JULY 9, 2009 -- NEW YORK 6, MINNESOTA 4

Well, the Twins did it. They were swept in the season series against the Yankees, losing all seven games, including this humiliating three game sweep at your home stadium. Remember all that so-called "momentum" that the Twins had built prior to the Yankees series, winning four consecutive series and narrowing the Tigers' lead over the Twins to two games? Well, that's all gone, as the Twins find themselves at .500, four games out and in third place. With one swift kick to the nuts, the Yankees have brought the Twins down to where they belong, and Thursday's game was more of a mockery of the game of baseball than anything else. What was the difference in the game, you ask? Two at-bats by the Yankees' sore thumb in the lineup -- third baseman Cody Ransom, who came into the game the proud owner of statistics so bad that they remind people of a certain Puntoesque Patheticness. Francisco Liriano walked Ransom with the bases loaded in the three-run second inning, after getting ahead of him 0-2 in the count. Then in the fourth inning, Ransom singled in a run, thereby providing the two runs that turned out to be the difference in the ballgame. Throughout the seven pathetic losses to the Yankees, the Twins were not beaten by Mark Teixeira and A-Rod and Jeter -- it was because of consistent, embarrassing production from the Cody Ransoms and Brett Gardners and Francisco Cervellis that made the difference.


The Twins' made a rash of mistakes on Thursday and quite frankly they had no business being close. Matt Tolbert was batting second and playing second -- all I have to say about that is What??!! and Why??!?!!! Sure as shit, Tolbert makes the key gaffe in the game -- making an error that led to all three runs scoring in the second inning. It's too bad, too, that everyone knew that Tolbert couldn't get those runs back at the plate, because, like everyone in the league is quickly learning, he is absolutely atrocious with the stick. It was around the first Yankee series that Ron Gardenhire first got his head out of his ass and stopped batting the .170-hitting Tolbert in the two hole, but apparently Gardenhire's missed the view of his own intenstines, so there was Tolbert protecting, or rather doing a bad impression of protecting, Joe Mauer in the batting order. Tolbert was able to drive in the run the only possible way he can, by walking with the bases loaded in the fourth inning. Still, the three runs that his error led to in the second inning was enough for the Yankees to beat the Twins again, and once again Twins fans are left scratching their heads, wondering why the hell this horrid excuse for a ballplayer is on a major league roster. Frankly I doubt whether the Kansas City Royals or the Washington Nationals could make good use of Tolbert on their teams -- but for Ron Gardenhire, if you can "hustle," you've got it made in the shade.


Nick Punto is such a terrible -- you know what? I'm just going to save my breath on Punto. We all know what to expect from Punto -- a talentless, vomit-inducing, worthless human being who does absolutely nothing positive for a ballclub. There he was on Thursday, going 0 for 4, dropping his average to an abysmal .211, including striking out with the bases loaded and one out in the fourth. Without question, Punto is the worst ball player I've ever seen, and I'm just going to end it at that.

And what the hell was Justin Morneau thinking in the bottom of the seventh inning? Michael Cuddyer was up, primed to strike out in another clutch situation (representing the tying run), but he never got that chance because Morneau stupidly tried to advance to second on a pitch in the dirt. Jorge Posada picked the ball up and easily threw out Morneau. Factor in Francisco Liriano's horrible pitching performance -- falling behind hitters consistently, throwing forty pitches in the second inning alone, and not appearing to be confident at all with any of his pitches, and the Twins failed at every aspect of the game on Thursday -- pitching, hitting, fielding, and baserunning. Add that to the fact that Ron Gardenhire can't manage to save his life, and that's a great recipe for losing. It's a recipe that Ron Gardenhire has down by heart, in fact, and it especially is used whenever the Twins face the Yankees. Astonishingly, it's the third season out of eight for Ron Gardenhire that the Yankees have swept the Twins in a season series. It happened in Gardy's first two seasons (2002 and 2003) and now it again happens this season. It also makes it two seasons in a row that the Twins have gotten swept in a season series (last year they went 0-6 against the Toronto Blue Jays). For his career, Ron Gardenhire is an amazingly pathetic 16-47 against the Yankees in his career, including, of course, the playoffs. That's head-shakingly terrible, but it's understandable when you realize that he's imparting a certain style of baseball that he believes needs to be played to beat the Yankees. It's classic Ron Gardenhire pins-and-needles baseball, where everyone's afraid to make a mistake. As we've seen time and again, if you are nervous about making a mistake, you're going to make one sooner or later, and good teams like the Yankees pounce on those chances and win games because of them.


Now the Twins have to face the high-flying Chicago White Sox, who have been hitting the cover off the ball of late. The Twins should be grateful that Glen Perkins' "illness" will push him back to Saturday, because they desperately need their ace, Nick Blackburn, to stop the bleeding. Considering the Twins face All-Star and perennial Twin killer Mark Buehrle on Sunday, the Twins need to win on Friday, and it's the kind of game that they need their ace pitcher to provide the stabilizing force and avert a losing streak going into the All-Star Break. John Danks, hero of the one-game playoff last season, will pitch for the Pale Hose.

JULY 7, 2009 -- NEW YORK 10, MINNESOTA 2

An absolutely humbling ass-kicking by the Yankees leaves the Minnesota Scaredy-Cats reeling. Sure, it's only one game, but to lose at home by such a margin to any team is not what you're looking for from a "competing" team. Again, it's Ron Gardenhire "motivating" his players to play the Yankees -- which doubtless includes scare tactics, psychological terror, and perhaps even death threats. Gardenhire might even pop in an old VHS copy of The Deer Hunter and fast forward to that whole Russian Roulette thing before the Twins play the Yankees, because it's getting to that level of absolute ridiculousness. The games are pretty much over before they even start, and when you have a starting pitcher like Scott Baker throw 86 pitches and get nine people out, you're not going to have much of a chance to win. Couple that patheticness with the fact that the Yankees had C.C. Sabathia on the mound, and by the third inning, the Twins were done. Stick a fork in them, they are done.

The Yankees are the team that has introduced this audience to the idea of sore-thumbs getting key hits, and Tuesday was no exception. The bottom three in the Yankee lineup -- Robinson Cano, Brett Gardner, and Francisco Cervelli -- went an astonishing 7 for 14 against Baker, Brian Duensing, and R.A. Dickey. Hell, even Gardner and Cervelli alone had more hits combined than the entire Twins lineup. If you want to have a chance at beating the Yankees, guys like Francisco Cervelli -- maybe the only guy that the average fan goes, "Who?" when he looks at the lineup -- need to be retired. The only reason I know who the hell Francisco Cervelli is is that the Twins did this last time they faced the Yankees, in that nightmarish four-game sweep in the Bronx. The Twins were giving up clutch hits to Cervelli then and they do it again on Tuesday at the Metrodome. What was really bad about the Twins is not that they gave up sixteen hits to the Yankees -- that's almost a given nowadays when the Twins play the Yanks. It was the seven walks that they surrendered that was the real back-breaker. Case in point, the fourth inning. Baker gave up a single and two walks to load the bases before leaving the game with zero outs in the fourth. Brian Douchebag came into the game, allowed a pop-out and a sacrifice fly and appeared to be working out of the jam by giving up only one run. Then he walked two guys in a row, the second free pass bringing in a run. After the fifth run scored, it was pretty much a sealed deal that the Yankees won the game. It didn't help that the vaunted combo of Duensing and R.A. Dickey imploded in the sixth, when the Yankees scored five more runs to make the game a laugher.

The Twins' first run was driven in by Michael Cuddyer on a -- wait for it, wait for it -- solo home run (!!!) in the second inning. This seems to be the only way this guy does anything at the plate. I was talking to a friend who happens to be a Brewers fan the other day and I had mentioned my frustrations at Cuddyer, who is dangerously close to being in The Doghouse. He looked at Cuddyer's stats and wondered why I had it out for him, and then I had to explain the method to Cuddyer's madness. It was the same with Torii Hunter when he played here (though Hunter was a much more beloved player, something I'll never understand. The guy never had a clutch hit in his entire career, but he made great defensive plays. I just goes to show you that it's not the long ball that the chicks dig but the defensive plays -- Carlos Gomez is a horrendous offensive player but people are fans of him because he can make a diving catch. People like Hunter and Gomez can consistently wilt in the clutch at the plate but because they can cover some ground in the outfield, they've got in made in the shade, complete with a mega-million-dollar contract). Cuddyer's production is based mainly on tacking on meaningless runs in blowout wins or by hitting homeruns when the team is down by a ton. The two best games for Cuddyer were back-to-back games in late May, when he had four hits in two straight games, one of which was a cycle. The Twins won those games 20-1 and 11-3. Nine of Cuddyer's 14 home runs are of the solo variety, and not many of his home runs have really factored in a game (I'd say two or three). Yeah, he might have "good" numbers at the end of the season, but can anyone remember a clutch hit that this guy's ever had? By clutch I mean a two-out hit that either ties the game or puts the team ahead late in the ballgame (seventh inning and later). I'll be delighted to hear from anyone who can remember such an instance.

Now the Scaredy Cats have to face A.J. Burnett, who's been pitching very well as of late for the Bombers. Burnett's one of those guys that can be simply overpowering at times, and we all know what the Twins like to do against those guys (namely, nothing). Soft-tosser Glen Perkins goes for the Twins -- the last time Perkins faced New York, he didn't make it out of the first inning, and he had to go on the disabled list with suckitis after the game it was so bad.

JUNE 7, 2009 -- SEATTLE 4, MINNESOTA 2

The Twins, not surprisingly, lose two out of three to the Mariners, as Eric Bedard finally beats the Twins for the first time in his career, and Kevin Slowey puts forth a subpar start and drops to 8-2 on the season. Slowey gave up three home runs to the Mariners in 4-2/3 innings, one each to Russell Branyan, Jose Lopez, and, unacceptably, Jamie Burke, a career minor-leaguer who was just called up earlier in the day. Here's a guy, Burke, who's 37 years old and has only 350 major league atbats in his whole career, with now three home runs. He came into the game hitting .077 (1 for 13) on the season, and Slowey picks this guy to beat him. This gets back to my idea of the sore thumbs of an opponents' lineup -- in order to have a chance of winning, you need to get the guys in the lineup that are so bad that they stick out like sore thumbs. If ever there was a sore thumb in a lineup (and Seattle has plenty) Jamie Burke's the guy. He's got two claims to fame in his spotty major league career: 1) he was bowled over at the plate by Torii Hunter when he was with the White Sox and 2) he lost a game while pitching for the Mariners last year in a 15-inning game. But, hey, I suppose the guy's a career .280 hitter (in the minors). But there's no good reason to give up hits to people like Jamie Burke, much less home runs. Absolutely ridiculous.

Speaking of sore thumbs, Michael Cuddyer has become quite literally a sore thumb in the Twins lineup, or to be more precise, a sore forefinger. Cuddyer missed a few games because of swelling in the finger, and for some reason was not put on the DL. He played in Saturday's game and looked Cuddyeresque (i.e. pathetic) and then there he was again in the lineup Sunday, even after Cuddyer said the finger swelled again. It looked obvious, as Cuddyer was unable to wrap the finger around the bat. Great -- that's all we need. Look, Cuddyer, you suck with ten fingers; with this swelled index finger you're basically as good as a nine-fingered frog. Do the team a favor and go on the disabled list. For one thing, we as fans won't have to see pathetic strikeouts like the one you did in your first at-bat Sunday.

Cuddyer aside, the rest of the team did not perform Sunday at the plate, nor for the entire series for that matter. The 1-2-3 hitters in the lineup went a combined 5 for 35 in the series (.143). In the three games, the Twins went 2 for 24 with zero hits to the outfield and zero RBIs with runners in scoring position in the series -- you're not going to score many runs ever if that's the case. Alexi Casilla came to the plate with runners on base all day long and he choked all day long. I'd like to give Casilla a new nickname a la Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson, who uses All Day AP as his sobriquet. It's All Day AC -- meaning Alexi Casilla chokes all day long. It's pretty bad when Brendan Harris, an admirable player but by no means great, is carrying your lineup. Harris' hitting streak stretched to twelve games, and with Nick Punto due to come off the DL on Friday, it will be interesting to see whether Gardenhire benches Harris in the midst of a hitting streak in favor of the perennial rally killer Punto. And for how bad the Twins looked this weekend, it's not like this is a surprising streak of baseball -- remember the series last month against the Yankees? The Twins couldn't buy a clutch hit that weekend, and that same horror show was on display in Seattle this weekend.

The Twins on the road, I believe, are the real version of this team. They aren't underperforming on the road, as spinners like Dick Bremer would posit, but they're overperforming at home, plain and simple. I love it when Bremer keeps the fans posted as to the status of the other teams in the division, as if the pennant race is already in full swing. It's June, dipshit, and the Twins aren't even at .500. Put it this way -- the Cincinnati Reds have a better record than the Twins do right now. These Mariners, who lost 100 games last season, have a better mark than the Twins do. With the June schedule being road-heavy, this might be the part of the schedule that sinks the team's chances. Though the Central Divison is certainly winnable, it appears that the Tigers are poised to run away with it, and I like their chances. They've got three pitchers right now on the top of their game that is comparable to any top three starters in the league (Jackson-Verlander-Porcello) and their lineup is certainly potent, with Cabrera and Ordonez et al. Don't forget that the Tigers arguably have the best manager in the league (Jim Leyland) and could get Jeremy Bonderman back from injury. You heard it hear, folks: the Twins are in trouble.

The Magical Mystery Tour which is this ten-game road trip continues tonight in Oakland, where the Twins haven't been successful of late. The A's are a young team that features a lefty-heavy pitching staff, which will spell doom for the Twins. And it doesn't hurt that the Athletics come into tonight with a six-game winning streak. Two rookies battle each other tonight: Anthony Swarzak for the Twins, and Josh Outman for the A's.

MAY 25, 2009 -- BOSTON 6, MINNESOTA 5

The Twins cannot continue their winning ways against the Red Sox, who have resorted to benching the slumping David Ortiz. A 6-5 loss that was very winnable, Ron Gardenhire pretty much lost the game when he turned in his batting order to the umpires before the game. It's pretty surprising to consider the Twins got five runs out of the order that they started the game with -- Carlos Gomez leading off, Matt Tolbert second, Mike Redmond instead of Joe Mauer, Delmon Young reminding us how bad of a hitter he is, Brian Buscher lowering his batting average even more, and Nick Punto being Nick Punto. Squeezing five runs out of that lineup is a godsend, but of course, Francisco Liriano and the rest of the pitching staff had to give up six to a lighter-than-usual Red Sox order. Some major things to get here, so in we go.


Let's start with Liriano, who has been decidedly underwhelming on the mound this season. Only three of his starts have been decent, and most of the time his demand of his pitches is erratic. He walks far too many hitters and his slider that was so dominant in 2006 seems to fade quickly. With Glen Perkins on the disabled list and Anthony Swarzak pitching well in his major-league debut, there might be six pitchers right now battling for five spots in the rotation. Blackburn and Slowey have locks on their spots, and Scott Baker's contract dictates he has a firm grip on his spot. Perkins shined early in the season before imploding quickly, and Swarzak's stuff is certainly big-league material. Here's my suggestion, which may come as quite a surprise to some readers: move Liriano to the bullpen.

I say this for a few reasons. Most importantly, the bullpen is the Achilles heel of the team and the front office has been very reluctant (stupid, really) in addressing that weakness. The Twins have always prefered in-house replacements to acquiring outside help, and Liriano fits that mold. With his stuff, Liriano doesn't need to be just a lefty specialist but, like Eddie Guardado in his prime, could get batters out from both sides of the plate. The numbers suggest that the move could really help the team, too. The first trip through the batting order is hitting under .200 against Liriano, and the batting average really climbs the more that hitters see Liriano. That type of statistic obviously favors short relievers. Another reason to put Liriano in the bullpen is that he really has never had nine-inning stuff. He's never had a complete game in his big-league career and has never exceeded 121 innings in a major-league season. He's had a well-documented history of arm trouble; by putting him in the 'pen, you not only vastly improve your bullpen and your ballclub, but you save his arm and perhaps a few years of his career.


R.A. Dickey did an admirable job of relief, but as usual, the bullpen did just enough on Monday to provide the cushion for the Red Sox to win. The only run that Dickey surrendered was on a home run to Jeff Bailey, one of the sore thumbs of the Red Sox batting order that you need to get out. It's the second time this season that Bailey has went yard against the Twins, which is absolutely ridiculous. Bailey is hitting .197 on the season, and it was his home run that turned out to be the winning run of the game. With Big Papi on the bench, the Red Sox' lineup was not as dangerous as it had been in years previous. They still found a way to get sixteen hits, including four hits by the over-the-hill Mike Lowell. And Gardenhire was at it again in the ninth by bringing in Luis Ayala, who promptly put the Twins in a first-and-third, one out situation. Sean Henn bailed the team out by not allowing the runners to score, which made it still possible for the Twins to come back in the ninth, but the question still needs to be asked: Why is Luis Ayala still on this roster? More importantly, why does Ron Gardenhire continue to use Luis Ayala?


Down 6-3 in the ninth inning, the Twins used a base hit by Jason Kubel and a pinch-hit home run by Joe Mauer to cut the lead to one. Mauer did not start the game, which brings me to the second burning issue of the day: Why? Why is Joe Mauer unable to play DH? The guy is the hottest hitter on the planet right now and Ron Gardenhire chooses to give him a day off completely. Obviously Mauer was ready to play -- he hit a mammoth home run off of one of the game's best closers in Jonathan Papelbon. Idiots like Dick Bremer continue to say that (especially considering Mauer's back/hip injury) he needs a day off. Wait a minute -- don't these guys get paid millions of dollars for playing a child's game? Do you know what goes into being a designated hitter? Not much. You're swinging a bat, and, hopefully, running a little bit. That's it. Yeah, I'm all for giving him a day off behind the plate, but why would you lose that offense? In the four games since Ron Gardenhire made a batting-order adjustment and put Mauer in the two hole, the team had scored 43 runs in 4 games and won every ballgame. And what does The Brain do? Change the batting order. Of course, he loses the game. I think Joe Mauer could DH and get two hits in a coma. Why on earth would you bench the best hitter in the game?


Let's not forget that we're talking about baseball players here. My father was a union electrician for forty years and I can count the days he didn't go to work on one hand. He worked ten hour days all-year round, mind you. Baseball players put in, what, six hours at the ballpark seven months of the year, get paid millions of dollars, and we as fans find it necessary to agree with Ron Gardenhire by giving Joe Mauer a "much deserved" day off? The most overrated sports record is Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak. Don't get me wrong -- the guy was a Hall-of-Fame player without the streak. But people who toil anonymously everyday for their entire lives at their jobs would scoff at such glorification. Two factors go into play with Ripken's streak: a) he was a good player and b) he was lucky. Plain and simple. Had Ron Gardenhire managed Cal Ripken, I'd have a sneak feeling that he would have wanted to give Ripken a "much deserved" day off. Why some people think that Ripken's streak is "unbeatable" is beyond me. All you need to do is be a good player and be lucky. My point here is that Ron Gardenhire's decision to sit Joe Mauer on the bench perhaps cost him the game. For all the mojo that Gardenhire's lineup change created, it all went away with one decision by the skipper.


Nick Blackburn goes tonight against Jon Lester. Blackburn's always been a much better Dome pitcher than on the road, but he's also been pitching well of late, which doesn't quite bode well for tonight. Blackburn's definitely not one of those pitchers who like to carry teams on their backs -- they'd do that, but for only seven innings or one hundred pitches, nothing more.

MAY 20, 2009 -- CHICAGO 7, MINNESOTA 4

The losing streak has hit six, and there's no end in sight for Ron Gardenhire's bunch right now. Even a post-game meeting after Tuesday's loss was not enough to shake up the troops, as Wednesday's defeat was pretty much the same as the previous five losses -- get a lead, blow it, try meekly to come back and end up on the short end of the score. Francisco Liriano pitched another poor game -- he's really had only one or two quality starts this whole season -- and a seven-run fifth inning, capped by a Jermaine Dye grand slam, was the difference in the ballgame.

Liriano followed what has appeared to become Twins-on-the-road protocol this season, which is to take a Twins lead and immediately give up that lead and put your team completely behind the eight-ball. Glen Perkins did that in spades on Monday, and was put on the disabled list afterwards as an excuse for his lame effort. Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn did that very well in the two matinees in the Yankee series, and Liriano outdid the rest of the staff on Wednesday. The 2-0 lead that the Twins built (compliments of an Alexei Ramirez error) lasted a whole two batters, when Paul Konerko tied the game with a home run in the bottom half of the fifth. Liriano could have bore down and gotten out of the inning with his team still in the game, but these are the Minnesota Twins we're talking about -- competing in games is gravy to these guys. Winning games is a whole different ballgame. Doesn't it seem like it was a month ago that the Twins swept the Tigers at home?

The inning opened up with two key at-bats by sore thumbs in the White Sox order. Sore thumbs, you'll remember, refers to the weakest spots in an opponent's batting order. For the Yankees, it was Brett Gardner and Francisco Cervilli, whose hits on Friday and Monday were crucial to New York victories. For the Chisox, ex-Twins great catcher Corky Miller doubled and Jayson Nix walked in front of the Dye grand slam. If you expect to beat anybody, you need to get the sore thumbs of the batting order out. Look at it from the other angle -- opponents who play the Twins know that in order to beat them, they've got to get their sore thumbs out (Nick Punto, Carlos Gomez, Matt Tolbert), and it's no surprise that during this six-game slide, those hitters (like any other time of the year) aren't hitting.

We need to revisit the case of Corky Miller to see actually how bad this guy really is. As I mentioned, he was a Twin for a brief time, breaking camp with the team in 2005. He was hitless in twelve at-bats before the Twins jettisoned him, but that cup of coffee was just part of a major-league slump that Miller experienced. Get this: from September 2003 to the end of 2006, Miller had a string where he went 1 for 59 at the plate. Let me repeat that: Miller had one hit in fifty-nine at-bats! That's a .017 batting average! This was with three teams (the Reds, Twins, and Red Sox) and most notably included his 2004 campaign with Cincinnati, when Miller went an astounding 1 for 39. Those are Nick Punto-type numbers right there. Wait a minute -- the Twins signed this guy after he went 1 for 39?!! Amazing how much credit this team gets.


On an "elated" note, the Twins lost left-handed reliever Craig Breslow on waivers to the Oakland A's! Breslow was an absolute train-wreck for the Twins this season, proving to everyone that his stellar 2008 campaign was a fluke. Most of the time Breslow's demeanor on the mound was such that it appeared that Breslow wanted no part of pitching in ballgames, and that was reflected in his 6.28 ERA and 11 walks in 14 innings. To replace Breslow, the Twins called up super-prospect Anthony Swarzak, who'll fill Glen Perkins' spot in the rotation Saturday night against the Brewers. Kudos to the Twins finally calling this guy up, but with Breslow gone from the bullpen, it may mean more innings for slugs like Luis Ayala and Matt Guerrier and Jesse Crain. The guy it affects the most is Jose Mijares, now the lone lefty in the 'pen, who has been erratically inconsistent this season. Losing Breslow was no big blow, but the fact remains that the Twins should be desparate for bullpen help and will likely grin and bear it for the remainder of the season.