APRIL 12, 2010 - MINNESOTA 5, BOSTON 2

Hello folks, Hank Rickenbacher checking in. Well, my son Henry gave me and Betsy tickets to Opening Day as a birthday present, so yours truly was at the Target Field for yesterday's festivities. Before we get to the game, I thought you folks would like a "Rickenbacker Review" of the Target Field.Now let me just say, I don't know why the Twins ever left Met Stadium for a football stadium named after a hippie. What was wrong with the Met? And I remember all the hype about the Metrodome before that place opened, and look how that turned out. So when I heard all the hubbub about the Target Field after two practices, I thought, let's not put the horse before the apple cart here.

Well, I don't want to be a drain on the old parade here, but let's just say the Target Field isn't perfect. I mean, it's a nice looking park and all, and for all the tax money they spent on the place it better be. But after the drive Betsy and I were hungry enough to eat a pony, so we got in line at one of the concessions. Of course all the kids in front of us had to use their debit cards and the debit card machine wasn't working, so we waited thirty minutes just to order. What happened to good old fashioned green backs? Anyway I ordered a hot dog and they said they didn't have any hot dogs at that stand. You could've rolled me over with a feather. A baseball game, and I couldn't get a hot dog. Betsy, bless her heart, ordered us cheeseburgers, but they tried to charge us nineteen dollars for the two of them. Like heck I was paying that for two cheeseburgers, so we just left and found our seats.

Of course we had to get the seats in front of the four loudmouth Boston kids who watched about three pitches of the game total and babbled on and on with those mobile phones instead. Betsy said if I let them get to me, they'd win. Well I'm no loser, but let me just say I don't want to talk about those Boston kids anymore. Except that those punks could have used about five bars of Lifeway to clean out those mouths, good Lord, and I let 'em know it too.

Well after all that there was still a game to be played, and that’s why I made the trip down for my first game since 1981, because I have high hopes about this team. And I’ll say it was a good game for this Twins fan. Pavano pitched 6 strong innings, outdueling the Lester kid from Boston. I for one was not impressed with this “Lesser” fellow. He started his outing with a walk, and after hits by Hudson, Cuddyer, and Kubel he was down 2-0. Later, Punto turned his monthly hit into a run, and a lucky hop off the bag on a patented Mauer grounder led to another run. In the 7th Kubel hit the first moon ball in the Target Field and even landed one section from me and Betsy.

The Twinkies showed some swagger Monday which was refreshing since they usually play frightened against the Big Boys. They smacked the ball around, came inside with some pitches (though with the feminine way that Youklis kid holds the bat, I’d throw at him too), and generally acted like they were the better team. Gardenhire tested the limits of cockiness when he trotted out Brad Duensing for the 7th and then to start the 8th too! If that kid gets you three 7th inning outs against the Red Sox, you thank your lucky stripes and have a good chuckle about it later. You don’t tempt fate by sending him out there again! Thankfully the joke ended with a screaming double from one of the Beantowners, and from there it was Guerrier and Rausch to close things out.

All and all, a decent visit to the new park. I suppose I would go back, but I’ll plan on having Betsy pack some ground ham sandwiches for us, because nineteen dollars for two cheeseburgers is criminal. The Twins are back at it Wednesday at noon, Slowey vs. Lackey. Hammering Hank, signing off.

Photos: (1) & (2) - AP/Ann Heisenfelt; (3) AP/Paul Battaglia

OCTOBER 7, 2009 -- NEW YORK 7, MINNESOTA 2

Butt-kicking #1 goes pretty much as planned on Wednesday night, as Brian Duensing can't get out of the fifth inning before taking his team out of the game, and the offense can't provide that clutch hit when it needed it. This game was very much a return to a simpler time, namely May of this year, when the Yankees laid a four-game sweep at the hands of the Twins using the same formula. The Twins did get ten hits -- six of them in the first three innings -- but were 1 for 9 with runners in scoring position. One of their runs came on a passed ball, and the other due to a Michael Cuddyer single. And the Twins had a 2-0 lead in this game, but like so many contests against the Yankees, their lead was extremely short-lived. It lasted a whole three batters, as Douchebag surrendered a game-tying blast off the bat of Derek Jeter in the bottom of the third. Nick Swisher's double put the Yankees up for good in the fourth, and Hideki Matsui clocked a mammoth home run off Francisco Liriano (on the postseason roster for some reason) to put the game out of reach in the fifth.

One of the biggest plays in the game may have been in the top of the first inning, when Denard Span led the game off with a double off C.C. Sabathia. Orlando Cabrera failed in his opportunity to get Span over to third, but Span ended up on third due to a passed ball, but Joe Mauer struck out and Cuddyer flew out, giving the Yankees and everybody else watching a good idea of what was about to come. Frankly, nothing about the Twins' failing in the clutch was surprising when you know how Ron Gardenhire manages his teams against New York. As I've said before, with Gardenhire being absolutely owned by the Yankees, he's of the mindset that the Twins have to play a perfect ballgame when they play them. It's pins and needles baseball whenever the Twins face the Yanks, and that's a philosophy that probably loses more games than it would win them. Every failed opportunity is thus magnified, and momentum swings are that much more apparent. The same thing happened in the seventh inning, when the Twins were already down by four runs. They had runners on second and third with one out, but again, Span flew out weakly to the outfield, not nearly deep enough to score the run, and Cabrera struck out pathetically to end the threat. How were the Twins able to win 17 out of their last 21 ballgames? By getting clutch hitting, and that simply didn't show up on Wednesday night.

They were also driven to win the division by some pretty good starting pitching, and that, too, didn't appear to be the case with Brian Douchebag on the mound. Some people had been saying that, hey, the Yankees had never seen Duensing before, so maybe that's a good thing. What I'm struggling to understand is Ron Gardenhire's logic in starting Duensing. His regular turn in the rotation would have been last Saturday against the Royals, but Gardy pushed up both Nick Blackburn and Carl Pavano to start those two games, probably because he'd want his best pitchers to pitch in important ballgames. But then he lets Brian Duensing start the first game of the playoffs? This is a perfect example of the demented ideology that Ron Gardenhire has instilled on the team. It's more important for Gardy to win the division than to win something of real importance, say a World Series. Their goal every year is only to with the Central, and as we saw on Wednesday, the playoffs are simply "gravy" to Ron Gardenhire. That's why he couldn't care less if Duensing pitched or not -- hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Jeff Manship starts Game 3. How are games against Kansas City more important than playoff games against the Yankees? If it was up to me, I would have thrown Blackburn in Game 1 on three days' rest, and then countered with Pavano in Game 2. There's no excuse for Brian Duensing to be on the playoff roster, much less pitch the pivotal Game 1 in the playoffs. But, as we all know (and accept, which is the difficult part), mediocrity is just fine with us Minnesotans, and we're just happy to be in the playoffs. Except me -- I'd actually want to see us win a real title, and I won't accept anything less. Anything less is a tease, plain and simple.

Photos: AP/Julie Jacobson

OCTOBER 6, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 6, DETROIT 5 (12 innings)

I've got to tell you guys -- with a little salt and pepper, crow actually doesn't taste that bad. I'm more than happy to eat a little crow, however, after the Twins completed their miraculous comeback to win the Central Division title (or, as Ron Gardenhire calls it, the Holy Grail). In many ways Tuesday's tiebreaker was a whole lot like the majority of Twins games -- plenty of missed opportunities by guys that are deservedly in The Doghouse, some lucky breaks that go the Twins way, and in the end a Doghouse Denizen gets the game-winning hit. I kind of saw Alexi Casilla's game-winner coming, as he had failed to score the winning run a few innings before due to his stupidity; granted, that was on a Nick Punto sacrifice fly, and at least God has a sense of humor, or at least good sense, because Nick Punto just cannot win the biggest game of the season for the Twins. All in all, it was a whale of a game, and now they get to go to the Bronx and throw Brian Duensing to the wolves. I've heard it all been said -- "anything can happen in October" -- but a Twins win over the Yankees here would be nothing short of apocalyptic. Whatever. Go get 'em, Douchebag.

I had the pleasure (I guess) of watching most of the second half of the game at a local watering hole, and it was there that I found some startling facts out about certain Twins fans. One, that some Twins fans actually like Matt Tolbert, which I thought was damn near impossible. I thought the only reaction any person could have regarding Matt Tolbert was that he was absolute garbage on the baseball diamond. Another was that a lot of people were surprised when Matty Guerrier delivered his most timely Matt Guerrier Special of the season. I predicted Guerrier would blow the lead once Orlando Cabrera put the Twins ahead in the seventh with his home run (everybody was just going nuts over Cabrera, saying that he'd been the biggest piece of the puzzle and the key for the Twins' turnaround!) and got some knowing glances once Magglio Ordonez promptly tied it off Guerrier in the eighth. These "fans" also weren't livid when Ron Gardenhire, in his infinite wisdom, burned his bullpen by the eighth inning and had to get two innings out of Joe Nathan, then had to turn to Jesse Crain and Bobby Keppel to preserve the tie. Crain gave up the lead, and the Twins were bailed out only because Ryan Raburn lost Michael Cuddyer's liner in the lights and misplayed it for a triple. Keppel gave up the lead, too, but umpiring saved the Twins big time in the 12th. With the bases jammed, Keppel clearly grazed Brandon Inge's jersey with a pitch, but home plate umpire Randy Marsh didn't see it that way, and that turned out to be the biggest call of the game, as Inge would force out a runner at home and Gerald Laird struck out to end the inning. As always, the Twins rely on a little bit of luck, both with their ballpark and the men in blue.

I probably could go on further about the game, but let's just leave it at that. It was a terrific, exciting thriller that will go down in Metrodome lore. It's almost too bad that they have to get their butts kicked by the Yankees; if only that could be the swan song on the Teflon Treasure. As mentioned before, Duensing pitches today for the Twins at 5:07 local time, and he opposes Twins killer C.C. Sabathia. Sabathia's 13-8 with a ERA just about 3 in his career against the Twins, and he seems to pitch exceptionally better when there's something on the line. Like everybody says, anything can happen in October, and the Twins are hot. But as Tuesday's contest showed, the Twins' biggest problem remains the bottom of the order. How many times in the game did Matt Tolbert and Nick Punto come up with the game on the line? How many times did Ron Gardenhire let those two slugs hit? That will come back to haunt them against New York, mark my words.

Photos: (1)AP & Star Tribune/Brian Peterson; (2)AP/Tom Olmscheid; (3)AP/Paul Battaglia

SEPTEMBER 23, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 8, CHICAGO 6

The Twins have their hitting shoes on again in Chicago, this time sending Mark Buehrle to the showers early and fending off a late rally by the White Sox to sweep their first series on the South Side since 2006. Admittedly, it looks as if the White Sox have thrown in the towel on the season, as they didn't really appear to try a whole lot in the three games, but for the Twins, it was three games they absolutely needed to win and they came through. The Tigers pummelled the equally-half-assed-effort Cleveland Indians on Wednesday and reduced their magic number to nine, but the Twins' sweep precluded any further reduction on that number. Detroit will finish their series in Cleveland on Thursday while the Twins travel to Kansas City, where they ideally need three more wins against the suddenly hot Royals, but in reality, two wins are going to be tough to get, as Zach Greinke will finally make a start against the Twins in his Cy Young-deserving season on Sunday. As it looks now, the Twins are probably going to have to sweep the four-game series in Detroit to win the division, or at the very least take three of four and hope the White Sox play spoiler in their two remaining series against the Tigers.

Brian Duensing again pitched good enough to get the win, his fifth victory against zero defeats since he was put into the starting rotation. Disappointingly, Ron Gardenhire is still aware of Bobby Keppel's existence and it was Keppel who was called upon to put out the fire in the sixth and seventh innings with the Twins hanging on to a one-run lead. In a pennant race, those kind of moves are going to backfire on you big time; the Twins lucked out on Wednesday, as the two runs Keppel did surrender occured after the Twins had extended their lead to 8-4. Just as likely of a scenario is one in which Keppel reprises his performance in the infamous Oakland Disaster of mid-July (wouldn't you like that win back right about now?). Fortunately for the Twins, the offense was in full swing, as Nick Punto again surmounted the .230 mark with a 2 for 4 day at the plate, and even Seldom Young got three hits. Joe Mauer and Jason Kubel went a combined 1 for 7, and the Twins still managed thirteen hits -- that's a sign of an offense that's clicking. Earlier in the season the Twins could have gotten 8 hits out of their 3 and 4 hitters and still lose because guys like Nick Punto and Matt Tolbert batted like, well, themselves. If the Twins want to really make it interesting, those guys are going to have to continue to play at superhuman levels.

Photos: AP/Charles Rex Arbogast

SEPTEMBER 21, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 7, CHICAGO 0

The Twins take care of business on the South Side of Chicago, beating rookie Daniel Hudson in his first major league start 7-0. Nick Blackburn notched his third win of the second half of the season by pitching shutout ball for seven innings. The Twins spread out the offense, letting guys like Nick Punto go 2 for 2 and Orlando Cabrera 2 for 4, while their bigger stars like Joe Mauer and Jason Kubel were happy to take a lesser role in the victory. The win came with a cost, however, as Denard Span had to leave the game due to getting plunked in the head by reliever Randy Williams in the sixth inning. Just what the Twins need right about now -- they're already playing shorthanded due to the injuries to Justin Morneau and Joe Crede. If Span is forced out of the lineup for an extended period, that might prove to be more costly than the other injuries. Span's value is supremely underrated, especially considering that the second spot in the batting order has been a foreboding abyss for most of this season. Much of the production that the middle of the lineup had was made possible by Span's great season. With him out of the lineup, who bats leadoff for you? Carlos Gomez? Matt Tolbert? I don't even want to know.

With the Tigers idle, the Twins creep to two and a half games behind Detroit with a dozen games left. The Tigers' magic number remains at eleven, and they play in Cleveland for three games starting Tuesday. Monday's win was critical for the Twins, as they needed to take advantage of the obvious pitching mismatch that pitted Blackburn against a wet-behind-the-ears rookie in Hudson. Now they have to deal with Jon Danks and Mark Buehrle, two tough southpaws that the Twins have classically struggled against, and the Twins have to counter with Jeff Manship (really -- he's your best option to win?) and Brian Duensing. A sweep would be sweet, of course, but in reality a split of the last two games is all the Twins could hope for. They'll finally have to face Zach Greinke when they play Kansas City this weekend, and they need to maintain some amount of the momentum they've had when they go into Detroit next week.

On a side note, I see that the Twins and the Vikings face a potential scheduling snafu should the Twins tie the Tigers and force a one-game playoff. The Vikes play host to the Packers on Monday Night Football on the fifth of October, the Monday following the end of the regular season. The NFL won't accomodate a scheduling change in order to appease MLB, and it appears that the situation might be dire. But it confuses the hell out of me, because last season the Twins and White Sox played their one-game playoff on a Tuesday. I do remember that the Sox had to make up a game with Detroit the day before, but with the rest of the playoffs starting on Wednesday anyways, it doesn't seem like that much of a hassle to play the playoff game (if there even is one) on Tuesday. Whatever -- I just needed to say that.

SEPTEMBER 18, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, DETROIT 0

Brian Duensing gets to retain his "maiden" last name at least for one more start, as he tosses shutout ball into the seventh inning, leading the Twins to a breezy 3-0 win against the suddenly reeling Tigers. Michael Cuddyer continued his run of brilliance -- easily it's the best he's ever hit the ball in the big leagues -- with a two-run home run off Rick Porcello in the fourth inning that turned out to be the only runs necessary for Duensing and the Twins. The lead has been cut to three games over Detroit, and it's quite evident that all the pressure is on the Tigers at this point in the season. Maybe the injuries to Justin Morneau and Joe Crede inadvertently helped the Twins, as the critics (myself included) pointed to those injuries as the last straw for the Twins to come back. But considering the number the Twins have on Detroit at home, I would frankly be surprised if the Twins don't sweep this weekend. The big test for the Twins is going to be the ten-game road trip following this weekend's series. All season long the Twins have been a different team on the road, and with their track record being what it is in Chicago and with the Royals being perennial September headaches for contending teams, the Twins might be in a world of trouble even before they head to Detroit for a pivotal four-game series at Comerica. Whatever the case is, the Twins need to focus on this weekend's games first, and take care of business in their own ballpark before they head out to Chicago.


Ron Gardenhire showed a stroke of sanity by proclaiming that Jose Morales is going to be playing more regularly as a designated hitter due to his hot bat. Morales is 9 for 20 since being recalled for like the fourth time this season, which has only increased his batting average more, to a lofty .368. This kind of move (one that involves logic and common sense) is nothing short of baffling when you realize who's making the move -- King of Illogicism himself, Mr. Ron Gardenhire. Though he's sure making up for his good decision to play Morales more by doing things like put Matt Tolbert in the everyday lineup again. Look, Brendan Harris isn't going to win a Gold Glove or a batting title any time soon, but jeez, Gardy. Matt Tolbert is a horrendous excuse for a ballplayer. He's like a weak punchline to an already bad comedic set-up; in other words, he's the baseball equivalent of Rush Hour 2. But Gardenhire is literally in love with Tolbert, like touchy-feely in love, apparently, because there's no reason for that sad-sack to be playing in any baseball game anywhere. If the Twins lose the division, a big reason is probably going to be Matt Tolbert. Count on that.


Justin Verlander is a Cy Young candidate again, but the Twins have seemed to always handle him, and he goes today against Carl Pavano. I'll have to pleasure of attending today's game, as it will be the last time (most likely) that I'll be able to catch a baseball game at the Dome. I can't wait!

Photos: (1) AP/Paul Battaglia; (2) http://girllovesbaseball.blogspot.com

SEPTEMBER 16, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 7, CLEVELAND 3

The Twins take care of business against the apparently-not-even-trying-at-this-point Cleveland Indians, who don't even put up much of a fight against the Twins on Wednesday. Michael Cuddyer continued his hot run in non-pressure at-bats, going 3 for 4, with most of those hits coming with the Twins already up by four runs. Even though I like to bash on Cuddyer, he has been hitting well of late, and especially with Justin Morneau and Joe Crede out for the year (most likely), they desperately need someone to step up. The biggest casualty of the Morneau injury, it would seem, would have to be Joe Mauer, as the pitches he sees aren't going to be as good with Cuddyer protecting him as they would be with Morneau hitting behind him. That simply hasn't been the case, as Mauer has raised his batting average an astounding ten points in five games, to the cool altitude of .374. Hitting .400 seems out of reach at this point in the season, but the fact remains that this guy is simply incredible. If only the Twins could put an entire team around him.

Nick Blackburn won just his second start since Ron Gardenhire's stupendous plan of resting a sinkerball pitcher for ten days straddling the All-Star break. He's not even close to the same pitcher that he was in June for the Twins, when he was the clear-cut ace of the staff, and he's even not as good as he was last year, when he started the one-game playoff for the Twins. Blackburn's been wildly inconsistent this season and of course he's going to be a big part of the Twins' final few weeks here in 2009. With the Tigers taking care of the Royals at home on Wednesday, the Twins' gap from first place is still four and a half games, and the Tigers play on Thursday while the Twins are idle. The Twins won't be able to completely catch Detroit this weekend, but consider the three-game series against the Tigers to be make-or-break for the Twins. Following the series the Twins head on the road for a 10-game road-trip that will likely officially end any hope of postseason play, but if the Twins can sweep the Tigers this weekend, they will have a chance. The problem is, the Tigers will be sending two of their top three studs to the hill this weekend, with Rick Porcello and Justin Verlander (and Jarrod Washburn, traditionally a Twin killer). If Brian Duensing wants to remain a Duensing on this site, he'll have to pitch his heart out on Friday; if not, I fear the dreaded Douchebag moniker may have to return to the MTRC.

Photos: (1) AP/Ann Heisenfelt; (2) AP & The Canadian Press/Frank Gunn

SEPTEMBER 13, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 8, OAKLAND 0

Finally the Twins can beat the Oakland Athletics at home. It really, really shouldn't have been this hard, but considering what kind of team that the Twins have, it should not come as any surprise that they lost two out of three. This time it's Brian Duensing (I'm retiring my "Douchebag" moniker for now, as he's hardly been doucheing it up lately; rather, he's damn near been the best pitcher the Twins put out there) who gets the win, pitching shutout ball over seven innings. Scattering eight hits over those seven innings and wiggling his way out of jams, Duensing was deserving of the win, and the Twins offense finally showed up, providing most of their eight runs early against Oakland starter Gio Gonzalez. Joe Mauer had three hits, including his 27th home run of the season, and most of the lineup was clicking -- except for Joe Crede, who started his first game in three weeks in the designated hitter spot, and went Seldom Young on everybody by going 0 for 4 with four strikeouts. Glad to have you back, Joe.

Of course, with the Twins winning, the Tigers won as well, and the Twins remain five and a half games behind first-place Detroit. It's getting to that point in the season where even certifiable idiots like Dick Bremer are beginning to doubt whether or not the Twins can actually overtake Detroit. Two pathetic losses to the hands of a last-place team like the Oakland A's will make even the most gullible sap skeptical, and I think that's certainly worth noting (this coming from the same moron, Bremer, who Sunday predicted on-air that the Baltimore Orioles would be a surprise team in 2010 [stiffled laughter]). The lack of any sense of urgency on the part of the Twins is really disturbing to anyone even remotely aware of sports. Alas, the Twins do end up playing the Tigers seven times down the stretch, and especially at the Dome, the Twins seem to have their number. And acknowledging that the Twins don't have the heart to compete here when it really counts, the Tigers haven't played well at all either here in the last week. Can somebody please win this division? Dare I say a .500 record could win the Central. As far as the Twins go, what's most important this season is that they simply don't deserve any team accolades that can possibly be given them.

Photos: AP/Jim Mone

JULY 29, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, CHICAGO 2

The Twins sweep the Sox, getting a decent enough spot start from Brian Douchebag, who pitched admirably in Francisco Liriano's turn in the rotation. Alexi Casilla had two hits and two RBIs on the day that the Pirates dealt Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez (not surprisingly, neither of them went to the Twins, who desperately need middle infield help). Instead of looking for outside help, the Twins will use Wednesday's performance from Casilla to prove to their fans that he is capable of putting good wood on the ball, which is wrong on so many levels. First off, both of Casilla's hits were of the fly-ball variety, and this is a guy who should never be putting the ball in the air. How this guy got eight home runs last year is beyond me, and I don't think it's inappropriate to bring up the S-word with this guy when talking about Casilla's flukish success in 2008 (that's steroids, not...yeah, you get it; this year he's been the other S-word). Secondly, the goat of last night's game was arguably whatever Chicago coach had Scott Podsednik playing Casilla deep to center field, because Casilla's second hit was nothing more than a can-of-corn pop up to medium deep center field, and because of Podsednik's already limited range, he had no chance of catching it. So we're talking one legitimate hit and one cheeser -- but again, if you're struggling to hit .171, you'll take 'em any way you can. Nonetheless, Ron Gardenhire will point to this one two-hit performance as "proof" that Casilla can do the job. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Casilla's hitting in the #2 hole on Friday. I'm serious; we are talking about one of the stupidest men in the game, after all.


Liriano was scratched from his start on Wednesday due to "swelling in his pitching forearm." According to certifiable idiot Dick Bremer, team doctors had checked out Liriano and given him the green-light to pitch on Wednesday, and then Ron Gardenhire went ahead and gave Douchebag the start anyway. Which brings up an interesting question: why even send Liriano to the doctor? If you weren't going to listen to the doctors, why not just put him on the disabled list for the hell of it? I can just see Ron Gardenhire going to a Mexican restaurant and asking the waiter if the fajitas are better with chicken or steak, hearing that the waiter highly recommends the steak, and then saying "thanks, but I think I'll go with the fish tacos instead." Doctors, schmoctors, Gardy would say; it's not like they've been to school for decades and might have an educated opinion on a medical issue. Face it, Gardy -- you've just been too pleased with Douchebag's horrendous pitching out of the bullpen that you wanted to put him on the mound to start a game. He did report to Dick Bremer that Douchebag's bullpen outings were "fine," which if anything changes the dictionary definition of "fine," because Brian Douchebag was far from "fine." Well, if by "fine" you mean "f***ing horrible," then I s'pose, Gardy. Keep eatin' those fish tacos, Ronny Boy.


Less than 48 hours to the trading deadline, or as it's known here in the Upper Midwest as "Status Quo Day" or "Time to Spiel The Old 'We Tried to Improve Our Team But We Didn't Want to Endanger Our Future' Rigamarole Day." Seriously, the only thing I expect Bill Smith to do come midafternoon on Friday is move his bowels. The Twins already made their quasi-move when they signed Mark Grudzielanek a few weeks back, and we'll see if he even makes it on the roster before the season is up. But, as some others have said, the Twins have so many holes right now that addressing all of them would require a complete overhaul of the team. In short, the team could use two top starters, a couple good bullpen arms and a new middle infield. And the way the other real contenders are actually addressing their needs, the Twins are going to be even more mismatched if they make it to the playoffs. If the Twins were to win the Central, they would likely face the Yankees in the first round; does that sound like wins to you? The Twins fan base is going to be teased again mainly because the Central is the worst division in baseball. If the Twins were in the AL East, they'd be 10.5 games back; the AL West, 9 games back; and that's not even considering the fact that with the Twins in the Central, their schedule is so much easier because of lots of games against bottom feeders like Cleveland and Kansas City. So yeah, go out and get Orlando Cabrera, because that's going to make us be able to beat the Yankees.

JULY 24, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 6, MINNESOTA 3

Another inconsistent start for Francisco Liriano, as he pitches decent but gives up three home runs -- a solo shot to Jeff Mathis (he of the Puntoesque batting average of .197), a two-run home run to part-timer and ex-Gopher Robb Quinlan (his 25th career home run in seven seasons) and a back-breaking three-run home run to Mike Napoli, who won the game with a double the game earlier. It was especially disappointing considering the fact that the Twins desperately needed a good start from Liriano to save the bullpen if nothing else. After Glen Perkins went one pathetic inning against Oakland on Wednesday and Scott Baker amassed a huge pitch count on Thursday and had to leave after five innings, the Twins were counting on Liriano to pitch deep in the game. But the Twins have been counting on Liriano to pitch well all season, and he has just not stepped up to the plate at all. He's only had maybe one instance where Liriano pitched well in two consecutive starts; for the most part, Liriano's been bad with patches of brilliance. It's the kind of recipe that would make for a pretty successful relief pitcher, and it really makes sense to move him to the bullpen when you consider what the Twins have out there currently. But Ron Gardenhire stupidly believes in Liriano, and this crap will continue for the rest of the year. The loss drops Liriano to 4-10 and he's also the owner of a dismal ERA of 5.56. As long as Ron Gardenhire keeps going to Liriano every fifth day, he's easily going to lose fifteen games, with a good chance to lose a few more after that. Pathetic.

According to Dick Bremer, Ron Gardenhire has moved Joe Mauer into the #2 hole "at least in the short term, permanently." First off, what the hell does that mean? It's either permanent or in the short term, there, brainiac. In all fairness, I'm not sure which idiot has the information wrong -- Gardy or Bremer. A pipeline of information like that is something that I cringe at, but any way that it goes, we know that that info's going to be worthless however you interpret it. It's kind of like when Bremer reported that Gardenhire had commented that reliever Brian Duensing (5.82 ERA) was doing "fine." Whaaaaaaat? If that's "fine," I'm scared of what your opinion of "good" is -- well, we kind of already know, since Nick Punto has the best job security on the planet, as even the jaws of life couldn't pry Punto from the starting lineup. Getting back to the #2 hole controversy, Gardy claimed he did this earlier in the season to, in May, when the season could still be salvaged. Let's just put this into perspective; Ron Gardenhire waited until July 24 -- 97 games into the season -- to address the weakest part in his batting order. He gave Alexi Casilla three separate occasions, Matt Tolbert way too many opportunities, and it got so bad that he put Nick Punto there earlier in the road trip. I'm shaking my head just thinking about that stupidity. The higher you hit in the lineup, the more at-bats you're going to eventually get during the season. Why any person -- baseball person or not -- would hit a guy hitting in the .160s over a two-time batting champion is absolutely beyond me. Casilla, by the way, went 0 for 3 again, putting him at 3 for 29 since being recalled from the minors again. It's incredible how each time that Casilla has been called up, he's been miraculously worse every single time. And Nick Punto, who had a three-hit game in Texas last week that apparently prompted Gardenhire to bat him second in Oakland, has exactly one hit since then, going an incredible 1 for 17, dropping his average to a .202 average that is, well, Puntoesque. Mauer, by the way, went 2 for 4 with 2 home runs hitting out of the #2 spot on Friday.

JULY 20, 2009 -- OAKLAND 14, MINNESOTA 13

Buckle up, folks. This one's going to be a long one.

Many people might come here and expect a nice long rant on how home plate umpire Mike Muchlinski blew the call at home to end the game, calling out Michael Cuddyer trying to score from second base on a wild pitch. And let's get it straight -- Cuddyer was very safe; it really wasn't close at all. Muchlinski's horrible call cannot go unnoticed, as it probably is one of the worst, most gutless calls I've ever seen in my life. But the fact remains is this -- to cry over a bad call in the ninth inning in a game in which the Twins led by ten freaking runs is not the correct emotion to cling to. This was a game so classically Gardenhire-esque and so pathetic and yet so predictable that Muchlinski probably made the right call. The Twins had no business even being close in this game. They were as far from deserving to win on Monday as any team in the history of major league baseball. This is the real Twins, folks. These players and this manager -- these pathetic excuses for baseball people are what we stress out over for six months of the year.

OK -- you don't call yourself a competitive team -- no, scratch that; you don't call yourself a major-league team if you're losing games in which you were leading the second worst team in the American League by TEN runs. This is a mockery of the game to lose a game like this. A mockery of the game. The sad part about it is that a lot of people will forget how pathetic the Twins actually were and remember only Muchlinski's bonehead call. We need not to forget about such games -- that's Ron Gardenhire's awesome idea, to just forget about it and move on. No -- we need to examine how games like this get out of hand so it never, EVER happens again. Ron Gardenhire needs to look at his own managerial style and see how this game was lost well before it even began. I'm sorry -- in a game in which you have a ten run lead and you lose, it's not all on the players. A lot of the blame must be thrown on the manager here, and this was one of the worst managed games I've ever been a witness to. Quite often here at the MTRC, I tend to overplay my hatred for Ron Gardenhire and I might be a little harsh on him at times. But it's these kind of performances that just reaffirm Gardenhire's status as truly one of the worst in-game managers in the game. It's absolutely cuckoo to me how this man can sleep at night.

Gardenhire's first folly: deciding (whenever it was) that his staff ace, sinkerballer Nick Blackburn should get nine days between starts, giving some bullshit excuse like "he's worked a lot of innings in the first half of the season." That's ridiculous right off the bat, because Blackburn's been your ace in the season and you ride your best pitcher, not give him nine days off and throw off his rythym. More importantly, it doesn't take a lifelong baseball fan to know that nine days between starts for a sinkerball pitcher would tend to make Blackburn a little too strong for his start on Monday, thereby putting too much force on the sinkerball and straightening it out. I was curious why Blackburn was skipped on Friday when he should have started, and to hear that Blackburn's workload was perhaps a little "taxing" in the first half of the season was pure Gardenhire blather that makes little to no logical sense. Not surprisingly, Blackburn put forth his worst performance of the season, giving up thirteen hits and seven runs in five innings of work. But when you get a week and a half between starts, that's only going to screw with the winning rythym he had set in the first half. Good one, Gardy.

Then the bullpen. I had to do a double take last night when I heard Ron Gardenhire's post-game comments (usually I don't, but I had to see what he was going to say after this one). I don't have the exact quote, but Gardenhire said something like, "You're used to seeing this happen to the other team and not ours," referring to a bullpen meltdown. Ah--whaaaaat? Does the year 2008 mean anything to you? Remember when you brought Matt Guerrier in every freaking game to blow leads and lose games down the stretch? Apparently this has all been taken care of thanks to Ron Gardenhire's patented GARDY 2K8 Amnesia Therapy, and it's another reason why forgetting about what didn't work at one time is a terrible philosophy not only to manage a baseball team but life in general. It's one thing that Ron Gardenhire's a terrible manager, but it's even worse when he goes Last Year at Marienbad on us all. Good managers have the ability to adapt, and acknowledge what didn't work once and try a different approach. Monday's game and his bullpen management was predictably bad, but I still can't figure out the logic behind any of it.

1) He brings in Brian Douchebag in the sixth inning. Douchebag was apparently Gardenhire's bridge from Blackburn to the eighth inning, which makes zero sense considering Duensing had pitched in Sunday's game (and took the loss). Douchebag's sixth inning was a struggle, as he allowed the first two batters to reach before being bailed out by a double-play ball. You'd think after Douchebag struggled so mightily in the sixth inning that Ron Gardenhire would come to his senses. Why he didn't go to R.A. Dickey in the sixth and the seventh is beyond me; Dickey had pitched Sunday too, but only threw six pitches, and hadn't pitched for eight days prior to that. Besides, he's the staff junkballer and you've boasted the fact that Dickey can give you four innings each night. But there was Douchebag on the mound for the seventh, and the same scenario unfolded: this time the first three batters reached, and then Ron Gardenhire waddled out to the mound to make a pitching change.

2) We were all waiting in steep anticipation for the Bobby Keppel Meltdown. What we were waiting for is the most pathetic opportunity for that to happen, and when Keppel was called on to "extinguish" the situation on Monday, I knew that Keppel was giving up the lead like nothing else in the world. If I were in Las Vegas, I would have made a killing on that, because that is the perfect situation for this career 7+ ERA wash-up never-even-has-been to finally implode. Why this guy was even called up from the minors when stud prospects like Anthony Slama and Rob Delaney continue to post impressive numbers still confuses me. Of course, with Ron Gardenhire, all you have to give him is two or three good outings out of the bullpen and you are then called on to blow games on a regular basis, and after Monday, we'll probably get to see a few more Bobby Keppel Meltdowns before that whole experiment officially goes kaput. It was pretty quick with Keppel -- bloop double, walk, and game-tying grand slam -- and in came Jose Mijares to give up the game-winning home run on the first pitch he threw to Jack Cust.

3) Then there's the situation in the top of the eighth inning. Joe Mauer had been given the night off, apparently because he's been struggling of late, but now with the Twins behind on the scoreboard, now Ron Gardenhire had the luxury of having the best hitter in the American League on his bench, and he could use him in a number of favorable situations. Brendan Harris led off the eighth with a single off reliever Brad Ziegler, and Mike Redmond strode to the plate. I figured that Gardenhire was going to save Mauer for the ninth inning or, if Redmond can at least move Harris to second base, pinch hit in the eighth inning for Alexi Casilla. Gardenhire had already dug himself a hole when he used Nick Punto in the #2 hole, and with Casilla also playing, the Twins had two sore thumbs in the batting order, but at least they had their ace in the hole in Joe Mauer (Casilla and Punto, by the way, went a combined 0 for 8, with two strikeouts and five pop-ups -- again, how long does it take Mark Grudzielanek to get into game shape?). Redmond's bunt attempts (he hadn't sacrificed in over three years, by the way) were for naught, and you had the sneak feeling that Redmond better strike out, because if he puts the ball in play, he's going to hit into a double play. Well, that's exactly what happened. With two out and nobody on base, up strode Joe Mauer to pinch hit for Casilla. This one I still can't fathom the logic behind. What are you doing, Ron Gardenhire? In essence, he wastes Mauer -- what, does he think he's going to hit a home run? Compounded on that was the fact that Mauer took over for Redmond behind the plate in the bottom of the eighth. So instead of pinch hitting Mauer for Redmond -- which is the logical move if you're planning on putting Mauer at catcher anyway -- Gardenhire uses his best hitter in a meaningless spot and lets Mike Redmond take their team out of the inning a batter before. With two out and nobody on, I'd might as well let Alexi Casilla make the third out of that inning and save Mauer for the ninth, because you have Nick Punto in the #2 hole that you need a pinch hitter for, too. As it turned out, Gardenhire had to use Brian Buscher, his other pinch-hitting option, at third to take over Redmond's spot in the lineup, and Punto had to hit in the ninth. Basically, with that beyond-stupid move, Gardenhire made three outs with one move -- Redmond made two outs when he should have been pinch-hit for, and Punto struck out because Gardenhire pinch hit Mauer in the wrong place and had to waste his other pinch-hitting option for defense. Absolutely demented managing.

Well, I'm done with this one. For all those out there who still think this team is competitive and can win this division, I hope you can look at this game and see who the real Minnesota Twins are. And the fact is, this has been the team all along. They've been masquerading as a .500 club up to this point, and all it takes is one West Coast classic like this one to prove to everyone that the Twins aren't going anywhere this season and as long as Ron Gardenhire manages this bunch of clowns, they'll never do anything.

JULY 11, 2009 -- CHICAGO 8, MINNESOTA 7

The Twins return to form on Saturday, getting a vomit-inducing start from Glen Perkins, who looked like he was still sick when he was on the mound. All I can hope from Perkins is that he was smart and considerate enough not to spread that crap to the rest of the team, because whatever he had had a small touch of suck-itis on the side. Perkins excelled at his game plan, which is to take his team out of the game as soon as humanly possible, and he did that in spades. The Twins were down by three after two innings, and then fell into a 5-0 deficit before Perkins finally gave way to R.A. Dickey, who showed signs of his early-season horridness by giving up what would eventually turn out to be the winning runs of the game. Actually the last three runs were a tandem effort, as Dickey walked the bases loaded in the sixth and then Brian Douchebag (aka Duensing) did his best Sean Henn impression when he gave up a bases-clearing double to the first batter he faced, Jim Thome. Duensing’s been absolutely dreadful so far in his audition for the Twins, who continue to fill their major holes in the bullpen with minor-league washups, retreads, and non-prospects. Either get Slama or Delaney up here ASAP or trade for somebody – or watch as you finish in third place, out of first place by a double-digit deficit. It’s your choice, Bill Smith.

The Twins would make it close thanks to a couple home runs from ex-White Sock Joe Crede and had a chance to tie it in the ninth after Jose Morales cut the gap to one run when he hit a two-run single off Bobby Jenks. Brian Buscher represented the tying run at second base, but then Denard Span grounded into a terrible double play to end the game, and that was all she wrote. Two-out hitting killed the Twins again, both giving up two-out hits to Chicago and then failing at clutch hitting when they were taking their hacks. I don’t believe there is a stat out there that collects a sort of two-out hitting differential (take the Twins’ batting average with two-outs and subtract their pitcher’s opponents batting average with two outs) but if there was, I would imagine that the Twins’ would be brutal. Last year’s success has proven to be an aberration; remember when the 2008 Twins led the world with batting average with runners in scoring position? Yeah, that was a fluke, and they’ve displayed their real talent for clutch hitting this year. On Saturday, the Twins were giving up two-out hits left and right, twice giving up run-scoring hits to Brian Anderson with two out in an inning. Okay, you don’t give up hits to Brian Anderson, much less big ones. Another example of the sore thumb of an opponent’s lineup coming back to bite you in the ass. Meanwhile, the Twins went 2 for 8 with runners in scoring position (the White Sox went 5 for 19 – nineteen at-bats with guys on base just tells you how effective Perkins and company were Saturday). The 7-8-9 hitters for the White Sox (Jayson Nix, Gordon Beckham, and Anderson) went a combined 7 for 13 – it’s the second time this homestand that the bottom third of the opponent’s order has been the reason that the Twins have lost – that’s just pathetic.

I have the great opportunity to attend today’s Twins game, but when I looked at the pitching match-up – Mark Buehrle against Scott Baker – frankly I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be seeing a White Sox victory Sunday. Buehrle is just so nasty on the Twins and Baker is just so terrible against everyone that I don’t expect the Twins to pull it out today. But I hope that my expectations are wrong and that I see a victory.