SEPTEMBER 30, 2009 -- DETROIT 7, MINNESOTA 2

The Twins are now on the brink of elimination, thanks to a pitiful hitting performance off spot starter Eddie Bonine and terrible pitching by Carl Pavano. After scoring two runs off Bonine in the first on four hits, Jose Morales grounded into a double play, knocking the wind out of the Twins' sails and serving the Tigers really well. Bonine was on the ropes in the first, and had Morales delivered a hit it likely would have ended the night for the Tiger pitcher. Instead, he keeps the damage to a minimum and then watches his offense come back on Pavano and the Twins. The second inning was a classic Detroit hit parade, as Pavano gave up two singles and a walk before back breaking hits by Brandon Inge and Ramon Santiago gave the Tigers a 4-2 lead. The real nail in the coffin came in the fifth, when Magglio Ordonez cleared the gap with a double that extended the lead to 7-2 and effectively put the Twins away. For all the "good" that Pavano has given the Twins -- just listen to Bremer and Blyleven laud Pavano as if he were the second coming of Johan Santana -- he's been supremely average with the Twins, going 4-4 with a 4.50 ERA. Granted, when you have yuksters like Francisco Liriano and Glen Perkins in the rotation before Pavano came over to the Twins, you'll sure as heck take those middling numbers. But when it counted, Pavano failed miserably, and if that was his last start as a Twin, "au revoir."

The Twins' backs are officially against the wall, as they sit three games back with four to play. Thursday's game is an absolute must-win, and in all reality they need to win out while the Tigers need to win no more than one more game. In other words, the Twins have a 4% chance of winning the division, according to the ESPN number crunchers. But at the very least, their win on Tuesday clinches a winning season for the Twins, which was something that looked bleak a few weeks ago. After the season I plan on doing a season summary of the Twins and I'll express more there, but what I think is the real tragedy here is that the last two weeks are going to make the previous five and a half months seem insignificant. People are going to remember the 11-2 run and, because of that, consider the season a success, yet another example of the Twins "always being there at the end." It's that sort of thinking that needs to be re-educated, as I think the Twin Cities are the only market in the country that accepts this sort of second-place mediocrity. More to follow next week.

Photos: AP/Paul Sancya

AUGUST 17, 2009 -- TEXAS 8, MINNESOTA 5

Yet another bad start for Francisco Liriano, and after the game Ron Gardenhire announced that the young southpaw would be placed on the disabled list for a "tired arm," or technically speaking, "suck-itis," which is a disease that has plagued the pitching staff all season long. It doesn't seem like there's any real reason for Liriano to be put on the DL; if anything it may be better for his morale than if the team rightfully sent him back down to Triple-A. My guess is that the Twins are just going to shut Liriano down for the rest of the season and figure out a gameplan for how to use Liriano in 2010 -- either in the starting staff or in the bullpen. In any case, Phil Humber returns from Triple-A, in yet another example of the Twins calling up less deserving guys from Triple-A. Slama and Delaney continue to toil in the minors, and even Juan Morillo, who looked awful in a cup of coffee early in the season, has apparently righted the ship in Rochester and throws absolute gas. But Humber it is; apparently they tried to call up Kevin Mulvey but his phone went straight to voicemail and it's pointless to leave a message at that point because you know they aren't going to get the message for at least a day.


Liriano's line was a gaudy one on Monday: two innings pitched, seven hits, seven runs, two walks, a hit batter, and one strikeout. And this was after he was given a brief lead by Joe Mauer's 23rd homer of the year in the first inning. Mauer, by the way, was the only hitter it seemed that wasn't catatonic, as he collected almost half the Twins' hits (3 of their seven) and pushed his average to .380. For the third straight game, Ron Gardenhire was forced to exhaust his bullpen early, and this time Bobby Keppel came in and did a pretty good job in relief, throwing 3 1/3 shutout innings to provide a little bit of relief and allowing the Twins to get back in the game. Then Gardy had to use Jose Mijares and Matty Guerrier earlier than usual, in the fifth, sixth, and seventh innings; aside from the expected Matt Guerrier insurance run that he surrendered, those innings went fine. Then Ron Gardenhire did a very strange thing: he put in Brian Douchebag, who he had announced would (graciously) start for Anthony Swarzak on Thursday, on the mound for the eighth inning. What??? After the game, of course, Ron Gardenhire told the press that Swarzak would make the start after all because he felt forced (apparently) to use Douchebag in the eighth inning when guys like Jeff Manship, a converted starter who's thrown exactly 2 1/3 innings since being called up last week, were more than available to pitch. This was the second straight game where Ron Gardenhire made some curious moves with his pitching staff (sending in Jesse Crain in the third inning on Sunday, when the team is glutted with long relievers) and it's further proof that this man is purely bat-shit insane.


One piece of good news that did occur for the Twins on Monday was their signing of first-round pick Kyle Gibson. In classic Twins fashion, the deal went right down to the deadline, as the two sides agreed to terms about ten minutes before the midnight deadline. Gibson's a college pitcher, and this is an organization that's suddenly pitching thin, so Gibson's signing, though his impact at the major league level is a few years away at the least, is good news for the club. Hell, the Twins need to fill Liriano's spot in the rotation on Saturday -- I wonder what Gibson's up to that day? It can't be any worse than the prospect of seeing Douchebag or Phil Humber out there. And it keeps getting funnier (but sad at the same time) to hear Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven still believe that the Twins can make a run. Take a look at their starting rotation -- how on earth can teams even ponder the idea of postseason baseball when Thursday's starter comes into the eighth inning on Monday and Saturday's starter is potentially flying in from Triple-A? The acquisitions of Orlando Cabrera and Carl Pavano (Tuesday's starter) continue to be dwarfed by their divisional rivals -- the White Sox will try to plug their fifth-starter spot in the rotation by Freddy Garcia, and more importantly the Tigers addressed their biggest weakness (the lineup) by getting Aubrey Huff from Baltimore for virtually nothing (a Single-A reliever). Huff's 73 ribbies will fit in nicely in that order and make Detroit that much better come playoff time. But, hey, keep us informed on that "three-team" divisional race in the Central, Dick.

Photos: (1,2) AP/Tony Gutierrez; (3) University of Missouri Media Relations

JULY 31, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 11, MINNESOTA 5 (11 innings)

The Twins lead 5-2 going into the seventh inning and watch Nick Blackburn and the bullpen give up the last nine runs of the game, and the Angels beat the Twins at the Metrodome in a game in which the Twins needed to win. This is the type of game that competitive ballclubs do not lose, and it was fitting that on the day that the Twins continued their year-and-a-half long trend of failing to improve their bullpen via outside help, the bullpen lost the game for the Twins. Matt Guerrier came through with his first Matt Guerrier Special in months, promptly giving up the game-tying home run to the first batter he faced in the eighth inning, Mike Napoli. After Guerrier and Nathan mowed down Los Angeles through the tenth inning (and the Twins offense shut down against an Angel bullpen comprised of the likes of Justin Speier and Jason Bulger and Kevin Jepsen), Ron Gardenhire decided to lose the game in the eleventh when he started the inning with Bobby Keppel, who failed to retire a batter and took the loss. Gardenhire made sure that the Twins were pathetically embarrassed when he turned to Jesse "Gas on the Fire" Crain, who failed to retire any of the four batters he faced, and by the time R.A. Dickey completed the six-run eleventh, the Twins were supremely out of the game. Not surprising that the Twins' bullpen lost this one for the Twins, as it will doubtless be the area of the team that, again, will likely preclude the team's postseason chances.


Fans may have been clamoring for Orlando Cabrera when Brendan Harris made a fool of himself in the eleventh inning, on a play that my anger was merely supplanted by my bursting out in laughter at the sheer patheticness of Harris. With runners at first and third, Howie Kendrick, who of course is in my good graces due to his first name, grounded a ball to Harris' left. Harris hesistated and wanted to come home with the ball, but then tripped over his own feet and did a head-first digger into the turf. It was one of those plays bound to make the blooper reel, and it would be really funny if the game hadn't been on the line at that point. I don't mind that Harris wanted to throw home, seeing as that's the go-ahead run and all, but both Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven were criticizing Harris for not turning the double-play. In reality, with Jesse Crain coming into the game and not getting anybody out, it's unlikely that the Angels wouldn't have extended their lead, but Harris' gaffe no doubt opened the floodgates on a big inning. For those counting at home, that's the fourth time in the last eleven games that the Twins' pitching staff has allowed an inning of six runs or more; but hey, they didn't need another arm badly or anything.


The loss dropped the Twins back to third place, one game over .500 at 52-51. Again, to consider that the White Sox and Tigers made significant moves to improve their club's chances not to win the Central Division but to compete for the World Series, it's going to be increasingly difficult for the Twins to overcome both the Sox and Tigers. Take a second to ponder the White Sox acquisition of Jake Peavy and its inherent risk. Peavy likely won't be able to pitch for almost a month, and so in effect Chicago mortgaged a good part of their future (four pretty good pitching prospects) for, at most, five or six starts in the regular season. As Kenny Williams said, it's a move that was made in order to win a championship, and I had a sneak feeling that he meant a real championship (i.e., a World Series) rather than what the Twins have set as their goal (i.e., winning the weakest division in baseball). With Orlando Cabrera mainly being a Brendan Harris in masquerade, I have to strongly disagree with Bremer and Blyleven that the move is even a "good" move at this point. He's certainly not a player that's going to put the team over the top, and definitely he's not going to make them be able to beat the Yankees any more. And most importantly, I hope to God that Bremer is wrong when he reports that Cabrera's going to be placed in the #2 hole, but I'm pretty sure that'll happen. Ron Gardenhire likes to change things that are going right, and Joe Mauer in the #2 hole is a natural fit. As ESPN's Eric Karabell reports, Cabrera's .318 on-base percentage "should not alter" the current batting order with Mauer hitting second, and that Cabrera should be hitting low in the Twins' lineup; unfortunately Karabell doesn't know who he's dealing with with Ron Gardenhire, who's a logician's nightmare. Mauer, after all, is only hitting .398 from the #2 hole, and they've won more games with Mauer hitting there than anybody else. Why change something that's worked?

JULY 21, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, OAKLAND 2 (10 innings)

A big win for the Twins, coming back from their worst loss in twenty-five years and beating the lowly Athletics in extra innings, 3-2. The Twins and Michael Cuddyer in particular got a break on Tuesday, as Oakland outfielder Ryan Sweeney inexplicably missed Cuddyer's catchable fly ball that ended up being the game-winning triple for the Twins. Granted, it would have been a nice running catch, but did you think that Cuddyer could actually have a clutch hit that wasn't screwed up in some way by the defense? The guy thrives on cheesy hits and pour-it-on run production, and we all knew that if it were Cuddyer that gets the winning run home, it was going to have to be on a play just like that. But, whatever, the Twins will take it, as they desperately needed to pick themselves off the mat after the Oakland Disaster on Monday night. The star of the game was undoubtedly Anthony Swarzak, who surprisingly pitched like a calm and collected veteran on the mound. He made the correct adjustments against the A's, a team that had beaten Swarzak a month ago, and his strong seven inning performance kept the Twins in the game and gave them a chance to win. Thanks to a misplay by Ryan Sweeney, the Twins took advantage.

Matt Guerrier got the win for the Twins, pitching two innings of near-perfect relief. Now, I will say this -- Guerrier is having a great season, but it's as good a time as any to bring up the fact that Guerrier is still in The Doghouse. Guerrier did this last year too -- pitch well in the first half only to implode (and I mean implode) in the second half. Last season he pitched to a 3.35 ERA ERA in the first half (over 45 games) and held opponents to a .241 batting average -- stellar numbers, especially considering that he had assumed Pat Neshek's eighth-inning role in mid-May and was still learning the role. The second half, however, Guerrier went 1-5, had an 8.88 ERA and opponents teed off against Guerrier to the tune of a .336 batting average. Along with the fact that Ron Gardenhire continued stupidly to bring Guerrier into close ballgames, Guerrier was perhaps the biggest reason that the Twins missed out on the playoffs last season, so it's mainly that resentment that's still lingering to this season. Even though Guerrier's been absolutely fantastic this season -- 2.18 ERA, 5-0 record, 0.86 WHIP, .191 opponent's batting average -- my heart still skips a beat every time that he's brought into the game. If Guerrier can put together a solid season -- an entire season, and not just a good half -- he'll be out of The Doghouse, but until then, he's still under hard watch. And think of it this way -- if Guerrier doesn't give up another run for the rest of the season but the Twins don't make the playoffs, that's still one blown season that's on Guerrier's record. So the resentment will always be there.

In a pre-game interview, Ron Gardenhire suddenly turned into Ozzie Guillen for a little bit, and his comments regarding how managers should be able to throw "red flags" like coaches can in the NFL were a little embarrassing. Gardenhire actually said it best after the game on Monday, that Mike Muchlinski's call should not have mattered because the Twins did not deserve to lose. He manned up and took full responsibility for the loss (well, he didn't blame himself, and that's the real issue here, but close enough). Then Gardenhire has to give this interview, and it makes him come off quite unprofessional, whiny, and still lingering on the bad call from Monday. Added to that was the fact that Gardy's "plan" was just plain asinine. I'm still having trouble making sense of the plan, so here it is from the horses' mouth, printed in the Pioneer Press:

"You'd have to have one (challenge) an inning, just for fun," Gardenhire said. "You throw it out and they go, OK, let's go look at it. Have a guy in a box that has a red scorecard and a green one and if (the call was right) he (holds up) green, you got it right, umpire. If you were wrong, you got red. You don't even have to talk."

So the umpires wouldn't look at the play? Some dude would hold up colored placards and that's it? One challenge per inning? Do we want to play a nine-inning game in five hours? I thought Bert Blyleven said it best during Tuesday's telecast, in response to Dick Bremer (not surprisingly) calling for expanded instant replay, "Why do we even need umpires then? Why not just have machines and robots make the calls?" If you're going to expand replay to calls at home plate, then you're going to have to expand it to include calls at all the bases, and then sooner than later you're going to just have a machine call balls and strikes. It's a game played by humans that involves some amount of human error -- Ron Gardenhire is certainly a prime example of a human making many mistakes -- what should be addressed is the fact that minor-league umpires like Mike Muchlinski are simply not trained well enough for the big-leagues. Why a Triple-A ump was given the task of umpiring home plate is beyond me. Clearly Muchlinski was out of position to call the final play on Monday -- what needs to be addressed is that these umpires, whether full-time or substitute, must be adequately trained for the big-leagues. As far as replays go, yeah -- do anything except whatever Ron Gardenhire was blathering about. That's childishly stupid, Gardy.

JULY 10, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 6, CHICAGO 4

A quick write-up today, as I am planning on bicycling the Lake Wobegon Trail tomorrow morning and I am trying to get some extra rest tonight. Thankfully, the Twins won on Friday, but the truth is that they didn’t really deserve it. They happen to have a guy on their team named Joe Mauer who is a phenomenal player, and it was Mauer who bailed out his team from what would have been an especially stinging loss. They jumped on John Danks’ wildness in the first inning, scoring four runs before Danks got an out. Then Michael Cuddyer, who had just produced an RBI single, provided a major momentum shift with a few seconds of pure idiocy, when he gets picked off first base. The next pitch, Danks strikes out Joe Crede with a runner at third (still) and Danks got Seldom Young to get out of the inning with just the four runs given up. You knew at that moment that Cuddyer was picked off that the White Sox would use that bonehead play to pick themselves off the mat, and they sure did. It took them a few innings, but they tied the score off ace pitcher Nick Blackburn, and it was 4-4 when Mauer came through with a clutch two-out single off tough lefty Matt Thornton.

The run was largely created because Octavio Dotel had walked Nick Punto to open the inning, and I have to use this space to congratulate Bert Blyleven for providing a glimmer of truth on what has become a big lie-fest, the Fox Sports Net coverage of the Minnesota Twins. Dick Bremer, who might as well run for Congress with his lying ability, can’t seem to bring himself to acknowledge the fact that Nick Punto is an abysmal baseball player, but Blyleven at least has gotten his head out of his ass. He predicted that the walk may come back to haunt the White Sox considering that the .210-hitting Punto is basically a pitcher at the plate – he used that exact comparison, which needless to say tickled me. Sure enough, Punto scored what turned out to be the winning run later that inning. Bremer tried to spin it into the fact that, though Punto is hitting just about his weight, he “can draw walks,” or something like that, which I’m all for. Actually what I would suggest is that Punto rest the bat on the shoulder full-time and try to take a walk every time up, because do you see this guy take full swings? It’s practically a train wreck, what with Punto stepping into the bucket and stumbling out of the box. I’d rather watch Jesse Ventura hit a tee shot that see Punto even attempt to swing the bat it’s that bad.

Good win for the Twins, who will have a challenge to win either of the last two games of the series. Gavin Floyd damn near no-hit the Twins last year and Glen Perkins apparently had the swine flu (H1N1, sorry), so they’ll be mismatched on Saturday, and Mark Buehrle’s primed for a complete-game, 90-pitch shutout on Sunday to end the first half of the season. Oh yeah, and Scott Baker pitches that day. Good luck.

MAY 31, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, TAMPA BAY 2

The Twins snap their three-game losing streak with a victory at the Trop, with Nick Blackburn outdueling Matt Garza for a 3-2 win. It was the first save for Joe Nathan this year on the road, and he retired the Rays 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth. The bullpen did admirably – which might be the first time (and only time, perhaps) that I utter those words; it’s too bad that Ron Gardenhire’s continued overmanagement of that area of the game is yet another talking point for today. Plenty to get to in what was a pretty ugly win for the Twins, but at this point I’ll take them anyway we can get them on the road.

Carlos Gomez drove in the winning run for the Twins in the top of the seventh with a bloop hit just out of the reach of the infielders. Most of Gomez’ hits are of the cheesy variety, and Sunday’s game winner was certainly Cheddarific. My stance was that Gomez should not have batted in that situation and I still say that. You had guys on at first and third and one out – Gomez loves to fail in those situations as he fails in every situation. For how bad a hitter Gomez is, he is absolutely dreadful in situations which actually mean something. Ron Gardenhire had the best hitter in the planet on the bench – Joe Mauer – but in his infinite wisdom, Mauer needed a “complete day off,” so Gomez it was, and Gomez shockingly came through with one of the fartsiest hits I’ve ever seen. Gomez made up for it in the ninth inning, when he came to the plate in the same situation as the seventh – first and third, one out – and this time he showed his meddle by striking out pathetically. The game-winning hit may have overshadowed his first at-bat of the game, in which Gomez did something so bad that I’ll have a hard time describing it. He squared to bunt, then moved his hands up on the bat and sort of took a half-swing jab at the ball, and it rolled back pathetically to the mound. The at-bat was so bad it actually made me embarrassed to be a Twins fan. Seriously – that guy is in the major leagues? There’s no better option than someone who callously gives up their at-bats like that? Unbelievable.

Alexi Casilla is no better than Gomez, and it was Casilla who was trying to bunt for base hits most of the night. Casilla, a hitter hitting .160, was batting second in the lineup for some inexplicable reason. Batting orders aren’t rocket science, Gardenhire. You try to put the best hitters near the top, power hitters in the middle, and Punto or pitchers in the #9 hole; how does a guy hitting his weight bat second in any lineup at any level? There was Casilla on Sunday, coming up constantly with guys on base and pathetically getting out every time at the plate. When he tries to bunt for a hit (which is often) it signals to anybody watching the game that Casilla himself has no confidence in his abilities to actually get a real base hit. Ron Gardenhire hitting Casilla second – another example of the supreme stupidity of the Twins skipper.

Gardenhire’s insanity can be most easily evidenced in the management of his bullpen, and though he lucked out Sunday, it was yet another shining example of the man’s pathetic overmanaging. First, he takes out Nick Blackburn after six innings and 98 pitches – ridiculous for a guy who is basically your staff ace at this point. You’re supposed to ride your ace and have them put the team on their backs, a la Jack Morris or Frank Viola. The only thing worse than the manager taking out Blackburn after six innings is that Blackburn’s OK with it; to pitch 6 or 7 innings is the goal for a Twins pitcher at this point because of the demented approach instilled by the regime. Gardenhire has lefty Sean Henn come it to face one batter – Dioner Navarro, who has the worst OPS in the league among qualifying hitters. Navarro’s a switch hitter, and apparently Gardenhire wanted Navarro to hit right-handed against the southpaw Henn. Dude, the guy is statiscally the worst hitter in the league. He’s got numbers that suggest Puntoesque Patheticness – I don’t think it matters what side of the plate the guy hits from. Of course, Navarro tagged a hanger from Henn and the ball landed inches foul before Henn came back to get Navarro out. Gardy skipped out of the dugout and resumed the cavalcade of ridiculousness which is his bullpen. Matty Guerrier pitched un-Guerrier-like (i.e. he got batters out) and Jose Mijares held down the fort in the eighth, though not without a booming hit off the bat of B.J. Upton that almost left the building. Mijares showed some rare athleticism when he caught a pop-up that had ricocheted off of the roof; he staggered and did a digger on the mound following the catch, which had to remind Twins fans of another popular overweight Mexican, Dennys Reyes. Mijares is admittedly more than a few trips to Sizzler away from really imitating Reyes, by far the jowliest pitcher in the bigs. But here’s to trying, Jose.

Seeing that Joe Nathan had not pitched in three days and the team had an off-day on Monday, it would make perfect sense for Joe Nathan to go two innings on Sunday to get the save. “Perfect sense” and “Ron Gardenhire” are mutually exclusive terms, however – you can’t have one and the other at the same time, so Gardenhire was content with letting his middle-relievers try to blow the game themselves. Mijares came within a few feet of doing just that (the Upton hit), but Gardenhire dodged a bullet and lucked out big-time.

As a side note, I’m getting quite peeved to hear Dick Bremer continuously refer to this as the 1/3 mark of the season, and that we can just multiply the hitters’ numbers by three and that’s what they’ll be at the end of the season. This would mean that Michael Cuddyer would have 100 RBIs and 27 home runs, for instance. Dude – when does projecting numbers like that ever work out? You have to factor in variables, like Michael Cuddyer sucks, and then you might have an accurate projection for Cuddyer -- .260, 15 HR, 75 RBIs, give or take. Think of it this way – Joe Mauer’s stats for 2008, had they followed a “projection” of his stats at the end of May, would have been .315, 0 HR, 63 RBI. They were a little off, as he ended up .328, 9 HR, 85 RBI.

Props to Bert “The Homophobe” Blyleven, whose dialogue with Bremer early in the game provided me one of the most awkwardly hilarious moments I have ever heard. In response to a viewer’s question regarding the two broadcaster’s favorite players growing up, Bremer had said Bob Allison, and one of the criteria that went into that boyhood adoration was apparently that Allison was “good-looking.” I’ll try my best to replicate the following discussion.

BERT: I don’t know about good-looking.
DICK: You don’t think he was good-looking?

BERT: [dead serious] I don’t look at guys that way.
DICK: [trying to divert the conversation] Gabe Gross now at the plate for the Rays.
BERT: [dead serious] You’re being gross right now.

Twins open a short three-game homestand against the reeling Indians, who are now without Grady Sizemore for a few weeks. Kevin Slowey goes for win #8 on Tuesday in the opener, and he opposes rookie David Huff.