a whole lot in that lineup that really scares the opposition. The bottom of the order is so bad that it even conjures up a certain sense of Puntoesque Patheticness: J.J. Hardy's hitting in the .210s, Jason Kendall hasn't done jackshit since leaving the Pirates five years ago, and on Wednesday the pitcher's spot was filled by Braden Looper, who was hitting .050 on the season. So of course, all three RBIs that the Brewers got were from Kendall and Looper, who inexplicably got a base hit in the third inning. You don't give up hits to the opposing pitcher, especially ones who are 1 for 21 at the plate. That's tantamount to giving up a hit to Nick Punto -- it's just unacceptable. You look at that lineup and you say, hey, if Braun and Fielder are going to beat us, so be it. They're their best hitters. But you don't give up hits -- game winning hits, no less -- to the sore thumbs of the opponent's lineup. Jason Kendall is terrible at the plate -- you sure as hell don't give up game-winning Little League homers to this guy. The ball almost went over the fence legitimately. We're talking about a guy who has hit six home runs combined in the last five years. Pathetic.

Now the Twins face minor-league veteran Mike Burns on Thursday afternoon, and he opposes Scott Baker, who might have a good start and might have a bad start. He's just so inconsistent that it's been frustrating to watch this season. The Twins likely will have a hard time with Burns on Thursday; after all, they only got three runs off Braden Looper on Wednesday, and he didn't have much to offer in terms of talent.

JUNE 5, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 2, SEATTLE 1 (10 innings)

Talk about pure cheese. The Twins win in the tenth inning Friday compliments of an error by Seattle left fielder Wladimir Balentien, who misplayed Matt Tolbert's line drive into a game-winner. Balentien no doubt reminded Twins fans of a certain Seldom Delmon Young by letting the outfield play him. Though the victory was no doubt cheesy, and mistakes in the game were rife, it's a win, and the Twins should be grateful to win a game started by Felix Hernandez, who looked pretty sharp for the M's. On a positive note, Francisco Liriano turned in a fine pitching performance, a rarity this year. Sure, the lineup that he faced featured an over-the-hill Mike Sweeney batting clean-up -- definitely not Murderer's Row. But Liriano needed this start badly, as maybe he can gain some confidence from his six-inning performance.

For the first time this season, the bottom of the lineup outperformed the top half, as the combo of Brendan Harris, Brian Buscher, Carlos Gomez, and Alexi Casilla combined to go 7 for 16. When it mattered, the bottom of the order choked, of course, and Matt Tolbert -- what can I say about this pathetic excuse for a major league player? He entered the game in the eighth inning pinch running for Joe Crede. Tolbert did end up stealing a base in the inning, and then Tolbert and third base coach/idiot Scott Ullger conspired to run themselves out of the inning. Buscher's infield single to second base was apparently enough for Ullger to send Tolbert home on the play, who was out by ten feet at the plate. Obviously Ullger had flashbacks to last Saturday, when he failed to send Joe Crede on an overthrow in which Crede likely would have scored. The batter on deck that day was Alexi Casilla, and Casilla would have been the next batter on Friday night, so it's not like I disagree with the decision -- Casilla sucks, and for him to get two hits in a game (much less two hits in a week) is a miracle in itself, so you can't bet on him getting a third hit, especially one in a clutch situation.

Then there's Tolbert's at-bat in the tenth inning. With the game on the line, Ron Gardenhire had apparently no move in which to pinch-hit for Tolbert -- which is a shining example of how thin this bench is at this point. If Michael Cuddyer can't pinch hit in this spot, you might as well put him on the disabled list. Cuddyer's terrible, too, of course, but anybody in the building is a better option that Matt Tolbert. Dare I say Seldom Young would have presented a better chance to get the run home? With runners on first and third and one out, Tolbert was at the dish because of Ron Gardenhire's insanity, and even Gardenhire is apparently aware of Tolbert's lack of skill, as he called for the suicide squeeze. Considering Tolbert's role model appears to be Nick Punto (his stats reflect a certain Puntoesque Patheticness), I think everyone in the park thought that the only way Tolbert was going to get the job done was with a bunt. With the worst hitter on the current 25-man roster at the plate (basically a pitcher batting), the element of surprise isn't there -- it's not like Joe Mauer was at the plate or somebody halfway decent. Tolbert squared to bunt, and the pitch was way outside, though not too far off the plate for Tolbert to at least make contact with. Because he failed to foul the ball off, Mauer was hung out to dry coming home, and the Twins were bailed out by the Seattle defense on the next play. It just emphasizes a major point -- this team is under the belief that they can win the division and they're putting guys like Matt Tolbert and Alexi Casilla and Carlos Gomez and Seldom Young and Nick Punto and Brian Buscher and Mike Redmond into the lineup on a consistent basis. If your team is asking Matt Tolbert to drive home game-winning runs in extra innings, competing for a pennant should be the last thing from your mind.

Well, the Twins got a win in Seattle, which I thought would be a tough challenge. Now they get their ace Nick Blackburn on the mound this afternoon against Jerrod Washburn, a guy with mediocre stuff that the Twins have never really figured out. Washburn, by the way, is the pride of Webster, Wisconsin -- an area that I spend parts of my summers in. Blackburn goes for win #6 on the year today.

JUNE 2, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 4, CLEVELAND 3

Joe Mauer hits another home run and drives in three runs, and Kevin Slowey improves to 8-1 on the season, as the Twins narrowly defeat the lowly Indians at the Metrodome by a score of 4-3. Mauer wasn't retired on Tuesday, as he went 3-3 against Cleveland starter David Huff and the bullpen. The Twins were comfortably ahead 4-0 in the seventh before Slowey sputtered and the bullpen nearly gave it up. In a shocking move, Ron Gardenhire did the unthinkable -- he brought in Joe Nathan in the eighth inning! Happy day! I was sure that the move was going to be Jesse Crain and the bullpen horror show would have continued, as Crain undoubtedly would have lost the game for the Twins. Not surprisingly, Nathan shut the door on the Tribe in the eighth and pitched a clean ninth for his tenth save in twelve tries.

Brendan Harris made a very solid defensive play at shortstop and collected two hits, proving once again why he is far and away the better all-around option at shortstop. Here's a guy who can hit fifth in your lineup, like he did Tuesday, and produce offensively (he went 2 for 4) while not being a liability in the field. Though his range is limited compared to Nick Punto, Harris makes up for it at the plate, certainly something that Punto (who I wish the Twins could DH for) cannot accomplish. And, as we saw on Tuesday, Harris is definitely capable of playing shortstop well. Alas, we better enjoy this while we can, because once Nick Punto is ready to play, you can guarantee that his .501 OPS will go right back into the everyday lineup. This is Ron Gardenhire we're talking about -- a scrappy, talent-deficient utility infielder who never got to start everyday when he played for the Mets in the early '80s. He's getting his comeuppance by letting Punto -- a player that no doubt reminds Gardenhire of himself -- start everyday, and by extension, he loses 4-5 games because of that inane decision.

Slowey again pitched good enough and had the run support to move to a somewhat deceiving 8-1 on the season. His last five starts have been really strong, and it always helps when the Twins average over six runs when Slowey is on the mound. We have to remember that Livan Hernandez started last season 6-1, and he wasn't with the team by the time August rolled around, to there's plenty of time for Slowey to fall down to earth (It's worth mentioning that Livan is 4-1 with a 4.33 ERA as the fifth starter for the Mets this year). But I had predicted a good season from Slowey before the year started, thinking he'd blossom into a 15-17 game winner this season. His first month and a half was only decent -- he was 5-1 but had an ERA of 4.50 in mid-May. But he's pitched well of late, and if he wins a few more games, he might be in line for an All-Star appearance. Hell, if he's 12-1 at the All-Star break (hypothetically speaking, of course) he may start the All-Star Game.

The bottom of the order continues to be the Achilles heel for the team. Joe Crede, who seems to get hurt every other day now, was out of the lineup again on Tuesday and Brian Buscher and his .176 average got the start at third. Delmon Young has numbers that suggest a certain Puntoesque Patheticness (a dreadful .536 OPS), and he had the collar again on Tuesday, going 0-4 with two strikeouts. Since returning from the "family emergency list" on May 24, Young has gone an amazing 3 for 30 with seventeen freaking strikeouts!!! There hasn't been a game that Young hasn't struck out at least once, and he's had three games which he's struck out three times in a game. When I heard Young's name being shopped in the offseason I was against that, as I thought that Young would bounce back from a dreadful 2008 campaign, but frankly it's stupid that the Twins didn't trade him. Right now I don't think the Twins could get anything for Young, certainly not the Jerrod Washburn-Jeff Clement package that they were intent on getting from the Mariners.

Something has got to be done with Young, who obviously isn't clicking here in Minnesota. It just goes to show how pathetic the Twins' hitting philosophies are and why homegrown players are the only hope for the Twins. It happened with Rondell White, Mike Lamb, Craig Monroe, and now Delmon Young -- they acquire these guys and then Joe Vavra and Ron Gardenhire try to make them into slap hitters. The stress that they put on "going the other way" with the pitch goes against these hitters' natural instincts, and especially with guys like White, Lamb, and Monroe, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. If you looked at those guys' numbers before they came to the Twins, it was apparent that these guys can hit -- why don't you just let them do what has made them successful to this point? Young is perhaps the one turnaround project that has worked the least; he's taken their advice to an extreme and has turned into a singles hitter at best. On the season, Young has two extra base hits and 24 singles. More than anything, Young needs to be himself, and I don't think that's going to be in a Twins uniform. Mark my words: once the Twins trade this guy, he will explode into a great offensive player, a la David Ortiz when he went to the Red Sox. The Twins seem to have a strange avocation to turning big, muscular, power-hitting behemoths into slap hitters; Ortiz is the shining example of what kind of player the Twins were missing out on.

Anthony Swarzak goes tonight for the Twins against Cleveland ace Cliff Lee, who has been a tough-luck loser all season long for the Tribe. Expect a low-scoring affair tonight.

MAY 31, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, TAMPA BAY 2

The Twins snap their three-game losing streak with a victory at the Trop, with Nick Blackburn outdueling Matt Garza for a 3-2 win. It was the first save for Joe Nathan this year on the road, and he retired the Rays 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth. The bullpen did admirably – which might be the first time (and only time, perhaps) that I utter those words; it’s too bad that Ron Gardenhire’s continued overmanagement of that area of the game is yet another talking point for today. Plenty to get to in what was a pretty ugly win for the Twins, but at this point I’ll take them anyway we can get them on the road.

Carlos Gomez drove in the winning run for the Twins in the top of the seventh with a bloop hit just out of the reach of the infielders. Most of Gomez’ hits are of the cheesy variety, and Sunday’s game winner was certainly Cheddarific. My stance was that Gomez should not have batted in that situation and I still say that. You had guys on at first and third and one out – Gomez loves to fail in those situations as he fails in every situation. For how bad a hitter Gomez is, he is absolutely dreadful in situations which actually mean something. Ron Gardenhire had the best hitter in the planet on the bench – Joe Mauer – but in his infinite wisdom, Mauer needed a “complete day off,” so Gomez it was, and Gomez shockingly came through with one of the fartsiest hits I’ve ever seen. Gomez made up for it in the ninth inning, when he came to the plate in the same situation as the seventh – first and third, one out – and this time he showed his meddle by striking out pathetically. The game-winning hit may have overshadowed his first at-bat of the game, in which Gomez did something so bad that I’ll have a hard time describing it. He squared to bunt, then moved his hands up on the bat and sort of took a half-swing jab at the ball, and it rolled back pathetically to the mound. The at-bat was so bad it actually made me embarrassed to be a Twins fan. Seriously – that guy is in the major leagues? There’s no better option than someone who callously gives up their at-bats like that? Unbelievable.

Alexi Casilla is no better than Gomez, and it was Casilla who was trying to bunt for base hits most of the night. Casilla, a hitter hitting .160, was batting second in the lineup for some inexplicable reason. Batting orders aren’t rocket science, Gardenhire. You try to put the best hitters near the top, power hitters in the middle, and Punto or pitchers in the #9 hole; how does a guy hitting his weight bat second in any lineup at any level? There was Casilla on Sunday, coming up constantly with guys on base and pathetically getting out every time at the plate. When he tries to bunt for a hit (which is often) it signals to anybody watching the game that Casilla himself has no confidence in his abilities to actually get a real base hit. Ron Gardenhire hitting Casilla second – another example of the supreme stupidity of the Twins skipper.

Gardenhire’s insanity can be most easily evidenced in the management of his bullpen, and though he lucked out Sunday, it was yet another shining example of the man’s pathetic overmanaging. First, he takes out Nick Blackburn after six innings and 98 pitches – ridiculous for a guy who is basically your staff ace at this point. You’re supposed to ride your ace and have them put the team on their backs, a la Jack Morris or Frank Viola. The only thing worse than the manager taking out Blackburn after six innings is that Blackburn’s OK with it; to pitch 6 or 7 innings is the goal for a Twins pitcher at this point because of the demented approach instilled by the regime. Gardenhire has lefty Sean Henn come it to face one batter – Dioner Navarro, who has the worst OPS in the league among qualifying hitters. Navarro’s a switch hitter, and apparently Gardenhire wanted Navarro to hit right-handed against the southpaw Henn. Dude, the guy is statiscally the worst hitter in the league. He’s got numbers that suggest Puntoesque Patheticness – I don’t think it matters what side of the plate the guy hits from. Of course, Navarro tagged a hanger from Henn and the ball landed inches foul before Henn came back to get Navarro out. Gardy skipped out of the dugout and resumed the cavalcade of ridiculousness which is his bullpen. Matty Guerrier pitched un-Guerrier-like (i.e. he got batters out) and Jose Mijares held down the fort in the eighth, though not without a booming hit off the bat of B.J. Upton that almost left the building. Mijares showed some rare athleticism when he caught a pop-up that had ricocheted off of the roof; he staggered and did a digger on the mound following the catch, which had to remind Twins fans of another popular overweight Mexican, Dennys Reyes. Mijares is admittedly more than a few trips to Sizzler away from really imitating Reyes, by far the jowliest pitcher in the bigs. But here’s to trying, Jose.

Seeing that Joe Nathan had not pitched in three days and the team had an off-day on Monday, it would make perfect sense for Joe Nathan to go two innings on Sunday to get the save. “Perfect sense” and “Ron Gardenhire” are mutually exclusive terms, however – you can’t have one and the other at the same time, so Gardenhire was content with letting his middle-relievers try to blow the game themselves. Mijares came within a few feet of doing just that (the Upton hit), but Gardenhire dodged a bullet and lucked out big-time.

As a side note, I’m getting quite peeved to hear Dick Bremer continuously refer to this as the 1/3 mark of the season, and that we can just multiply the hitters’ numbers by three and that’s what they’ll be at the end of the season. This would mean that Michael Cuddyer would have 100 RBIs and 27 home runs, for instance. Dude – when does projecting numbers like that ever work out? You have to factor in variables, like Michael Cuddyer sucks, and then you might have an accurate projection for Cuddyer -- .260, 15 HR, 75 RBIs, give or take. Think of it this way – Joe Mauer’s stats for 2008, had they followed a “projection” of his stats at the end of May, would have been .315, 0 HR, 63 RBI. They were a little off, as he ended up .328, 9 HR, 85 RBI.

Props to Bert “The Homophobe” Blyleven, whose dialogue with Bremer early in the game provided me one of the most awkwardly hilarious moments I have ever heard. In response to a viewer’s question regarding the two broadcaster’s favorite players growing up, Bremer had said Bob Allison, and one of the criteria that went into that boyhood adoration was apparently that Allison was “good-looking.” I’ll try my best to replicate the following discussion.

BERT: I don’t know about good-looking.
DICK: You don’t think he was good-looking?

BERT: [dead serious] I don’t look at guys that way.
DICK: [trying to divert the conversation] Gabe Gross now at the plate for the Rays.
BERT: [dead serious] You’re being gross right now.

Twins open a short three-game homestand against the reeling Indians, who are now without Grady Sizemore for a few weeks. Kevin Slowey goes for win #8 on Tuesday in the opener, and he opposes rookie David Huff.

MAY 29, 2009 -- TAMPA BAY 5, MINNESOTA 3

The Twins go on the road for a short three-game trip to Tampa Bay and follow their early-season routine of playing terrible baseball away from the friendly confines of the Metrodome. Again they pick a team off the mat; Tampa Bay was reeling from five-straight losses (including some heartbreakers in Cleveland, a city where they haven't won in four years) and is going through a rash of injuries. The perfect team for the Rays to play are the Twins at home right about now. So far this year the Twins have been Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; pretty tough to beat at home, and pathetically abyssmal on the road.


Scott Baker, following a familiar script that he's adhered to most of this season, started strong and faltered late. The sixth inning was the fatal inning for Baker this time around, as he gave up a three-run home run to Evan Longoria three batters into the inning; this was after Michael Cuddyer had tied the game with a long home run in the top half of the inning. One of the runs was unearned due to a Joe Crede error, which certainly loomed large after the Twins came back in the eighth with two runs to cut the margin to 4-3. Baker, who had retired seven in a row going into the sixth inning, was unable to finish the inning, yet another example of the right-hander hitting the wall with a "splat."


In that eighth inning, Justin Morneau doubled to bring home Joe Mauer, who had tripled, and Morneau scored following a Longoria error. The Twins had a chance to tie the game with Cuddyer on second and one out, but both Crede and Brendan Harris struck out. The bullpen did its job in the bottom of the eighth by giving up that critical insurance run; it took a couple of pitchers to do it, but the Crain-Mijares-Guerrier triumvirate came through to effectively seal the victory for the Rays. The fifth run was driven in by a guy named Willy Aybar -- it never fails to amaze me the players that the Twins choose to let beat them.


The Twins did have a mild threat in the ninth, but it is important to note that the Twins let Matt Tolbert lead the inning off -- as if Tolbert's numbers (.194 average, .535 OPS -- Puntoesque patheticness, which is a term I'm officially coining) dictate he'll actually get on base. Brian Buscher walked when he pinch hit for Carlos Gomez -- probably the only time in big-league history that a guy hitting .183 (Buscher) pinch hit for a guy hitting .217 (Gomez) and that was the correct move. I know that you're bench sucks, Gardenhire, and you know I don't care for Seldom Young, but why not go for it? Wouldn't you use your best players? Young's terrible, but he's better than Buscher, Tolbert, and Gomez. On a side note, Joe Mauer ended the game by striking out against ex-Yankee great Randy Choate, who I assumed was long out of baseball if not dead. Randy Choate -- such an obscure reference, and a perfect guy to shut the door on the Twins and record his first major-league save.


The Twins made me giddy for two seconds when I saw that they placed Nick Punto on the 15-day disabled list after the game with that lingering groin problem that's kept him gleefully out of the lineup for the last few days. Then, of course, I saw that the Twins were replacing Punto by calling up Alexi Casilla, who interestingly might be worse than Punto. The Twins are an amazing organization -- constantly bringing up horrible Punch-and-Judy slap hitters from the minors to replace horrible Punch-and-Judy slap hitters in the majors. Amazing.