JULY 29, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, CHICAGO 2

The Twins sweep the Sox, getting a decent enough spot start from Brian Douchebag, who pitched admirably in Francisco Liriano's turn in the rotation. Alexi Casilla had two hits and two RBIs on the day that the Pirates dealt Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez (not surprisingly, neither of them went to the Twins, who desperately need middle infield help). Instead of looking for outside help, the Twins will use Wednesday's performance from Casilla to prove to their fans that he is capable of putting good wood on the ball, which is wrong on so many levels. First off, both of Casilla's hits were of the fly-ball variety, and this is a guy who should never be putting the ball in the air. How this guy got eight home runs last year is beyond me, and I don't think it's inappropriate to bring up the S-word with this guy when talking about Casilla's flukish success in 2008 (that's steroids, not...yeah, you get it; this year he's been the other S-word). Secondly, the goat of last night's game was arguably whatever Chicago coach had Scott Podsednik playing Casilla deep to center field, because Casilla's second hit was nothing more than a can-of-corn pop up to medium deep center field, and because of Podsednik's already limited range, he had no chance of catching it. So we're talking one legitimate hit and one cheeser -- but again, if you're struggling to hit .171, you'll take 'em any way you can. Nonetheless, Ron Gardenhire will point to this one two-hit performance as "proof" that Casilla can do the job. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Casilla's hitting in the #2 hole on Friday. I'm serious; we are talking about one of the stupidest men in the game, after all.


Liriano was scratched from his start on Wednesday due to "swelling in his pitching forearm." According to certifiable idiot Dick Bremer, team doctors had checked out Liriano and given him the green-light to pitch on Wednesday, and then Ron Gardenhire went ahead and gave Douchebag the start anyway. Which brings up an interesting question: why even send Liriano to the doctor? If you weren't going to listen to the doctors, why not just put him on the disabled list for the hell of it? I can just see Ron Gardenhire going to a Mexican restaurant and asking the waiter if the fajitas are better with chicken or steak, hearing that the waiter highly recommends the steak, and then saying "thanks, but I think I'll go with the fish tacos instead." Doctors, schmoctors, Gardy would say; it's not like they've been to school for decades and might have an educated opinion on a medical issue. Face it, Gardy -- you've just been too pleased with Douchebag's horrendous pitching out of the bullpen that you wanted to put him on the mound to start a game. He did report to Dick Bremer that Douchebag's bullpen outings were "fine," which if anything changes the dictionary definition of "fine," because Brian Douchebag was far from "fine." Well, if by "fine" you mean "f***ing horrible," then I s'pose, Gardy. Keep eatin' those fish tacos, Ronny Boy.


Less than 48 hours to the trading deadline, or as it's known here in the Upper Midwest as "Status Quo Day" or "Time to Spiel The Old 'We Tried to Improve Our Team But We Didn't Want to Endanger Our Future' Rigamarole Day." Seriously, the only thing I expect Bill Smith to do come midafternoon on Friday is move his bowels. The Twins already made their quasi-move when they signed Mark Grudzielanek a few weeks back, and we'll see if he even makes it on the roster before the season is up. But, as some others have said, the Twins have so many holes right now that addressing all of them would require a complete overhaul of the team. In short, the team could use two top starters, a couple good bullpen arms and a new middle infield. And the way the other real contenders are actually addressing their needs, the Twins are going to be even more mismatched if they make it to the playoffs. If the Twins were to win the Central, they would likely face the Yankees in the first round; does that sound like wins to you? The Twins fan base is going to be teased again mainly because the Central is the worst division in baseball. If the Twins were in the AL East, they'd be 10.5 games back; the AL West, 9 games back; and that's not even considering the fact that with the Twins in the Central, their schedule is so much easier because of lots of games against bottom feeders like Cleveland and Kansas City. So yeah, go out and get Orlando Cabrera, because that's going to make us be able to beat the Yankees.