AUGUST 8, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 11, DETROIT 0

Man, this team is hard to figure out. They have to be the most inconsistent team I've ever had the opportunity to watch. One day, they'll look like absolute garbage, failing at all aspects of the game -- hitting, pitching, defense, and managing. Then the next day, they'll come out, knock around one of the best pitchers in the league, and ride their pitcher to an easy win. I don't know from day to day what team is going to show up, and whenever the Twins do win games like the one on Saturday, I can't believe that the team is "turning the corner," because every other time they've won convincingly, they've come out the next day and phoned it in (like they did earlier in the road trip). If ever there is a season-saving victory in early August, Saturday's 11-0 romp was just that. With a loss, the Twins were in danger of dropping 6 and 1/2 games out; by winning, they are 4 and a half back and have a chance to get within another game of first place with a win today. But am I convinced that they will bring a lot of momentum into Sunday's game? Absolutely not.


I will give credit where credit is due, and Carl Pavano pitched like it was 2004 on Saturday. His pitching performance was a breath of fresh air for Twins fans, who have become all too accustomed to the Twins giving up eight runs a game, especially since the All-Star break. He had a veteran's presence on the mound, again refreshing when the Twins trot out an unexperienced, deer-in-the-headlights starter seemingly every other day. Not that the "veteran presence" is going to be a good thing necessarily (Livan Hernandez, anybody?), but if Pavano can pitch even a little bit like he did on Saturday, his acquisition will at least be justified (again, it's not as if he's going to be the tipping point for the Twins' winning the division). But the knock on Pavano has been all season long is that when he's on, he's on; but when he's off, he's absolutely dreadful, and the Tigers were the one team that Pavano has really owned this year, as he notched his fourth win of the year with no losses against Detroit on Saturday. The reason, however, that Pavano can't be the savior for the staff is that not one but two spots in the rotation are still up for grabs, even after the Pavano acquisition. Anthony Swarzak's run of good pitching appears to have elapsed, and not only does he not deserve to be in the starting staff, but it's probably overdue that he should return to Triple-A. Glen Perkins and Francisco Liriano also have not deserved to stay in the staff; so in effect the Twins have three for-sure starters on their staff: Scott Baker, who'll pitch today, Nick Blackburn, and Pavano. Brian Douchebag has been pitching effectively out of the long man bullpen role (what major league team, other than the Twins, has three long men in the bullpen? Well, I guess -- considering that you can count on a starter turning in a clunker twice every five games, so you need those long men). By process of elimination more than anything else, Douchebag should be penciled into the rotation. I've said it before that Liriano can really help the bullpen, and I think his value is greater in the bullpen. So who's the fifth starter? Glen Perkins can't get anybody out, whether he's in relief or starting, so he can't assume that role, and the scouting report on Anthony Swarzak appears to have gotten around to the entire league now, so he can't be trusted. You look at the other two Central competitors and their top 3 pitchers: Detroit's Verlander, Jackson, and Washburn, and Chicago's Buehrle, Peavy (when he's healthy) and Danks/Floyd, you've got to give both of those teams the edge over the Twins' Baker, Blackburn and Pavano. That's not saying anything about the glaring holes at the back end of the rotation for the Twins.


The bullpen continues to be a sore spot for the Twins, and again the Twins passed up the opportunity to add a bullpen arm on Saturday. Twice in the past week the Tampa Bay Rays have made waiver claims on two arms that had been designated for assignment by their prior clubs. Jeff Bennett was picked up from Atlanta, where he had put up a 3.18 ERA (albeit with a high opponent's batting average), and on Saturday the Rays picked up Russ Springer from Oakland. Springer's 40 years old, sure, but he's still effective (a lot more effective than Jesse Crain, for instance). He had been pitching stellar of late, posting a sub-2.00 ERA over his last 25 games, and he has 47 strikeouts in 41 innings pitched. The Rays have a better record than the Twins, meaning that had the Twins claimed either pitcher, they would have gotten them because their record is worse than Tampa Bay. Why they didn't pursue either of those relievers is astounding considering the fact that Joe Nathan continues to be the only guy in the 'pen that can consistently and confidently get batters out. But hey -- Luis Ayala was sent down by the Marlins the other day after posting an 8.50 ERA for them. He might be available (for the right price, that is -- "we don't want to mortgage our future just to make a move").

AUGUST 2, 2009 -- LOS ANGELES 13, MINNESOTA 4

Another thorough ass-kicking to the hands of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, as they shellack the Twins pitching for the third straight game. It was the kind of game that reminded all Twins fans following their three-game sweep of the White Sox that this team simply cannot compete with the cream of the crop in the American League. Against the three best teams in the league -- the Yankees, Red Sox, and Angels -- the Twins are 6-17, and three of those wins earlier came against a depleted Angels team that was decimated by injuries. Fortunately for the Twins, they're done with those teams for the remainder of the season, and in reality the schedule certainly advantages the Twins down the stretch. They've got 24 games against the Central bottom feeders, the Indians and the Royals, so it's still in the realm of possibility that the Twins can win the division. But that's going to be a largely false accomplishment considering their competition in the division, and you would have to be insane or on drugs (or both) to think that the Twins could beat any of the actual contenders in the A.L. in the playoffs.

The biggest reason that they can't compete is that they just don't have the pitching, plain and simple. The team's ERA is 4.65 -- that's reminiscent of the mid-'90s pitching staffs helmed by the immortal Dick Such, when guys like Bob Tewksbury and Mike Morgan and Rich Robertson were toiling away on the mound. Glen Perkins was quoted as saying something along the lines of being frustrated in his last start to the White Sox after giving up a couple of home runs, because he "wasn't pitching his game." While that pearl of wisdom still confuses me, I think what he meant was that "his game" was more similar to his performance on Sunday afternoon, in which he gave up nine runs (eight earned) on a dozen hits in just four innings. Yeah, putting up a quality start is simply un-Perkins, and this kind of "pitching" was more of the regular Glen Perkins that we've become all too accustomed to. Now, when your starting pitcher gives up nine runs in four innings, you're basically out of the game at that point, but it doesn't help when you have nothing in the form of bullpen help that can perhaps salvage a game out of it. Brian Douchebag and Jose Mijares coupled to put the embarrassing finishes on one of the most embarrassing series that I've witnessed in years. Kendry Morales hit two three-run home runs for the Angels, and they pounded out fifteen hits yet again. The drubbing was so bad that it actually was historic in a bit; the Angels became just the second team in seventy-one years to score ten runs with at least fifteen hits in three straight ballgames (joining the infamous 1986 Cleveland Indians), according to the Elias Sports Bureau, which means that the Twins have never in their history been on the receiving end of such a pathetic pounding. Add to this the fact that Friday's game should have been a victory, and you may have had the worst weekend series in club history. Awesome.

Orlando Cabrera hit a home run in this game, but more important to me (and absent in any in-game or post-game discussion by paid liars Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven) was Cabrera's error on a ground ball in the fourth inning that led to the lone unearned run in the game. The play was as routine as routine gets, and Cabrera seemingly coughed it up with ease. Certifiable idiot Bremer was one to say that the acquisition of Cabrera would mean that the Twins would get a Gold Glover at shortstop, which is true I guess in the fact that Cabrera has indeed won a Gold Glove in the past, but his decline in the last two years has been nothing short of precipitous, and that includes his defense. His error was his fifteenth on the season, which is the -- wait for it, wait for it -- most errors in the Major Leagues! That's not just the most errors among major league shortstops -- nope, that's the most errors committed by any one player at any position. Why exactly did we trade for this guy?

The Twins' batters seemed to be swinging potato peelers on Sunday, because the Angels racked up thirteen strikeouts against the Twins. Justin Morneau was the only Twin not to strike out, and Carlos Gomez took the sombrero, striking out all three times (each time more pathetic, I may add) he was at the plate. Alexi Casilla showed everyone why the Twins were wise to keep him on the roster instead of Brian Buscher by going 0 for 3 with two strikeouts, lowering his average to a paltry .166. Michael Cuddyer is nursing a minor injury right now, which normally I would definitely welcome, but that means more playing time for Seldom Young, who responded to the rare opportunity to start by going 0 for 4. For the greatness that the Twins do have in the lineup -- Joe Mauer, Morneau, Jason Kubel, and for the most part Denard Span -- the Twins have an awful bottom third of the lineup, and their fringe guys are not producing much either. Young, Brendan Harris, Gomez, Casilla, Nick Punto, and Joe Crede all have on-base percentages hovering around a measly .300. Brian Buscher, for what it's worth, did have a pretty solid .350 OBP, all the more reason to look at that transaction on Saturday and plain shake your head. It's becoming increasingly obvious that the Twins management does not seem to consider talent as an asset. But in reality, the lineup problems are secondary now to the pitching woes, and if the pitchers can't get anybody out, the Twins could score 13 runs and lose (wait...didn't that happen not that long ago?).

JULY 27, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 4, CHICAGO 3

Michael Cuddyer's two-run home run in the bottom of the sixth inning, about as clutch as Cuddyer could get, proved to be the difference in the Twins topping the White Sox on Monday. With the Tigers losing in Texas on Monday, the Twins pull within three games of the division leaders, although the White Sox also stand in the Twins' way of first place. No doubt the Sox are all in favor of the Twins' immenent move to Target Field, as the Metrodome has become a house of horrors for Ozzie Guillen's club, and they had nobody to blame but themselves on Monday. Three errors by the White Sox defense directly led to an embarrassing dugout temper tantrum between ex-Twin A.J. Pierzynski and shortstop Alexei Ramirez, which culminated in Guillen chucking a bucket of bubble gum onto the field. Two runs were caused by Chicago errors in the second inning and pretty much were the difference in the ballgame. The Twins were more than willing to take those extra outs and they pounced on those additional chances and won a ballgame that they desperately needed.

Glen Perkins surprised everyone by pitching well on Monday, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Kevin Slowey's season is apparently done, which is definitely not a good thing for the Twins, who are basically pitching without an ace on this staff right now. Nick Blackburn had assumed that role for most of the first half, but Ron Gardenhire made sure that that kind of stellar pitching needed to end, and he made that a quick reality by resting him for ten days between the All-Star Break. Perkins has been so bad this year that his manager has been covering for him most of the time, claiming injury conveniently whenever Perkins goes out on the mound and can't get out of the second inning. He is a pretty decent pitcher at the Metrodome, however, and by giving the Twins seven innings on Monday, he gave them a chance to win. Sure, he gave up a couple of home runs, to Paul Konerko and rookie Gordon Beckham, but that's part of Perkins' repertoire, and at the very least he practiced good damage control. Matt Guerrier turned in another impressive performance and Joe Nathan was benefited by a fine defensive play by Denard Span to preserve the win in the ninth inning.

The win on Monday was especially huge considering that Mark Buehrle will be pitching for the first time since his perfecto last Thursday. Keep in mind, however, that Buehrle gave up eight runs and three home runs just a few weeks ago in his last start against the Twins. He's always been a pitcher who's either really humming or really scuffling against the Twins, but most of the time he's been pretty good; he's beaten the Twins 23 times already in his career, the most against any club in the big leagues. Scott Baker opposes for the Twins.

JULY 26, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 10, LOS ANGELES 1

The Twins exorcise some demons on Sunday, hitting three home runs (two by Justin Morneau) and riding starter Anthony Swarzak to an easy 10-1 win. At this point, the rookie Swarzak is pert' damn near the top starter on this team, and though I mean no disrespect to Anthony, that's not a good thing for the Twins. Nick Blackburn has responded to Ron Gardenhire's extra rest and pitched like a batting practice pitcher since the All-Star break, Francisco Liriano is the same bad pitcher that he was in April, Glen Perkins is probably going to move to the bullpen when Kevin Slowey is ready to come off the disabled list, and Scott Baker has been wildly inconsistent all year long. Twice on the road trip, Swarzak has stepped up and stopped the bleeding; the first in response to the Oakland Disaster, when he pitched seven strong innings and kept the game close enough for the Twins to win in extras, and now on Sunday, when he helped save an overtaxed bullpen by throwing 122 pitches in six plus innings, giving up only four hits and one run to an Angel lineup that had been working on all cylinders. To his credit, Swarzak has shown that he can pitch very much unlike a 23-year old rookie on the mound. He does tend to walk a few more batters than is to be accepted here at the Twins, but other than that, he's been more than adequate as a minor-league call-up; in fact, he's outclassed many of his mates on the pitching staff.


Perhaps the biggest hit in the game on Sunday was a two-out, two-run single by Nick Punto, who snapped a 1 for 18 slump with that single which put the Twins up 4-0. Denard Span would follow a batter later with a two-run single of his own, and the Twins chased Los Angeles starter Ervin Santana in the fourth inning. Punto was twice the beneficiary of poor official scoring on Sunday, but when you're hitting .205 and playing mediocre shortstop, you need all the breaks you can get, or you should hope that some idiot organization would pay you some ridiculous amount of money -- like three, four million dollars a year -- to replicate the same pathetic numbers that you have put up in the past (wait...that last part is actually true; damn you Bill Smith!). In the sixth inning, Punto lifted a medium-deep fly ball (it was almost a line drive -- dare I say Punto sort of hit the ball hard) that Reggie Willits and Gary Matthews Jr. let drop between them (see left), and the play was inexplicably ruled an RBI-double for Punto when in reality that's a ball that needs to be caught every single time. And Punto should have been charged with two errors in the seventh, as he stupidly dropped a routine liner to short stop and made Swarzak have to leave the game instead of completing seven innings; two batters before that, Punto had been charged with an error on a routine throw to first base. It just goes to show you that this is a guy who just can't put one solid all-around game on his resume. He's got to screw up somehow, and when it does happen it's not pretty. I liked Punto's quote after the game, though, when he said that "it's been an inconsistent year for me, to say the least." Inconsistent? No, that's not it; actually, Punto's been a shining example of consistency (consistently pathetic, that is). Inconsistent? Please. I've got another term for it, and it's not exactly PG-rated, buddy.


The Twins now return home to face the Chicago White Sox, fresh off losing three out of four to the Detroit Tigers at Comerica Park. The Twins will be the first team to face Mark Buehrle following his perfect game last week against Tampa Bay, but first they have to deal with John Danks, and unfortunately for the Twins, it appears as if Glen Perkins will pitch tonight. Ron Gardenhire made it seem like Perkins' last start (1 inning pitched, eight earned runs) was because of a bum shoulder, but he's made that excuse a few times this season. Managers shouldn't lie for their players like that -- Perkins has to man up and accept the fact that he sucks, and Ron Gardenhire needs to acknowledge that himself and juggle the rotation to ensure Twins fans that they aren't subject to watching that poor imitation for a pitcher do his "act" in front of tens of thousands of fans.

JULY 22, 2009 -- OAKLAND 16, MINNESOTA 1

The Oakland Athletics came into the series with the lowest batting average in the American League. They were twelfth in the league in runs scored. If it weren't for their pitching, which has actually been pretty decent this season (middle of the pack in ERA), the A's might be challenging the Nationals for the worst record in baseball. The Twins, on the other hand, are "competing" for a division title, and had just taken two out of three from the "competing" Texas Rangers. What happens in the three game series? The Twins lose two out of three, give up an incredible thirty-two runs in three games to the offensively-challenged Athletics, and leave the Bay Area on the losing end of a 16-1 ass-whoopin' at the hands of the last-place A's. Twice in the series -- twice -- the Twins gave up seven runs in an inning against Oakland; prior to the series the A's had scored seven runs in a game only six times in their previous thirty-six games. On Wednesday, it was Glen Perkins that gave his best impression of pitching, giving up eight runs and getting three outs, raising his ERA nearly a full run to 5.55. The key at-bat for Perkins was a bases-loaded, two-out walk to back-up catcher Landon Powell, who at nearly 300 pounds is surprisingly a light-hitting Puntoesque hitter. Perkins had Powell 0 and 2 and then dicked around with him, walked Powell to make it 2-1 in the first, and the next batter, the weak-hitting Rajai Davis, cleared the bases with a triple to make it 5-1.

Now, at 5-1, the Twins were out of the game. Never mind the fact that the Oakland A's came back from a ten-run deficit just two nights before. The Minnesota Twins are just not the kind of team that likes to come back from any deficit over three runs. After one inning of play, the Twins basically gave up, and it was reflected in Perkins' demeanor in the second inning, when the first two batters reached on a single and a walk, and Scott Hairston brought them home with a three-run home run that sent Perkins to the showers. Kevin Mulvey came in and did almost worse than Perkins, surrendering four more runs to score in the second to make it 12-1 before the Twins could catch their breath. Now remember -- that's about the score that the Twins were up on the A's at about the same spot in the ballgame on Monday. But did the Twins want to come back? Did it appear that they even wanted to be on the field at that particular point in time? Absolutely not. Only three times in the game did the Twins mount a rally with two runners on base, and their only run came on a solo home run by Justin Morneau in the first inning. The game was an absolute embarrassment. I wonder, though, which is more embarrassing -- losing a ten-run lead or losing 16-1. What do you guys think?

Now the Twins have to actually face a talented team in the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, who are streaking with a six-game winning streak after sweeping the lowly Royals in Kansas City. The Twins swept the Angels early in the season, but that was when Los Angeles' pitching staff was heavily depleted by injuries. The three starters that the Twins saw in that series were Dustin Moseley, Darren Oliver, and Shane Loux. It was Oliver's first start in four years and the only start he made for the Angels this year; he's back in the bullpen. Moseley's been on the disabled list for most of the season and Loux was just recalled by the Angels after spending two months in Triple-A. This time around, the Angels are hurting from the other side of the diamond, as both Vladimir Guerrero and Torii Hunter (in the midst of a career year, by the way) are on the mend. But their pitching is back, and the Twins will be facing some tough hurlers this weekend in Anaheim. Jared Weaver pitches tonight for the Halos, and he faces Scott Baker, whose first start after the break was a phenomenal success. Baker's start Thursday will be as important, as he looks to get the Twins off the mat following a disastrous series against Oakland.

JULY 17, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 5, TEXAS 3

Glen Perkins opens the second half of the season by giving up a two-run home run to the third batter he faces, Josh Hamilton, and it would appear that the crucial ten-game road trip is off to a horrendous start. Collectively, it seemed as if Twins fans everywhere muttered, “Here we go again.” But then the Twins picked themselves off the mat, tied the game in the very next inning thanks to a two-run triple by Carlos Gomez, and then rode Jason Kubel’s three-run home run in the third inning to a 5-3 victory. Perkins really struggled through five innings, throwing over one hundred pitches in getting the undeserving victory. Again, Bobby Keppel pitches the six and the seventh and mows down the opposition, striking out three of the six batters. Though Keppel’s done a yeoman’s job in this sort of role, I still think that the jury’s out with this guy. The bad thing is, we’re going to have to find out about Keppel’s real lack of talent the hard way, because all indications are that Ron Gardenhire is going to not only continue to put Keppel in games, but continue to put him in close games. Sooner or later, Keppel’s gonna go Sean Henn on everybody’s ass, and Gardenhire was willing to lose games with Henn a handful of times. So when Keppel finally implodes, it’s going to be ugly, I guarantee that much.

Alexi Casilla came into this season coming off a career year in which he hit close to .300, played stellar defense, provided a speedy option at the top of the order, and even hit a few clutch home runs during the year. That being said, Casilla fell back to earth so hard this year that it was just one month into the season that Casilla was sent down to the minors, and quite frankly that decision was a few weeks too late. Casilla’s been recalled and sent back again this year, and now he’s with his third go-round with the club. He’s back to square one, needing to earn playing time, a la spring training, which for Ron Gardenhire means that Casilla starts at second base immediately AND bats second in the lineup. What the hell Gardenhire? What is with his whole “the second baseman must hit second in this lineup regardless of how low that average sinks?” Matt Tolbert was hitting there for a while, too. The only guy that has really flourished in that spot is Joe Mauer, but Gardenhire would rather have Mauer hit third, for good reasons. Brendan Harris was spanking the ball until a recent slump, which has precipitated his move to the bottom of the order. Do you see the logic in that? Harris has one bad week (lowering his batting average to a mere .270) and he’s relegated to the #8 hole; Casilla and Tolbert have sucked all year long and have not had their averages above the Mendoza Line since, well, Opening Day, and they’re plugged into the #2 hole like that’s how it’s always been. That just makes a whole hell of a lot of sense.

Scott Baker is definitely one of the keys for the Twins in the second half if they plan of making a push for the divisional title. He’s been wildly inconsistent this season and if the Twins want to go anywhere, Baker’s going to have to pitch like the ace pitcher he was last season. He pitches tonight in Texas, and he opposes Rangers righthander Scott Feldman.

JULY 11, 2009 -- CHICAGO 8, MINNESOTA 7

The Twins return to form on Saturday, getting a vomit-inducing start from Glen Perkins, who looked like he was still sick when he was on the mound. All I can hope from Perkins is that he was smart and considerate enough not to spread that crap to the rest of the team, because whatever he had had a small touch of suck-itis on the side. Perkins excelled at his game plan, which is to take his team out of the game as soon as humanly possible, and he did that in spades. The Twins were down by three after two innings, and then fell into a 5-0 deficit before Perkins finally gave way to R.A. Dickey, who showed signs of his early-season horridness by giving up what would eventually turn out to be the winning runs of the game. Actually the last three runs were a tandem effort, as Dickey walked the bases loaded in the sixth and then Brian Douchebag (aka Duensing) did his best Sean Henn impression when he gave up a bases-clearing double to the first batter he faced, Jim Thome. Duensing’s been absolutely dreadful so far in his audition for the Twins, who continue to fill their major holes in the bullpen with minor-league washups, retreads, and non-prospects. Either get Slama or Delaney up here ASAP or trade for somebody – or watch as you finish in third place, out of first place by a double-digit deficit. It’s your choice, Bill Smith.

The Twins would make it close thanks to a couple home runs from ex-White Sock Joe Crede and had a chance to tie it in the ninth after Jose Morales cut the gap to one run when he hit a two-run single off Bobby Jenks. Brian Buscher represented the tying run at second base, but then Denard Span grounded into a terrible double play to end the game, and that was all she wrote. Two-out hitting killed the Twins again, both giving up two-out hits to Chicago and then failing at clutch hitting when they were taking their hacks. I don’t believe there is a stat out there that collects a sort of two-out hitting differential (take the Twins’ batting average with two-outs and subtract their pitcher’s opponents batting average with two outs) but if there was, I would imagine that the Twins’ would be brutal. Last year’s success has proven to be an aberration; remember when the 2008 Twins led the world with batting average with runners in scoring position? Yeah, that was a fluke, and they’ve displayed their real talent for clutch hitting this year. On Saturday, the Twins were giving up two-out hits left and right, twice giving up run-scoring hits to Brian Anderson with two out in an inning. Okay, you don’t give up hits to Brian Anderson, much less big ones. Another example of the sore thumb of an opponent’s lineup coming back to bite you in the ass. Meanwhile, the Twins went 2 for 8 with runners in scoring position (the White Sox went 5 for 19 – nineteen at-bats with guys on base just tells you how effective Perkins and company were Saturday). The 7-8-9 hitters for the White Sox (Jayson Nix, Gordon Beckham, and Anderson) went a combined 7 for 13 – it’s the second time this homestand that the bottom third of the opponent’s order has been the reason that the Twins have lost – that’s just pathetic.

I have the great opportunity to attend today’s Twins game, but when I looked at the pitching match-up – Mark Buehrle against Scott Baker – frankly I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be seeing a White Sox victory Sunday. Buehrle is just so nasty on the Twins and Baker is just so terrible against everyone that I don’t expect the Twins to pull it out today. But I hope that my expectations are wrong and that I see a victory.

JULY 8, 2009 -- NEW YORK 4, MINNESOTA 3

I think that Ron Gardenhire has to get on his knees and thank the schedule makers for the unbalanced schedule. Another loss to the Yankees makes the Bombers 6-0 against the Twins on the season. I always laugh when idiots like Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven rue the fact that the unbalanced schedule makes it so the Yankees and Red Sox only come to the Metrodome once a season. Dudes, do you realize that the Twins can't beat those teams without getting seriously lucky? The Twins should be pleased as punch that they don't have to play the Yankees more than seven times this season, as it's only seven games that they have to lose. It's only seven times that Ron Gardenhire has to scratch his head and figure out a way to lose to the Yankees. He didn't even try on Tuesday, when the Yankees smoked the Twins, but he was back at it again on Wednesday, as New York beat the Twins for the fourth time this season by the margin of one run. Terribly un-clutch hitting by the Twins and giving up key hits to the sore thumb of the Yankee lineup is a recipe for a loss, and that worked in spades on Wednesday. Brett Gardner again got a clutch hit against the Twins, a two-run, two-out single off Anthony Swarzak in the second inning that made the lead 3-0. Gardner and Nick Swisher are the only two Yankees in that lineup that have not made an All-Star team, and they combined to drive in three of the four runs. Every game against the Yankees this year has featured a hit by the sore thumb of the lineup, and a big hit at that, whether the sore thumb be Jose Molina or Brett Gardner or Francisco Cervelli. No wonder you don't win a game against them.

The Twins were absolutely dreadful with runners on base on Wednesday. Remember all that stuff I said about Michael Cuddyer being a terrible hitter in key spots yesterday? Yeah, well, you might as well etch that in stone, because Cuddyer's at-bat in the fifth inning was one of the most pathetic at-bats I've ever seen in my life. The situation: bases loaded, two outs, Yankees up by two. A.J. Burnett has struggled with his command all game long, especially not being able to get the curveball across the plate. He had walked the pitcher -- Nick Punto -- earlier that inning, for crissakes. Instead of waiting for a fastball to hit, Cuddyer fishes for two curveballs in the dirt and takes two half-swings that looked more like dry heaves set in motion. For the millionth time this season, Cuddyer folds in a pressure situation. But, hey, he's on pace for a thirty-homer season, so we'll accept him striking out like a Little Leaguer in spots that actually mean something. Absolutely pathetic, Cuddyer.

In the sixth inning the Twins had a chance, too, but then Nick Punto's turn in the batting order came up with two guys on base. Are we at all surprised that Nick Punto struck out? Are we at all surprised that Ron Gardenhire didn't pinch hit for Punto then, and not in the eighth inning, when there was nobody on base? The answer, of course, is pathetically "no" to both questions. It's a strange paradox that Ron Gardenhire displays with his playing Nick Punto. He apparently acknowledges that Punto sucks at the plate (I mean, you'd have to be beyond stupid to not realize that -- dumber that Gardenhire, even) but he would rather keep Punto in the game as long as he can until he pinch-hits for him. Again, look at it as if Punto were the pitcher at the plate (he basically is). In the bottom of the sixth inning, with your team down by two runs against a team that you haven't beaten this season, you may not get an opportunity like you had in the sixth again. You need to pinch hit anyone for Nick Punto right then and there and take your chances with Matt Tolbert in the field from there on out. They're basically the same player -- terrible offensively, average defensively -- so it's not like you're losing anything with the glove. Instead, Ron Gardenhire thinks it's too early to pinch-hit for the pitcher, and he loses probably the best chance he has to tie the game by sticking with Punto. Denard Span struck out following Punto to end the inning, and save for a Joe Mauer home run in the seventh, the Twins' threats were all but done for the night.

Here's props to Joe Girardi on making the correct managerial decision on Wednesday by bringing in Mariano Rivera with two outs in the eighth inning. It's the kind of move that good teams make, by acknowledging the fact that Rivera is a surefire Hall-of-Famer and you'd have to be out of your gourd not to use him in situations that call for your best reliever to handle. It's a move that I'm sure made Ron Gardenhire go, "Really?" in the dugout when he saw Girardi call for Rivera. It's not as if the situation was so dire that only Rivera could extinguish the rally -- there was one guy on base and two outs, with pinch hitter Jose Morales at the plate. Ron Gardenhire would only use Joe Nathan in the eighth inning if the bases were loaded or if Matt Guerrier's arm had fallen off the socket. Doubtless Gardenhire was shocked when he saw the best reliever in the last decade and a half come to the mound, because he's been taught that a closer only comes in for the ninth inning, and pitches the ninth inning only. Hey, the Twins have lost countless games and at least one division title operating under that mantra, and if anything else, it rattled Gardy's confidence, because, after all, the move worked. Rivera got Morales to end the eighth and then mowed down the side in the ninth, throwing a whole eleven pitches to get four outs. And guess what -- I'm pretty sure Girardi would be willing to do the same thing again today.

I do have to give Ron Gardenhire props for his classic cop-out regarding Glen Perkins, who was scratched from Wednesday's start because Perkins was "sick." I suspect Perkins got sick when he tried to recall his start against New York in May, when he gave up six runs in 2/3 of an inning. Either that or, more likely, Ron Gardenhire didn't want a replay of that horrendous outing but needed a good way to lie to the fans and said that Perkins was under the weather. Even more likely is the possibility that Perkins was indeed sick because Gardenhire poisoned his food the night before; good liars are ones that can back up their lies, and if need be, Perkins can show up with his face the color of guacamole and back up Gardenhire's excuse. Whatever the case, it was strangely perfect timing for Perkins to call in sick, and now that means that Francisco Liriano will pitch Thursday afternoon against spot-starter Alfredo Aceves, who picked up two wins in that nightmarish four-game sweep in May.

JULY 1, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 5, KANSAS CITY 1

Another easy win for the Twins against the struggling Royals, who did not look like the team that the Twins faced earlier in the season. Surprisingly, the Twins pulled off a very successful road trip -- one that included stops in three cities, and the Twins won two out of three in every city. Of course, the Twins could have very easily won every single game on the road trip, but considering the Twins early-season patheticness on the road, a 6-3 road trip is something to praise the heavens for. And perhaps the best thing about the trip is that the Twins did it mainly with pitching. Glen Perkins put in a second stellar start in a row on the road, this time buckling down against the Royals and pitching seven solid innings, allowing ten hits but only one run. The offense again did just enough to get a victory, and again the Royal defense helped them out. Alberto Callaspo botched a routine grounder off the bat of Joe Crede to score the second and eventual winning run in the third inning. Michael Cuddyer hit a home run -- not surprisingly a solo home run early in the game. Cuddyer's stats are padded with such production, either amassed early in games when the hits don't mean a whole lot, or late in routs that do not effect the outcome of the game. Cuddyer's parlayed that hitting strategy into a lot of money, a la Torii Hunter, and he was at it again on Wednesday afternoon.

Three Twins had to leave the game due to injury on Wednesday, but really only one of them might be worrisome for the Twins. Mike Redmond had to leave the game in the fifth inning due to getting a foul ball off his hand. No worries there; Redmond's got no gas left in the tank anyway, and Jose Morales is only hitting .360, and you're not losing anything defensively with the youngster in there anyway. Nick Punto had to leave the game (!!!) in the seventh due to a sore back. I just can't contain my glee -- I'm like a schoolgirl flush with emotion whenever I hear that Nick Punto has to leave a game because of an injury. Now I would have preferred to hear that the ribs were sore again, which probably would have led to another disabled-list stay for Superman, but I'm crossing my fingers that the back and the ribs made Punto a no-go at least for a few days. I've said it before and I'll say it again: any day that I can live without seeing, hearing, or hearing about Nick Punto is a good day. It's a damn good day.

Now the one casualty of the Wednesday afternoon victory that might trouble Twins fans was Justin Morneau, who left the game with an injured groin on Wednesday. Not only does Morneau's absence hurt the Twins, but that specific injury does not look promising. Groin injuries aren't the sort of ailments that one day's rest can adequately heal. I've said on this site that both Joe Mauer and Jason Kubel are arguably more valuable to the Twins than Justin Morneau, but the fact is is that you can't go an extended period of time without Morneau and have a legitimate chance of competing. Without Morneau, both Joe Mauer and Jason Kubel are affected because they won't get quite as many fastballs without Morneau sandwiched in between the two. Hopefully Morneau won't be able to go on the disabled list with this injury, but perhaps that's what can explain Morneau's slow month of June. Before hitting home runs in the last three games of the month, he had been struggling for a little bit. Let's hope that Ron Gardenhire was simply taking a precaution by resting Morneau for the last few innings on Thursday and that he'll be ready to go on Friday.

The Nick Punto thing brings up another point: Punto started at shortstop and Matt Tolbert played second base and hit second for the Twins. It's the four-billionth time that Ron Gardenhire has put the .170-hitting Tolbert in the second hole, meaning that a guy hitting .170 was protecting Joe Mauer. Talk about an insane move. And why is Brendan Harris getting a day off? Yes, he's been the regular shortstop for about a month now, but this is the second time in a week and a half that Ron Gardenhire has sat a regular player one day before a scheduled off day. He did it inexplicably with Justin Morneau a few Sundays ago. Especially with the Twins playing a day game on Wednesday, why are we sitting a regular player and substituting a terrible player when there's an off-day the very next day? The game got over around 4:30 Wednesday, and the Twins don't play until 7:00 on Friday; that's essentially two days off. But in his demented head, Ron Gardenhire has to get his regular players an adequate time on the bench during games apparently. It's really not surprising, though; we're talking about a guy who loves to sit the best hitter on the planet on a regular basis.

The Twins now come home for a long home stand starting Friday against the Tigers. Dick Bremer has been overhyping the series as a "mid-season battle for first place," when in reality the only thing that likely will happen is that the Tigers will prove to the Twins that they are starting to put first-place on lockdown. Detroit will end up winning the Central by ten games, mainly because their pitching is far superior to the Twins. The Tigers will send up a rookie, Luke French, in the series opener, but then will counter with Edwin Jackson and Rick Porcello, who have both been outstanding this season. Kevin Slowey will oppose French on Friday night, looking for his eleventh win on the season.

JUNE 26, 2009 -- MINNESOTA 3, ST. LOUIS 1

The Twins snag an easy, breezy win in hot and humid St. Louis Friday night, as they ride the pitching prowess of Glen Perkins and the shaky bullpen to a 3-1 win. A clutch two-out hit from Jason Kubel in the first inning provided the spark for the Twins, who were also aided by a Cardinal error in scoring their second run of the opening frame. Michael Cuddyer singled home Kubel in the sixth inning for the Twins' final run, and the lead would hold up against the shockingly average Cardinal lineup. I said in Milwaukee that I was unimpressed with the Brewer lineup and surprised that they were just a game out of first place; now I'm even more flabbergasted to see the Cardinals, who held first place coming into the game. Beyond Albert Pujols and maybe Ryan Ludwick, the Cardinals offense scares no one, and their pitching isn't overwhelming either. I'd love to say, hey, it's a credit to Tony LaRussa's expert managing that he always seems to find a way to compete with the players he's given, but people say that all the time about Ron Gardenhire, and I've found that to be undeserved praise. Some teams just get lucky consistently, and that's certainly the case with Ron Gardenhire's Twins, and it's also probably true with the Cardinals. Both teams are fortunate to play in weak divisions, but what separates the two is LaRussa's actual talent as a playoff manager. Gardenhire's good enough to get the team into the playoffs, but LaRussa isn't satisfied with that. He's been to the playoffs literally thirteen times with three ballclubs -- he wants to win the World Series, dammit, and he's done that twice, too.

In the top half of the eighth inning, Matt Tolbert struck out in front of the pitcher's spot for the third out of the inning, making it possible for Glen Perkins to go out and pitch the bottom half of the inning. With 82 pitches and in complete command of the game, it would be the logical choice. After all, your bullpen has failed you consistently for a few seasons in a row, now, and even Ron Gardenhire himself said that he'd like to get more innings out of his starters. Well, what you could do for a start is not take out Glen Perkins after 82 pitches. Of course, unreliable ol' Matty Guerrier started the eighth inning and promptly gave up two singles. There seemed to be a collective rumbling from Twins Nation that said, "Here we go again," but then Guerrier came back to strike out Tyler Greene, and then surprisingly Ron Gardenhire came out of the dugout and brought in Jose Mijares to face Skip Schumacher. It's going to be a collective Matt Guerrier Special, I thought, but then Mijares bailed out Guerrier, Gardenhire, and the Twins by inducing a double-play grounder on the only pitch he threw. Joe Nathan came in and pitched a clean ninth inning, and perhaps providing the highlight of the game when he fanned Pujols when the slugger represented the tying run.

No doubt Gardenhire would have cited the unbearable St. Louis heat for taking out Glen Perkins. Gardenhire's a better liar than most of us think, and he gives more excuses than a petulent five year old. He may have even referred to a scary incident in the stands, when a fan toppled headfirst from the second deck to the lower bowl of the stadium from an apparent case of fainting. "We need Perk ready for his next start," Gardy would likely cop out. Most likely, however, taking out Perkins on Friday was directly influenced by his decision to keep Nick Blackburn in the game on Wednesday, and that ended with Blackburn giving up the Little League home run that lost the game for them. And that whole spiel about "keeping the starters in longer?" Yeah, you can pretty much throw that out the window. The only thing that's probably going to change is that Sean Henn won't be called on to lose games anymore, and his role has likely been relegated to long-relief mop-up duty. Gardenhire just feels a heckuva lot more comfortable losing with Matt Guerrier in the eighth, and with the status quo resumed, we're probably in for a sequel of last year -- by that I mean a second place finish. They won't be nearly as close as they came in 2008, though; my odds are that the Tigers will run away with the division, winning it by about ten games.

JUNE 21, 2009 -- HOUSTON 4, MINNESOTA 1

A pathetic showing in a series finale at home against a second-division ballclub in the Houston Astros. Frankly the Twins are appearing to be second-division in their own right, especially on Sunday, when they were never in the game and never seemed even even attempting to participate in the game. They got two hits in the game -- two -- off Houston starter Wandy Rodriguez and the bullpen. That's not too surprising considering the pathetic lineup that Ron Gardenhire put on the field. Justin Morneau inexplicably sat out the game; for what reason I am still baffled. Carlos Gomez, he of the .219 batting average, batted leadoff, struck out twice in three at-bats and saw a grand total of nine pitches all afternoon -- absolutely unacceptable for a guy in the lead-off position, yet Ron Gardenhire thinks that Gomez can do the job. He's been going pretty good with Brendan Harris in the leadoff position, so what does he do? Changes things, and puts one of the worst players on the team in the lead-off spot. Here's to Denard Span coming back to the everyday lineup; though Harris did admirably in the lead-off spot, Ron Gardenhire apparently was not ready to use him there every day. With Span, there's no question where he's hitting in the lineup. It just makes that decision easier for Ron Gardenhire -- and we're talking about a guy who struggles making simple decisions like that.

Glen Perkins put forth a miserable start on Sunday. Before he got an out, Perkins had given up two runs, and considering the Twins' lineup, that was enough for the Astros, who added another in the first and one in the seventh. Looking at Perkins' line on Sunday doesn't indicate a terrible start, but giving up three runs in the top of the first inning to a poor ballclub like Houston is a punch in the stomach for your team, especially one that, because of your manager, was pretty much playing shorthanded voluntarily (Justin Morneau being on the bench for rest). And the defense sort of betrayed Perkins in the first, as Matt Tolbert did a terrible job covering first base on Michael Bourn's leadoff bunt single, and Jason Kubel lost Miguel Tejada's double in the roof. In all fairness, Kubel wasn't feeling 100% and had to be lifted in the fourth inning due to illness. The Twins lineup, hence, for the bulk of the game looked like this: Gomez, Harris, Mauer, Cuddyer, Buscher, Crede, Seldom, Redmond, and Tolbert. By far the worst lineup that has taken the field this season.

Why are we giving Justin Morneau a day off, Gardenhire? I did state on this site yesterday that Morneau has struggled of late and needs to pick it up, but I didn't mean bench the guy. He had played in 319 straight games until Sunday, and you have a scheduled off day Monday. Why on earth would you bench a guy who's in the top ten in all three Triple Crown categories? See, this is the kind of insanity that separates Ron Gardenhire from the rest of the idiots. Most of the time Ron Gardenhire's insanity shines through during the game -- he did it Saturday with his mismanagement of the pitching staff, something he's done an umpteen amount of times. But on Sunday, Gardy's stupidity was secured even before the first pitch, accomplished when he sat down to write out the starting lineup. Why Justin Morneau was benched is absolutely beyond me. First off, you play baseball. A kid's game. Secondly, baseball players get paid oodles of millions of dollars to play said kid's game. There are people right now who are working seven days a week, ten hours a day who get paid peanuts and don't get a day off. Ron Gardenhire sits his second best player the day before a scheduled off day so he can get some "rest." That, my friends, is sheer insanity.

So the Twins finish a six game home stand in which they faced a fifth-place team and a sixth-place team and they went 3-3. Now they get to go on the road to face a first-place team and a second place team in the Milwaukee Brewers and the St. Louis Cardinals. The road has not been kind to the Twins, and by them not taking any momentum into the road trip, this nine-gamer might spell doom for the Twins. The prospects for a winning road trip are bleak, especially considering the mediocrity that is so prized with Ron Gardenhire and the Twins. It's getting more and more apparent that Francisco Liriano belongs in the bullpen, which means that Ron Gardenhire will likely keep him in the rotation, and it's Liriano's turn to start the series opener in Milwaukee on Tuesday. He opposes Brewer veteran Jeff Suppan.

MAY 18, 2009 -- NEW YORK 7, MINNESOTA 6

Ron Gardenhire does his annual "let's lose four" in the Bronx and the Twins are swept in a four-game series by an admittedly mediocre Yankee team. Mediocrity or not, these games might as well be the Harlem Globetrotters against the Washington Generals. Ron Gardenhire is the ideal coach for the bumbling Generals, and the Yankees continuous pummeling of the Twins is getting somewhat comedic. It sure makes for good entertainment if you're a Yankee fan (as you keep wondering if all these good things that people keep saying about the Twins aren't true) and absolute heartache for a Twins fan. With the loss, Gardenhire drops to 3-23 in the regular season in the Bronx and an incredible 16-44 career (including playoffs) against the Bombers. That's an unbelievably low .267 winning percentage -- just over once every four games does Gardenhire's Twins beat the Yankees. A team with a dead blind man managing the team could probably do as good as Ron Gardenhire does against the Yankees.

Same old story on Monday, however with a different twist. Glen Perkins did his best impression of pitching in the first inning, lasting one trip through the batting order before good ol' R.A. Dickey came in to save the day. By the time Perkins' night was through, he had given up six runs (four of which crossed the plate via the long ball) and gotten only two outs, one of which was a warning-track fly ball. Perkins topped his night off by giving up a pathetic hit to some guy named Francisco Cervilli -- yet another example of the Twins giving up hits to what I call "sore thumbs." They did it constantly last year with Jose Molina and they're back at it this year with Brett Gardner and Francisco Cervilli -- looking at that dreaded Yankee lineup, guys like Cervelli stick out like sore thumbs in the batting order and must be retired. Due to the one-run deficit at the end of the game, the hit to the sore thumb of the batting order was the difference of the game.

Dickey surprisingly mowed the Yankees down, but Ron Gardenhire was not satisfied with his bullpen putting zeroes on the board, so he put Luis Ayala into the game. Perhaps the worst pitcher in the American League, Ayala has continued to prove to everyone (except Ron Gardenhire, who has a demented sense of confidence in him) that he cannot get anybody out. Ayala was lucky to get through the sixth inning unscathed, but then he laid a 0-2 cookie right down the plate to Mark Teixeira leading off the seventh that he hit for a mammoth home run, which turned out to be the winning run in the ballgame. Hey, Gardenhire, are you watching the same game that I am? If Luis Ayala is able to pitch a scoreless inning, it's like you just got away with murder. You take him out of that game before the Yankees can process the fact that they were unable to get a run off of him. But, in another episode of "Gardy being Gardy," The Brain left Ayala in and the results were fantastic.

How 'bout Mike Redmond, folks? Representing the last out of the game, The Brain chose to go with Mike "No Gas Left in the Tank" Redmond to pinch hit for the pitcher-- er, Nick Punto. Redmond, facing left-hander Phil "Definitely Not Mariano Rivera" Coke, worked the count full and then started swinging at pitches feet from the strike zone. The game ended with Redmond literally swinging at a pitch half-way into the left-handed batter's box. For Pete's sake, Gardenhire, I could do that. Nick Punto could do that. Hell, I'd have sent up Jose Morales in that situation -- at least I've seen him get a hit that didn't make me want to puke. It was the perfect way to wrap up one of the most pathetic weekends of baseball I have ever seen in my life.

Why can't Gardenhire win in New York? It's pretty simple, I think. Gardenhire's well aware of his track record in the Bronx and he certainly lets his players know about that. There was a shot of Gardenhire Monday night after another failed scoring opportunity, shaking his head and chuckling to himself in disbelief. The failures in New York are so much a part of Gardenhire that it's the mentality that he conveys to his players. He's a scared manager managing a bunch of scared players. They are under the belief that it takes a perfect game to win in New York, so they play on pins and needles the entire time that they're there. If they could just relax and play their game, they'd do at least better than 3-23, which I don't think you could do if you tried to lose those games on purpose. Unfortunately, Gardenhire is a weak and shallow fool, and he imparts the fear of the Yankees that he experiences regularly to his players.

As it turns out, Glen Perkins had a bad elbow and that was the reason, aside from him sucking with a good elbow, that he was unable to finish one inning on Monday night. He was put on the disabled list and some guy named Sean Henn, he of a career record of 2-6 with a 7.56 ERA, was called up to replace him. With those numbers, it sounds like he'll fit into that bullpen real well.